11/30/2017 – Rubs Off On Everything

TRUMP: This tweet. Going to be so good. Just the best, believe me.

PENCE: I hesitate to ask, but what exactly are you going to tweet about, sir? 

DeVOS: I have a couple of suggestions you may wish to consider!

TILLERSON: I may have a couple of ideas to highlight your success, Mr. President.

PENCE: As do I, sir.

TRUMP: Already made up my mind, but in the words of the NRA, shoot. 

DeVOS: Unemployment is at an all time record low!

TRUMP: Boring. People should be working. Even the lazy jobless. Redundant!

TILLERSON: The consumer confidence index rose to 129.5, sir, its highest since December 2000! 

TRUMP: Of course it did. Trump confidence is rubbing off on consumer confidence. Trump. Rubs off on everything!

TILLERSON: ….ew. 

PENCE: We could stress how you are imposing stronger sanctions on North Korea, sir, while noting that you had a positive diplomatic engagement with Chinese President Xi JinPing! 

TRUMP: Problem with Chinese tweets is 30 minutes later you want to retweet it.

DeVOS: 

TILLERSON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Chinese tweet joke. Just the best. 

DeVOS: HA!

TILLERSON: Quite humorous.

PENCE: Haha!

TRUMP: Ugh. You three. Can’t even fake laugh. More suggestions. Go.

TILLERSON: What about the record high in the stock market? 

PENCE: There’s always the push to emphasize the GOP tax cut. 

DeVOS: OR HOW CTHULHU LORD OF DARKNESS SHALL ONE DAY REIGN OVER A BLOOD SOAKED PLANET OF MISERY

TILLERSON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

DeVOS:

TILLERSON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

DeVOS: America! 

TRUMP: You guys. Good news but boring suggestions. Already have Trump tweet planned. Makes me look good. Trump already looks good but people need to be reminded. Refresher course!

TILLERSON: Well then obviously you’re going to mention your success with the fight against Radical Isl-

TRUMP: Going to mock Matt Lauer. 

TILLERSON: Got to admit – I wasn’t expecting that.

PENCE: Got to admit – I was. 

DeVOS: Got to admit I-AM A HELLWITCH FROM THE NETHER-I mean I had an inkling. 

TILLERSON: Just…for our own education, Mr. President…why Matt Lauer? 

TRUMP: Makes me look better by comparison. Lauer. So handsome. So pompous. Acts like he’s such a great guy. Turns out he’s a sleazebag misogynist who hits on women and then abuses his power by bullying them into keeping their mouth shut. Can you imagine anyone you know acting like that? 

PENCE: 

DeVOS: 

TILLERSON: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

DeVOS: 

TILLERSON: 

TRUMP: I have the hotline to Putin’s Siberian prisoner camps.

PENCE: Hillary.

DeVOS: Elizabeth Warren.  

TILLERSON: Rosie O’Donnell.

TRUMP: Boom. You three. No need to buy parkas. For now. 

TILLERSON: How have you handled this the entire year? 

PENCE: Remember when you thought I was joking about leaving your soul at home? 

DeVOS: WORKS FOR ME

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