1/29/2018 – Hot Jew

PENCE: There there sir. 

TRUMP: Can’t believe this. Just the worst. Unfair. Not happy!

PENCE: They don’t know what they’re doing. 

TRUMP: Liberal bias. Never more obvious. Worse than George Takei!

TILLERSON: What’s going on here? Something I can help with Mr. President? 

TRUMP: You. Only way you could be more useless is to name yourself Pence. Consoling. So bad. Like a failed wet blanket. Awful!

PENCE: The President is just upset about the latest slight against him. 

TRUMP: Diplomatic nightmare!

TILLERSON: Is it North Korea sir? I’m certain the international community will understand that Kim-

TRUMP: Not Kim Jung Un. Beneath my notice. UnTrumpworthy!

TILLERSON: Oh. Well then it has to be ISIS and the Middle East. Might I recommend a cleansing surgical strike on their-

TRUMP: Not ISIS. Definitely wouldn’t mind a surgical strike. In the mood for drones blowing things up. Good times, but won’t restore Trump honor. Trump honor best honor, believe me. 


TRUMP: Have no connections with Poots. Totally don’t play League of Legends with him on Friday nights. Unfounded rumors, even if true!

PENCE: We…really need to work on that reply, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: You. Less talking more consoling. 

PENCE: *sigh* …There there.

TILLERSON: I’m not certain I’m tracking here, sir. What happened that has you at such a loss?

TRUMP: Trump never at loss. Just temporarily not winning. Grammys. Just the worst. Public embarrassment. Can’t be undone!

PENCE: They have no idea what they’re doing, Mr. President. 

TILLERSON:  So some spoiled musicians and celebrities used an awards show to criticize you? I don’t understand sir, you’ve dealt with much worse before at the Oscars, the Emmys, the People’s Choice Awards…

TRUMP: Not the same.

TILLERSON: …the Critic’s Choice Awards, the SAG awards, BAFTA, the ESPYs…

TRUMP: This time different.

TILLERSON:  …the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, the Nobel Prize Committee, the Westminster Dog Show, Wrestlemania…

TRUMP: Who wants to visit shithole Haiti on an extended diplomatic fact finding mission? 

TILLERSON: …shutting up sir. 

PENCE: It’s not like that, Rex. He’s mad at the Grammys because he…didn’t win. 

TRUMP: Was a shoe in. Like, the whole shoe. Can’t miss. But did. Biased Grammys!

TILLERSON: Didn’t win what? 

PENCE: …Best Spoken Tweet. 

TRUMP: Can’t believe I lost to Sarah Silverman. Hot Jew broad. Funny comedian, even though she’s a woman. Solid 8. Would date, even after she criticized me. Then dump. Trump gets last laugh! 

TILLERSON: Best. Spoken. Tweet. 

PENCE: …yup. 

TRUMP: So many nominations. My DACA one for Best Latino Tweet. My Time Person of the Year for Best Classic Tweet. My Transgender one for Best Female and Male Tweet. Rocket Man for Diplomatic Tweet. Can’t lose for Rocket Man with Rocket Man in the audience. Disgraceful!

TILLERSON: Wait, Kim Jung Un was in the audience? 

TRUMP: No. Elton John. Keep up. Ugh. You. So clueless. Borderline Pence. Can’t abide!

TILLERSON: And you lost to…Sarah Silverman. 

TRUMP: A hot unfunny Jew! Doubly can’t abide! Unabidable!

TILLERSON: Riiight….um, Pence, can I talk to you? Over here?

PENCE: Be right back sir. 

TRUMP Hurry back. Need my verbal punching bag.



TILLERSON: Do I even have to remind you that there is no Spoken Tweet Award at the Grammys? 

PENCE: Do I need to remind you that right now he’s not doing anything asinine? 







TILLERSON: Is this the part of the job where you remind me that you no longer have a soul? 

PENCE: Can you blame me, doing this for a living?

TRUMP: Lost! To a hot Jew!



TILLERSON: …*sigh* not really. 

TRUMP: You. Pence. Take a note. New award. Popularity contest. Bunch of nominees. Only Trump wins. HUUUGE awards show. People talking about it for years. Give big speech. Victorious Trump!

TILLERSON: I believe that’s called the election. 

TRUMP: What’s that? 

PENCE: Nothing sir! We’ll get to work on it!

TRUMP: I’m thinking we call it the Trumpies. It’s got a ring to it. 

TILLERSON: In his case it’s probably Taco Bell. 

PENCE: Come on Rex, that’s unfair. 

TILLERSON: You’re right. Too Mexican.

TRUMP: Hot Jew!

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