2/9/2018 – Bread and Circuses

PENCE: Mr. President, I have some terrible news!

TRUMP: You looked in a mirror?

PENCE: *Sigh* The government is shutting down again. 

TRUMP: Ungood. Can’t happen. This calls for decisive action. Expedient reply!

PENCE: Well I’m happy to hear you’re going to compromise somewhat on your DACA stance to-

TRUMP: Military parade. 


TRUMP: Boom. 


TRUMP: But not real boom. Parade boom. Marching drums!  

PENCE: I…don’t underst-

TRUMP: Bread and Circuses. 

PENCE: Is this some sort of new investment sir? Or am I-

TRUMP: UGGGHHHHHH. You. Need to reread your history of the Roman Empire. 

PENCE: Ah. This is one of your broken clock being right twice a day moments where you’re uncharacteristically brilliant. 

TRUMP: During the Late Empire period around the Third Century Crisis, the Flavian Amphitheatre – or as you know it in your barbaric Visigoth foolspeak, “the Colosseum” – was increasingly used as a distraction and military PR device to move attention away from the failing Roman Imperium.  The worse the decline, the more spectacular the events. We need that here. Military parade!

PENCE: Or…we could, you know, actually fix the-

TRUMP: Start with troops. Marching in formation. Regular marching though. None of that high kicking tae kwon do Nazi goose stepping. Too close to despotism. Can’t have!

PENCE: Aaand we’re back. 

TRUMP: Then the tanks. The big ones. The ones that help you digest when they rumble by. Gastrointestinal support!

PENCE: Just…going to stop talking now. 

TRUMP: Then the missiles. Big massive, erect ones. Impressive. Manly. Inferior to the ol’ Trumpedo of course, but still can destroy things for freedom. Collateral damage!

PENCE: Perhaps a much cheaper alternative, like talking about the Olympics or-

TRUMP: Jets flying in formation overhead. Multi-leveled marketing!


TRUMP: But actual jets. Not loser football Jets. Rebuilding year! 

PENCE: We are not the Roman Empire!

TRUMP: Really? We’re not a collapsing republic that worships gladiator combat while the middle class migrates to patrician and plebeian class structures that lead to uncompromising lack of political compromise between two political classes, the aristocratic Optimates and commoner Populares, thus paving the way for an authoritarian despot who favors increasing use of the military in foreign wars?



PENCE: Wow. 

TRUMP: Watched American Gladiators last night. 80s show. That Nitro. Could probably be a real gladiator. Fighting Gauls on steroids!

PENCE: I’m just kind of shocked you actually acknowledged that you are an authoritarian de-

TRUMP: Talking about Clinton. Almost got elected. Would have led to barbarian invasion. Talking about Mexicans. Crisis averted! 

PENCE: So to bring us back to…whatever this is…I guess instead of circumventing the government shutdown you want me to plan a-IS THAT A DOLLAR???

TRUMP:  What? Where?

PENCE: Sorry sir, just a picture of President Washington. I got confused.

TRUMP: You. So easily distracted. Disgraceful. 

PENCE: Won’t happen again sir. 

TRUMP: What were we talking about?

PENCE: …how much you hate my hair. 

TRUMP: Good reason. Like a bleached loser. Devoid of pigment. It’s like your testosterone escaped through your scalp. Frosty loser!

PENCE: *Sigh*…crisis averted.  

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