PENCE: Mr. President allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your State of the Union address!
DeVOS: So inspirational!
TILLERSON: A…surprisingly well-delivered speech sir.
TRUMP: Doesn’t make sense. So confusing.
PENCE: Actually I thought the speechwriters gave a clear draft to-
TRUMP: Not that, snow for brains. Only half the room stood up for applause. Applause for Trump speeches. Makes sense. Trump. Natural orator. Gifted with word talk. Speak good!
DEVOS: You’re a natural!
TILLERSON: If I may, what exactly is it that’s so confusing?
TRUMP: Only Republicans stood. Democrats just sat there. For everything. President Trump walks in. They’re sitting. Talk about job creation and higher wages. Sitting! Mentioned job growth and employee bonuses. Butts still on seats!
TRUMP: Proposed merit based immigration. Same program that O’Bombs and Man Clinton proposed a couple years back. Sitting! Recognizing Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. The same Jewish proposal they all approved a while ago. Sitting! Stressed need to fight abuse of opioids. They’re fighting standing!
DeVOS: So disgraceful, sir!
TILLERSON: The American people will recognize the slight, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Lowering drug cost. Nothing. Lowest black unemployment since 1972, when blacks first came to America. Zero! Not even the black politicians! What, those people don’t like jobs?
PENCE: You see, sir, I don’t think that calling your African American colleagues those people would-
TRUMP: Didn’t even stand for in God we trust . Not even standing for the flag and the anthem. Horrible. Just the worst, believe me.
TILLERSON: Truly, they are evil, soulless beings.
DeVOS: WHO TOLD?!?!?? THE SUPER BLUE BLOOD MOON IS THE HARBINGER FOR THE NEW AGE OF DARKNESS. MANKIND IS IN THE DEATH THROES OF ITS FINAL DAYS!!!
DeVOS: I mean…*cough*!
TRUMP: Got a point. Democrats. Lack empathy. Didn’t even stand when I brought out those families with the kids killed by the robots.
PENCE: Excuse me sir, but I don’t-
TRUMP: MS-13. Mexican killer robots. Committing crimes and murders across the country. Cybernetic warfare!
PENCE: Actually sir I don’t-
TILLERSON: No no. I want to hear this.
TRUMP: Probably have laser eyes and make tacos at the same time. Do landscaping work while running attack protocols. Can’t be trusted!
DeVOS: We need a wall sir!
TRUMP: Might have to add tomahawk missiles to wall. Those MS-13 robots. Probably can just jump over the wall with their metallic piston legs. Hombres metálicos de la muerte!
PENCE: Mr. President, I have to correct-
TILLERSON: We’ll write the counteroffensive missiles for the Mexican attack robots into the military’s 2018 budget, sir.
PENCE: Wait, what?
DeVOS: That’ll teach ’em!
TRUMP: Feel better. But not totally better. Can’t understand why Dems didn’t stand up for all of those amazing things. It’s almost like they just don’t like me or something. Unpossible!
PENCE: Oh, nothing.
DeVOS: Nothing at all.
TILLERSON: I’ll just go and…prepare that updated budget.
TRUMP: Add in a line about a billion dollar contract to Cyberdyne Systems. Heard they make great killer robots. Could use!
PENCE: That’s not a-
TILLERSON: Problem. That’s not a problem sir.
PENCE: Hey, Rex? Over here…are you…I don’t know…figuring out a way to pocket a billion dollars?
TILLERSON: Are you figuring out a way to tell him that Mexicans aren’t robotic housecleaner assassins?
PENCE: Good point.
TRUMP: Hey Tillerson. Better make it two billion. Mexico’s probably working on an MS-14 right now. Ay caramba!