2/12/2018 – Kim Yo Jong

TILLERSON: So if we keep the budget for NASA within last year’s standards the agency may be able to-

TRUMP: Cut it.

TILLERSON: -and now we’re grounded from the heavens. 

TRUMP: Space. Too dangerous for Americans. Have to watch out for those Klingons. Dangerous Jedis!

TILLERSON: I think I just heard the souls of a thousand nerds explode. 

TRUMP: That’s it? Got a game of PUBG to get back to. 

TILLERSON: All that’s left is the whole Kim Yo Jong situation. 

TRUMP: Too many calories. Will stick to General Tso’s chicken. That General Tso. Amazing guy. Brilliant military mind. Master chef. Chinese Renaissance man!

TILLERSON: No, sir. Kim Yo Jong is Kim Jong Un’s sister. She’s getting a lot of publicity at the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.

TRUMP: Which event is she in? Figure skating, right? Those Asians, great figure skaters. Probably from the lack of breasts making them spin faster. Cultural aerodynamics! 

TILLERSON: Ah. Well. First of all…wow…second, she’s not competing in the Olympics, per se, unless you consider publicity an Olympic competition. 

TRUMP: Of course it is. Trump. World record holder in publicity. Won so many golds my hair changed the same color as the medals. Natural victory hue! So good. Trumplympics best lympics, believe me. 

TILLERSON: Very good sir. Unfortunately, Vice President Pence is also there and the international media is just eating her up. She’s quite attractive, and she makes look Pence look awful and awkward by comparison when they stand next to each other. 

TRUMP: Of course she does.  Pence makes anyone look good by comparison. That’s why he’s VP. He’s my ugly doppelganger. An uglyganger. Like a living Before photo. Relative attractiveness!  

TILLERSON: Apparently the mainstream media agrees with you, Mr. President. CNN just said Kim Yo Jong is stealing the Olympics.

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. Ok. First of all the Communist News Network is in love with North Korea? Shocker. Two. She probably has some PR role in the government related to what she’s doing. What’s hers? 

TILLERSON: She’s the Director of the Propaganda and Agitation Department. That’s impressive sir! How did you-

IVANKA: Hey Dad. 

TRUMP: What’s up, Vonks?

IVANKA: Can I borrow Air Force One? 

TRUMP: Keys are under my book of Pence jokes. Volume 3. 

IVANKA: Thanks. I’m picking up some hats in Prague. 

TRUMP: Back before 10! 




TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Oh, um, nothing. We just need some sort of diplomatic response to counter her good press.

TRUMP: Send the Ho. 

TILLERSON: I…don’t think that sending some trollops to-

TRUMP: UGGGHHH. You. Such an idiot. Practically Pencean. Ji Seong-Ho. The crutch guy from my State of the Union talk. Guy limped his away across China and Southeast Asia on a single crutch to freedom. Send him as a guest to the Olympics. Get him near the sister. Make her look bad by comparison. Show the liberal media how awful and hypocritical the North Koreans really are. Mirror of reality! 

TILLERSON: That’s…quite ingenious sir.  

TRUMP: Lib media needs to see that freedom can’t be contained by a single despotic family oppressing the rights of a single nation and all its people. 

DON JR: Hey pops!

TRUMP: You. Junior. What do you need?

DON JR: Me and the guys are throwing a party. Can I borrow Florida? 

TRUMP: Sure. Don’t break it, and clean it up when you’re done with it. 

DON JR: Florida? Come on Pops.

TRUMP: Good point. Orlando. Hopeless case. Try some bleach. 

DON JR: Thanks Pops!




TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Got any more of that bleach? I need a drink. 

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