11/14/2017 – Actual Duterte

TILLERSON: Ok Mr. President, we’re in the Philippines now to meet President Rodrigo Duterte. 

TRUMP: Duterte. Worst name ever. Sounds like he should be a Hyundai.

DeVOS: Sir, President Duterte is a little…well…

TILLERSON: Controversial. 

DeVOS: Yes. Controversial. He says some controversial things. 

TRUMP: Ugghhh. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a guy who just shoots off at the mouth with no tact. 






TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Oh, no, nothing sir. I would just avoid saying anything that could offend him, sir. 

TRUMP: Not a problem. Trump. So diplomatic. Trump diplomacy best diplomacy. Verbal ambassador!

DeVOS: President Duterte is here, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Duterte. President of Philippines. Heard the prostitutes are super cheap here. 

DUTERTE: If you don’t support my anti-drug campaign you can go to hell like that son of a whore Obama.

TRUMP: So. Filipinos. You guys are brown but also yellow. Is there a crayola color for that? Need to know!

DUTERTE: Even if you’re a journalist you’re not exempt from assassination if you are a son of a bitch. 

TILLERSON: Wow. This is fascinating. 

DeVOS: What is? I don’t get it. 

TILLERSON: I’ve only heard of this but have never seen it.

DeVOS: Seen what?

TRUMP: So what’s with all the Spanish last names? Is it because you guys are the Mexico of Asia? 

DUTERTE: Someone give me salt and vinegar and I’ll eat his liver.

TILLERSON: Legend has it when two lunatic world leaders with no mouth filter get together they compete to see who can say the most outrageous quote. It’s an alpha male blowhard thing. One usually takes the role of posturing idiot and goes into direct insult mode with his statement, and the other says random insane statements to demonstrate that he is not to be trifled with. 

TRUMP: Filipino women, hot but not like normal white woman hot like my wife. Solid 8’s. Would date if desperate!

DUTERTE: I was separated from my wife. I’m not impotent. What am I supposed to do? Let this thing hang forever? When I take Viagara it stands up.

DeVOS: Neither one of them is making any sense. 

TILLERSON: Supposedly it never does. They’ll keep blurting out non-sequiturs until one of them gets hungry. 

TRUMP: Your capital. Manila. Such a waste. Only good for making folders. 

DUTERTE: The Pope is a son of a whore! 

TRUMP: What’s with all the shoes? Are your women centipedes or something? Why so many? Need to declutter. Hurting the economy!

DUTERTE: Hitler massacred 3 million Jews. There’s three million drug addicts here and I’d be happy to slaughter them. 

TRUMP: Hey Rodrigo, buddy, I can eat. What do you have for lunch?

DUTERTE: Right this way, President Trump. We’ve planned a feast in your honor.  


DeVOS: Glad that’s over. That was intense!

DUTERTE: But seriously, my daughter is a drama queen who can’t be raped. She has a gun.

TRUMP: Love this guy!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s