11/28/2017 – Pocahontas

PENCE: Mr. President, the Navajo Code Talkers are here.

TRUMP: Never heard of them. I’m greeting indie rock bands now? Unspringsteenian! 

PENCE: Actually, sir, these folks used their Navajo language to send Allied secret messages during World War 2. 

TRUMP: So they just sent messages doing that hand to the mouth “Heya! Heya! Heya!” thing? Dangerously simple!

PENCE: *that’s not the only thing that’s dangerously simple*

TRUMP: Who said what now? 

PENCE: Ah! They’re here! Mr. President allow me to introduce-

TRUMP: Already know their names. You. Chief Double Down. Probably own a casino. Can appreciate. Probably not as classy as Trump casino, but good try with your inferior native american attempt. Can respect! Trump casino, best casino believe me. So good. Just the best. 

PENCE: *sigh* and this is-

TRUMP: Dances with Acoholism. Probably downs two bottles a day. Indians. Tremendous drunks. Not like dots on the head Indians, but still just as brown. Can respect!

PENCE: I am so, SO, sorry gentlemen. 

DANCES: It’s fine, Man with Head of Snow. We expect nothing less from the Whitest of White Men. 

TRUMP: Whitest of white men. This guy. Knows me so well. 

CHIEF: It is an honor for you to meet us. However, I would have preferred not to have this ceremony in front of the portrait of Andrew Jackson, who signed the Indian Removal Act and banished my people and our cousins in spirit from our ancestral homelands. 

TRUMP: I figured it would be good because this guy is on the twenty. Can’t do it under Benjamin Franklin because he’s not a president like yours truly, and when’s the last time you guys have seen a hundred dollar bill? Even you, Chief Double Down, probably only see it in chips. Not the same!

PENCE: And now the cameras are on to capture this moment for eternity. I don’t know how it could possibly get any worse than-

TRUMP: Ok. Speech time. 

PENCE: Well there’s one way. 

TRUMP: You guys. Indians. Not like dothead Indians who drive the cabs and know computers and are doctors. Our Indians. American Indians. You’re the guys that people had to play when everybody picked cowboys first. 

PENCE: And down the hole we go. 

TRUMP: You guys. Fought in World War 2. Good job. 

PENCE: Looking up!

TRUMP: But probably let the white guys do the real fighting. 

PENCE: Aaaand looking down…. 

TRUMP: So we’re here to honor you guys for talking in codes. Don’t like. Best speech direct speech. Let everyone know what you think. That way they can know who you are. Total clarity!

PENCE: …off the rails…

TRUMP: You guys. Real Indians. Not like Senator Warren who pretends she’s an Indian. Pocahontas. So bad. Just the worst. Using that to advance her career. 

PENCE: Impact in 3…2..1…

TRUMP: If she wants to pick a fake Disney cartoon character as her heritage, she should go with Little Mermaid. Not Sleeping Beauty because she’s ugly. Maybe Mulan if she wants to pretend she’s smart like the Chinese, but may be confused as a North Korean since they all look alike. 

PENCE: Impact! We’re in flames! Oh the humanity! 

TRUMP: What are you going on about Pence?

PENCE: I was just thinking that perhaps we could…um…dramatically change the subject to discuss the code talkers! 

TRUMP: Can do. You guys. Talk so people can’t understand a word you’re saying. Speaking but nobody gets what you’re going on about. Can’t relate!

PENCE: That last sentence just exploded in my brain.

CHIEF: I understand Mr. President. 

DANCES: We simply wanted to serve our country.

TRUMP: You guys. Like this is your country. Good imagination! Everyone knows you live on those reservations. Shame on you for living in restaurants. Taking up the good seats!

PENCE: I have no idea how this could possibly get worse.

TRUMP: Anyway thanks for coming to Washington. You guys want to go see a Redskins game on Thursday?

PENCE: We’ve hit rock bottom. 

TRUMP: They’re playing the Cowboys. Just like the old days!

PENCE: Correction. NOW we’ve hit rock bottom. 

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