3/14/2018 – Cupcake Battle

PENCE: Sir, Rex Tillerson is here. 

TILLERSON: Good morning Mr. President, I have the today’s breakdown of the-

TRUMP: You’re fired.





TILLERSON: Heh. I’m sorry sir, I know you said “you’re tired” and that’s true I’m a but fatigued today but it sounded like-

TRUMP: You’re fired.



TRUMP: Boom.


TILLERSON: Is Mike the-

TRUMP: No. You. Rex. Done. Bye. Roll credits, take elevator down to lobby, get in car, give quick commentary, run next week’s preview. 

PENCE: You’re…not on The Apprentice sir.

TRUMP: I’m sitting in the big chair firing people left and right for being incompetent and failing to execute on any random idea that shoots into my head.  

PENCE: …Dear Lord you’re right. 

TRUMP: Boom again. 

TILLERSON: Uh, hey, back to me here!

TRUMP: Never back to you. Only back to me. Trump. GPS of this office. 

TILLERSON: WHY am I being fired? Is it my job performance?

TRUMP: No. You. Great job, even though you did awful job. 

TILLERSON: Personality conflict? 

TRUMP: No. You. Minimal personality. Barely enough to have a conflict. Still a better personality here than the Albino Crusader here, but not that. 

PENCE: A crusader! Thank you for the compliment, sir! 

TRUMP: Exhibit A. 

TILLERSON: I have to admit I’m at a loss here sir. Why are you letting me go?

TRUMP: You. First name Rex. Just found out that means “king”. Thought it meant dog, like “Come here Rex!” Rexdog appropriate. You. Fetch. Good. You. King. Ungood. Only one King here. Two thumbs up, pointing back at this guy with the amazing totally natural hair. Trump King best king believe me.

TILLERSON: You DO realize the entire foundation of our country was built on overthrowing the power of the British Monarchy? 

TRUMP: Unrelevant. You. Not king. If I have someone beneath me going around calling himself a king people will talk badly about me. 

TILLERSON: …and not about everything else. 

TRUMP: Already replaced you. Mike Pompeo. CIA chief. 

TILLERSON: The CIA Director? An…interesting choice. Commendable in fact. May I assume you selected him based on his flawless track reco-

TRUMP: Name reminds me of that city in Italy. 

TILLERSON: Pompeii? 

TRUMP: Boom. Great place Pompeii. Therefore, great replacement. Never been to Pompeii, but heard it’s a huge tourist attraction. Can’t miss!

TILLERSON: You…do realize that Pompeii was destro-

PENCE: -JUST labelled the World’s Greatest Tourist Attraction in 2018! Great pick sir!

TRUMP: Boom!

TILLERSON: …said the volcano. Have you no soul Mike? 

PENCE: Hey, his name’s Mike too. So I figure he can take half of the abuse. 

TRUMP: Unpossible. Pence abuse. Plenty to go around. Nonstop font of degradation!

TILLERSON: Suddenly I’m ok with this departure. 

PENCE: …take me with you? 


TRUMP: Still can’t believe Dee Snyder and Adam Carolla in the running. Next week cupcake battle.


PENCE: Just let him believe it, Rex. That way we can convince him to take time off for commercial breaks. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s