3/5/2018 – Fish F-er.

PENCE: Is it time? 

TILLERSON: *Sigh* I’m afraid so. 

PENCE: Couldn’t we just, I don’t know, tell him it’s still going on? This has been the most peaceful three weeks since I’ve been here. 

TILLERSON: At some point he’s going to run out of food and water and then come the inquiries. Because technically that would be murder. 





PENCE: Well-


PENCE: *Sigh* ok. Hit the button. 

TILLERSON: Mr President, we’re opening up your private escape bunker. 

TRUMP: You. Rex something. Forgot last name. Not Trump last name so no need to remember. Oscars all done? 

TILLERSON: Yes sir, it’s safe, you can come out now. 

PENCE: Welcome back, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: President Trump. Into the future. If the future looks like you two it must be dumber than ever. Sci-Fi stupidity!

PENCE: As requested sir, I have the recap of the Oscars. 

TRUMP: And? 

PENCE: …the Fate of the Furious did not win. Again. 

TRUMP: Travesty!

TILLERSON: Didn’t that release last year? 

TRUMP: Doesn’t matter. Any movie that combines the acting caliber of Dwayne Johnson with Mark Sinclair should be nominated every year. Special SAG exemption!

TILLERSON: Mark Sinclair? 

PENCE: Vin Deisel. Just…don’t ask. 

TRUMP: Rest of Oscar deets. Go. 

PENCE: Coco won best Animated Film. 

TRUMP: The one where the Mexicans invade death? Horrible. Need walls!

TILLERSON: Dunkirk won a few awards for-

TRUMP: Don’t care about Star Trek. Go. 

PENCE: Ah. Kirk. I understood that reference!

TILLERSON: Call Me By Your Name won for Best Adapted Screenplay. 

TRUMP: Sounds interesting. What’s it about?

TILLERSON: It’s a homosexual-

TRUMP: Next movie. 

PENCE: Jordan Peele won for Best Original Screenplay for Get Out. 

TRUMP: Digging the title. You. Plot. Go.

PENCE: So this African American man and a Caucasian woman-

TRUMP: Next movie.

TILLERSON: The Shape of Water won Best Picture. 

TRUMP: Explain. 

PENCE: Well, sir, it’s a bit of a dark fantasy movie where a deaf cleaning lady falls in love with a captured merman creature in a top secret government lab.

TRUMP: Makes no sense. 

TILLERSON: It’s fiction, Mr. President. There’s no such thing as-

TRUMP: No. Plot I get. Reverse Splash. Tom Hanks. Darryl Hannah. Gender swapped. On board with that.  But water. No shape. Confusing title. Should just call it Fish Fucker. Honest title!

PENCE: Fish-

TILLERSON: -Fucker. 

TRUMP: Boom. 




PENCE: I..don’t think…the Academy would-

TRUMP: All of this pointless. Want to know the big thing. 

PENCE: Ah. Changing subjects. Thank God.

TILLERSON: You were actually not mentioned much during the awards ceremony at all. The celebrities focused on the Times Up movement. 

TRUMP: You. Ugly Oscar stand in. Times Up. Explain.

PENCE: That’s the movement where the Hollywood community is demanding an end to sexual harassment of women from powerful men. 

TRUMP: Amazing. Outstanding. What an achievement!

TILLERSON: Wow! Well I have to say I’m impressed by your stance on this issue Mr. Presi-

TRUMP: Times Up. Amazing work of complete fiction. Unpossible. Will never happen. Should have won Oscar for best unattainable goal. Would sooner believe in that Fish Fucker movie than sexual harassment ending. Fact of life!

TILLERSON: You knew he was going to say that didn’t you? 

PENCE: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I won Best Actor in a Comedy and Horror. 


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