4/26/2018 – Yeezus

PENCE: So once again, congratulations, Mike, on your Senate confirmation for Secretary of State!

POMPEO: Thanks, Michael! I’ll see what I can do to bring some normalcy to what I understand has been a rather…unorthodox presidency to date. 

PENCE: It’s been…interesting. But hopefully now the President having two Mikes on his staff will be the craziest thing that happens going forward. 

POMPEO: Come on, it hasn’t been that nutty around here has it? 

KANYE: ‘sup? 







PENCE: Hello there Kanye West.

POMPEO: Wait, what the heck are you doing here? 

TRUMP: I live here.


PENCE: Good day, sir. 

TRUMP: Uggghh. “Gah.” Just so weak. Been spending too much time with Pence? Is this a Mike thing? Two Mikes. Not good. Note to Trump: You’re amazing. Second note to Trump: No more Mikes.  

PENCE: I believe, sir, we’re  just a little confused as to why Mr. West is here in the Oval Office. I’m not surprised, but definitely a little confused.

TRUMP: You. So wrong. Mr. West. Not his name. Call him Yeezus. Like Jesus but with a Y, like if a Mexican was saying it. Need grammar wall!

KANYE: I get emotional over fonts. 

POMPEO: Is this the norm around here? 

TRUMP: You. So new. No idea what’s ahead. Taco bowl of surprises!

PENCE: You’ll get used to this Mike. 


PENCE: …no. 

KANYE: Oranges are proof that wizards are real.

TRUMP: This guy. My new best friend. Makes total sense. Finally. Someone who gets me, right Yeezus? 

KANYE: Fur pillows cure all cancers. I’m a cultural meteor!

PENCE: I think we’re just a little confused by this sudden and spontaneous  friendship. 

TRUMP: You. So dense. It’s a mutually beneficial semi-professional relationship. Trump liking Kanye means I gain legitimacy with the African American community voter bloc and I’m redefined as someone who is in tune with and supported by key figures of the cultural zeitgeist, while Kanye continues to maintain relevance by building his brand as a cultural disruptor who demonstrates his individuality by swimming against both societal and racial norms. 

POMPEO: …wow. How did he- 

PENCE: Oh, that’s his broken clock. He’s spontaneously lucid twice a day. It’s usually followed by-

TRUMP: Plus he’s married to Kim Kardashian. Kim. So gorgeous. Just amazing. Enormous rear. Could build a golf resort on that. Already has sand traps. Natural topography! 

PENCE: That. It’s followed by that. 

KANYE: I am a living planet populated by angels. Spam is ambrosia.

TRUMP: Yeezus. So good. Shame about what he is though. Would never usually hang out with his type. 

POMPEO: Whoa! Hold it right there, sir! That’s not appropriate!

PENCE: I thought we talked about this!

TRUMP: Can’t help it. Hate these people. Reality stars. Just the worst. Can’t stand!

POMPEO: …Oh. OH! Oh! Ok. Phew!

PENCE: That’s a relief!

KANYE: Aristotle. 

TRUMP: If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people who have to do everything they can to get attention on TV with no talent or appeal whatsoever. 








TRUMP: What? 

KANYE: Jedis are the devil. 

TRUMP: This guy. So original. Definitely not a Mike. Classic Yeezy!  

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