TRUMP: This tweet. Going to be so good. Just the best, believe me.
PENCE: I hesitate to ask, but what exactly are you going to tweet about, sir?
DeVOS: I have a couple of suggestions you may wish to consider!
TILLERSON: I may have a couple of ideas to highlight your success, Mr. President.
PENCE: As do I, sir.
TRUMP: Already made up my mind, but in the words of the NRA, shoot.
DeVOS: Unemployment is at an all time record low!
TRUMP: Boring. People should be working. Even the lazy jobless. Redundant!
TILLERSON: The consumer confidence index rose to 129.5, sir, its highest since December 2000!
TRUMP: Of course it did. Trump confidence is rubbing off on consumer confidence. Trump. Rubs off on everything!
TILLERSON: ….ew.
PENCE: We could stress how you are imposing stronger sanctions on North Korea, sir, while noting that you had a positive diplomatic engagement with Chinese President Xi JinPing!
TRUMP: Problem with Chinese tweets is 30 minutes later you want to retweet it.
DeVOS:
TILLERSON:
PENCE:
TRUMP: Chinese tweet joke. Just the best.
DeVOS: HA!
TILLERSON: Quite humorous.
PENCE: Haha!
TRUMP: Ugh. You three. Can’t even fake laugh. More suggestions. Go.
TILLERSON: What about the record high in the stock market?
PENCE: There’s always the push to emphasize the GOP tax cut.
DeVOS: OR HOW CTHULHU LORD OF DARKNESS SHALL ONE DAY REIGN OVER A BLOOD SOAKED PLANET OF MISERY
TILLERSON:
PENCE:
TRUMP:
DeVOS:
TILLERSON:
PENCE:
TRUMP:
DeVOS: America!
TRUMP: You guys. Good news but boring suggestions. Already have Trump tweet planned. Makes me look good. Trump already looks good but people need to be reminded. Refresher course!
TILLERSON: Well then obviously you’re going to mention your success with the fight against Radical Isl-
TRUMP: Going to mock Matt Lauer.
TILLERSON: Got to admit – I wasn’t expecting that.
PENCE: Got to admit – I was.
DeVOS: Got to admit I-AM A HELLWITCH FROM THE NETHER-I mean I had an inkling.
TILLERSON: Just…for our own education, Mr. President…why Matt Lauer?
TRUMP: Makes me look better by comparison. Lauer. So handsome. So pompous. Acts like he’s such a great guy. Turns out he’s a sleazebag misogynist who hits on women and then abuses his power by bullying them into keeping their mouth shut. Can you imagine anyone you know acting like that?
PENCE:
DeVOS:
TILLERSON:
TRUMP:
PENCE:
DeVOS:
TILLERSON:
TRUMP: I have the hotline to Putin’s Siberian prisoner camps.
PENCE: Hillary.
DeVOS: Elizabeth Warren.
TILLERSON: Rosie O’Donnell.
TRUMP: Boom. You three. No need to buy parkas. For now.
TILLERSON: How have you handled this the entire year?
PENCE: Remember when you thought I was joking about leaving your soul at home?
DeVOS: WORKS FOR ME
