2/6/2018 – Ham hocks

PENCE: Mr. President, Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin is here.

TRUMP: That guy. Needs a vowel in that last name. Too cheap. Sale on consonants!

MNUCHIN: Good afternoon Mr. President I-

TRUMP: First off. Your last name. Mnuchin. Sounds like something frathouse guys do on a dare. 

MNUCHIN: I…don’t think I quite follow your-

TRUMP: Chad from Alpha Beta Omega turns to Rod and says “Hey Rod, let’s get Bull to do a full Mnuchin! While drunk! We’ll be college legends!”

MNUCHIN: So…last name applications aside, I’m not certain I underst-

TRUMP: Dow. 

MNUCHIN: Yes sir. The Dow. 

TRUMP: Yup. 





MNUCHIN: I’m sorry, is there a question here or-

TRUMP: Need you tell me what it is. 

MNUCHIN: Ha! Good one! You got me there Mr. Preside…


MNUCHIN: Oh. Oh God. Um. Wow. Ok. You see the, the um, Dow is, is um, it’s like…Ok. There’s stocks, and…

TRUMP: This guy. Thinking I’m that clueless. Already know what the Dow is. Trump billionaire. So good. Lives the Dow. Trump stocks best stocks believe me. Blue chip President!

MNUCHIN: Oh thank heavens! For a minute I-

TRUMP: Want you to tell me why the Dow dipped over a thousand points yesterday. Trump presidency means the market going up all the time. You. Need to make that happen. So go treasurize or something. Boom. Money magic!

MNUCHIN: Wow. Ok. Well first of all the Dow is going to fluctuate no matter what. I mean given the historic rise upwards over the past twelve months it’s inevitable that you’re going to have a historic correction as the market level sets on concerns of inflation. 




MNUCHIN: *Sigh*…stocks are a bumpy roller coaster ride, sir. 

TRUMP: Boom. Got it. But the whole Trump economy message has been “stocks good, so Trump good. Therefore best president ever. Trump market!”

MNUCHIN: Actually, sir, if you wanted a stronger economic message it would be that rises in wages are the true measure of economic success, not the Dow. 

TRUMP: Wages. 

MNUCHIN: Yes sir. Wages. 






MNUCHIN: It’s…what you pay people for their work. 

TRUMP: Whoa. Hold on there Your Majesty. Pay people? As in money? The hell are you talking about?  

PENCE: Actually, sir, a wage is a sort of, um, financial compensation for an individual in your employ giving their time and effort to-

TRUMP: Wait, you ham hocks are getting PAID to be here? 

PENCE: In a sense. 

MNUCHIN: You could say that sir.

TRUMP: No. Can’t say it. Cause can’t believe it. How is it you ham hocks are getting money and this is all we have to show for all your work right now?

PENCE: Well, I thought during your State of the Union you seemed pleased with all the success so far.

MNUCHIN: You pointed out the economic progress in particular when-

TRUMP: UGGGGHHHHH. That was all me. Trump responsible for success around here. When things go bad, it’s because you ham hocks get in the way. Successful impediments!

PENCE: I…*sigh*…sorry, sir.

MNUCHIN: We’ll…go work on the Dow.

TRUMP: Don’t go back until all the numbers go up. Trumping upwards!

PENCE: So…how are you going to tell him you fixed the Dow?

MNUCHIN: Easy. I’m just going to wait until the market corrects itself and then I’ll come back and tell him it’s all better now. 

PENCE: Do you think that’ll work? 

MNUCHIN: You mean will it work on the guy who’s been brain locked on the word “ham hock” all day?

PENCE: Good point. 

TRUMP: Hey you two! Get me lunch. I’m thinking…maybe…

PENCE: Ham hocks sir? 

TRUMP: You. Pence. Must be a mind reader. None of that hair pigment getting in the way of the brainwaves. Psychic follicles! Ham hock sandwich is perfect. Delicious hocks of ham!

MNUCHIN: While I’m at it, I’ll tell him I fixed the NASDAQ too. After I explain to him a NASDAQ is not a small troll living in his shoes.

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