3/23/2018 – Hippo Ripper

TRUMP: You. Caucasian flunkie. Read that back to me. 

PENCE: *sigh* ok…”Biden. You. Wimp. Big mouth. Can respect. Weak old man. Can’t respect. Will go down hard and fast. Tomorrow. Behind the bleachers. Let’s finish this. Boom.”

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: Are you…sure you want me to send this to Mr. Biden sir? It seems so…so…

TRUMP: Manly. I know. Naturally. Trump too much man for Biden. Don’t want to hurt him but a threat’s a threat. Have to counter threat. Take care of things. Nip in the bud! 

PENCE: I…just don’t think your fighting Joe Biden is a proper response to-

TRUMP: Not fighting him. 

PENCE: But your message-

TRUMP: Just says to meet behind the bleachers. He shows up, Seal Team Six roughs him up a bit, I issue warning, problem solved. So good. Just the best. Puglistic education!

PENCE: I used to fight you on this stuff, but I’m just going to nod passively and say “Right away, Mr. President.”

TRUMP: Uggghhh. You. So passive. Like a workaholic quarterback. Always passing. Not even a good quarterback like Joe Montana or my best friend Tom Brady. More like an albino Geno Smith. Nothing but passes and interceptions. Need someone to break your jaw. No defense!

PENCE: Speaking of wisdom sir, National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster is here as requested. 

TRUMP: You. Awful segue. Need a distraction from the concept of you. Bring him in. 

McMASTER: Good afternoon Mr. Preside-

TRUMP: You’re fired. 

PENCE: And here we go. 

McMASTER: I’m ok with this. 

PENCE: Wait, what? 

McMASTER: Gotta admit, I kind of expected it. Hey I’m shocked I lasted as long as I have. 

TRUMP: Good man. Smart. Looks ahead. That’s why I hired you. Still fired though. 

PENCE: Mr. President, this doesn’t make sense! Why are you-

McMASTER: Can I take a guess, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: In the words of the NRA, shoot. But safely and only after extensive training.

McMASTER: I was going to say you’re uncomfortable with my approach to a more stable foreign policy approach, or how you and I never aligned professionally, but gun to my head-

TRUMP: Only do the gun thing with Pence. 

PENCE:  The President means well when he does that. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

McMASTER: Well, gun to my head, I’m going to guess you want me to leave because my last name is McMaster, which you think is a threat to being considered a master, unlike you who is “totally a master, the best master, believe me, so good.”

TRUMP: Boom. 

McMASTER: Boom indeed sir. 

TRUMP: But only a half-boom. 

 McMASTER: Wow. Ok, I thought that was it. 

TRUMP: There’s your weakness. Trump. Never ending pit of reasons. No bottom. 

PENCE: Did you really mean to describe yourself as a dark bottomless pit, sir? 

TRUMP: Yup. Filled with reasons. Firing McMaster here for a couple more. 

McMASTER: I admit I’m curious. 

TRUMP: Right on first part. Last name. Master. Can’t have that around here with Trumpmaster around. People may get confused. Can’t have! But there’s more. Not just Master but McMaster. Sounds like a perfect burger from the golden arches. But not burger. Just old guy. Big let down!

McMASTER: If it would have helped to bring you a Big Mac from time to time I could have-

TRUMP: Already have Pence for that. Also. You. Bald. No hair. So awful. Even Pence here, so weak. So Geno Smith passive. But has hair. Even useless white failure hair better than no hair. Can’t abide!

McMASTER: Got it. You’re an anti-scalp-ite. Any other-

TRUMP: First name HR. You’re an initial guy. Man of mystery. Those two letters could stand for anything. High roller. Human resources. Hungry rhinoceros.  

McMASTER: It’s Herbert Raymond, sir. 

TRUMP: Howitzer robot. Hilarious Ringo. Hippo ripper. 

McMASTER: How long is he going to do this? 

PENCE: Let’s just say he once spent one weekend trying to say Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Horatio Reebok. Hippie retard. Hungarian racist. Horny rump! 

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