PENCE: There’s a lot of fallout about the move.
TILLERSON: A lot of people are very surprised and upset, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Couldn’t help it. Soft tacos. The devil’s work on the colon. Colonic exorcism!
PENCE: Not that kind of, um, movement. Sir.
TILLERSON: Also, ew.
PENCE: We’re talking about your recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.
TRUMP: Why are people taking everything I say so seriously? Was joking about that. Trump jokes best jokes. So funny. Just the best, believe me.
TILLERSON: You’re the president, sir. The public takes everything you say seriously.
TRUMP: Well this changes things.
PENCE: I’m glad that you are beginning to recognize the gravity of your actions and-
TRUMP: Didn’t know I have the ability to move capitals. Boom. Trump power up!
TILLERSON: I don’t think that works in all-
TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. China. Moving capital to Golden Palace Dragon Wok on Independence Avenue. Better egg rolls!
PENCE: I don’t think that’s how it-
TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. Mexico. Moving capital to Antarctica. No need to build wall now. Too far!
TILLERSON: The authority associated with your-
TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. North Korea. Capital moved to South Korea. Successful invasion!
PENCE: Mr. President, I-
TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. France. Moving capital to McDonald’s on 46th street in Manhattan. Guess why.
TRUMP: I have a wetlist for assassination targets.
PENCE: *Sigh* because of the french fries.
TILLERSON: And the french toast.
PENCE: So regarding the embassy in Tel Aviv I’m assuming you want to still move it to-
TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. America.
TILLERSON: Wait. I got this one. Mar a Lago.
TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. Such an idiot. Just the worst.
PENCE: I didn’t expect that one.
TRUMP: New capital is New York. According to the Globalization and World Cities Research Network, New York and London are the only Alpha double plus rated cities in the world according to socioeconomic, cultural, and political influence. Washington. Three categories down as an alpha minus. Therefore, need to centralize power in global hub and undisputed U.S. hub. Streamlining urban efficiency!
TILLERSON: I have to admit that is the beginnings of a sound, logical argument that-
TRUMP: Also home to Trump towers. Trump. Most powerful person. Trump Tower. Most powerful place. Like Isengard but with gold plated toilets. Classier hobbits!
TILLERSON: And that’s the end of a sound, logical argument.
PENCE: What’s a hobbit?
TRUMP: You. Such an Uruk-Hai.
PENCE: ….thank you sir?
TILLERSON: Sir, about Jerusalem, I-
TRUMP: It made sense to recognize capital of Israel as Jerusalem. This recognizes a de facto reality that Jerusalem is the center of Israeli life and culture. Also, it serves notice to Palestine that their century-long assault on Isreal and Zionism as an idea have no place in modern society and therefore place the Palestinians on notice. It forces the world and the Muslim world in particular to recognize reality. It’s an ugly truth but a necessary one if we’re going to to achieve any long-term peace both in the region and in the world long-term.
TILLERSON: Dear Lord that was brilliant! How did-
PENCE: Ah. Broken record. He achieves perfect clarity twice a day. Followed by-
TRUMP: Also, Jerusalem McDonald’s are the best in Israel. So good. So kosher. Tel Aviv. Sounds like a planet from Star Trek. No Klingons!
PENCE: Followed by that.
TRUMP: Need to tweet. Jerusalem. New Isengard in the Middle East. No Uruk-Hai allowed. Stay out Pence!