TRUMP: You. Not Pence guy. Where’s Pence?
TILLERSON: You sent him to Israel sir on a diplomatic mission.
TRUMP: We like the Jews now?
TRUMP: Boom. Got it. Guess I’ll ask you then…
TILLERSON: US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
TRUMP: Knew that. Just testing you. What’s all this talk about the government shutting down?
TILLERSON: It’s true, Mr. President. The government’s closed down. Nothing we can do about it.
DeVOS: It’s those Democrats, sir! They’re refusing to cooperate until the Republicans agree to pass DACA for the Dreamers.
TRUMP: So we’re shut down because the Democrats want to hear Dancing Queen on the radio before bedtime?
TILLERSON: That’s Abba, sir. They’re from Sweden.
TRUMP: Sweden. Great country. Lots of tall hot blondes. Totally unlike that shithole Norway. Completely different!
DeVOS: Mr. President, you’re not going to budge on DACA are you?
TRUMP: That kid can get around with Boots and her map just fine. Doesn’t need our help. Self reliant!
TILLERSON: I believe that’s Dora.
DeVOS: The Explorer.
TRUMP: The brown Hispanic kid with the parents that let her run around in the jungle?
TILLERSON: Yes sir.
DeVOS: Boots is her monkey.
TRUMP: So how come the Democrats-
TILLERSON: They did not shut the government down because of Dora, sir!
DeVOS: Mr. President, DACA is the the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program that would protect young migrants known as “Dreamers” from being sent back to their country of origin. Democrats want to stop you from sending them back.
TRUMP: So what they’re doing is they’re allowing the Democrats to play hero with foreign born illegal immigrants by preventing their legal and justified deportation by financially strangling millions of government employees including the military and VA hospitals all in an overt effort to build up a generational future voting block while touting the ethnic diversity rhetoric?
TILLERSON: What the-
DeVOS: That’s one assumption Mr. President.
TRUMP: We need to send a clear message that resistance to DACA is not hatred towards migrant children. Rather, it is a demonstration to the prioritization of support of both US born citizens as well as those immigrants who entered and naturalized through lawful means. We don’t lock the doors to our home because we hate our neighbors, we do it because we love the residents in our home and want to provide security for them first.
TILLERSON: How the hell did he-
DeVOS: Broken record syndrome. He’s brilliant twice a day. Followed by-
TRUMP: Heard that on Twitter. Twitter. So good. Too many fat girls doing yoga, but have take the good with the bad. Downward Hippo. Can’t respect!
DeVOS: -followed by that.
TRUMP: Tried ending the shutdown yesterday anyway. Made some calls. But the cow kept saying Moo. Tough negotiator!