TRUMP: So to recap. Sharks with lasers. Must recruit for Space Force. Can’t let Galactic Nazis control Venus. Sacred planet!
MATTIS: WILL DO SIR! U.S. SPACE MARINES WILL DOMINATE THE STARS! OORAH!!!
PENCE: Mr. President! I have some important news about-
MATTIS: PLEASE LET ME KILL THIS ALBINO PANSY BOY SIR!
TRUMP: Ugggh. You. Pence. Eeep! Can’t even do terror right. You. Mad Dog. Entertaining. Love your enthusiasm. Lots of “gusto” or whatever the right Swedish word is. Need Pence around. Makes me look better. Low bar!
TRUMP: Dismissed, Mattis.
MATTIS: THIS AIN’T OVER PENCE!
PENCE: I literally have no idea why he hates me so much.
TRUMP: You. Joking. Look at you. Just a big Ken doll of wrong. Like God sat down and said “How do I define wrong?” Then said “Bingo!” and made you. Prototype of awful!
PENCE: Well, sir, I have something you might find in the “right” category-
TRUMP: Uggh. Even your segues are awful. Talk.
PENCE: There’s been another school shooting in Maryland!
TRUMP: You. Unboom. Need more context. Go.
PENCE: Ah. Well, a high school student just down a-ways in Maryland shot two other high school students.
TRUMP: Awful tragedy. Just the worst. Guns. So awful. Shouldn’t have to be held by bad guys. Should be in the hands of good guys. Firearms need love too!
PENCE: Those two students were critically wounded-
TRUMP: Thoughts and prayers.
PENCE: Of course, but the shooter was shot and killed by an armed campus security guard!
TRUMP: Great news. So good. Not best news ever. Best news is Trump becoming President. Day that will live in infamy. Historic!
PENCE: I…don’t think infamy is the-
TRUMP: Listen to you. Captain of the SS Thesaurus here. Articulate dinosaur!
PENCE: Sure. Infamy is…correct. As you say sir.
TRUMP: No time for talk. Teenage shooter killed. Great day. Need to take action!
PENCE: So when are you planning to visit the hospitals of those two injured students? I’ll make sure the press is-
TRUMP: Not talking about them. Already said thoughts and prayers. All better now. Need to tweet how Trump was right all along about getting guns in the hands of teachers. Trump guns, best guns, believe me.
PENCE: I think I should point out, Mr. President, that while I agree with the presence of firearms in schools, this was a professionally trained security guard, not a teacher.
PENCE: So I think you know what that means.
TRUMP: Naturally. All security guards now teachers.
PENCE: Wait, what? No! I meant-
TRUMP: Teachers. So dumb. Book smart but not street smart like Trump. Teachers. No guns. Security guards. Have guns. Therefore smart. Kids listen or else. Armed curriculum!
PENCE: I’m…going to go see if I can take General Mattis up on that offer to kill me now.
TRUMP: Sure. Tell him to stop by when he’s done. Want to get that security guard on the Space Force. Only the Finest!