5/2/2018 – Vibranium

PENCE: Mr. President, the President of Nigeria Muhammadu Buhari is here. 

TRUMP: You’re kidding. 

PENCE: I’m not sir. He’s just outside the-

TRUMP: Not that. Nigeria. They actually named a country after-

PENCE: YES sir. The country is named after the Niger river. 

TRUMP: You. Totally avoiding awkward conversation. So sad. 

PENCE: Shall I send in President Buhari? Just a quick reminder, he speaks English fluently so there’s no need to-

TRUMP: Ugghh. You. So ignorant. Already speak Nigerish. All dialects!

PENCE: Whelp, this isn’t going to end well no matter what I do, so I’ll just dive behind the sofa when the diplomatic grenade explodes. 

TRUMP: I stopped the Korean War. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy. 

PENCE: Here he is, sir. 

BUHARI: Good afternoon Mr. President! Allow me to say it is a tremendous honor to meet-

TRUMP: NI! HAO! PRESIDENT! MOGADISHU! BUKKAKE!

PENCE: Well that has to be a new record. 

BUHARI: Ah. I see. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe told me of your renowned silver tongue. I expect this will be quite the experience. 

TRUMP: NIGERIA! SUCH! A! GREAT! COUNTRY! NOT! LIKE! THOSE! SHITHOLE! COUNTRIES! IN! AFRICA!

BUHARI: Yes, we are proud of our economic growth and dedication to education. But perhaps-

TRUMP: OK! SMALL! TALK! DONE! NOW! COMES! HARDBALL! DEALING! WE! GIVE! YOU! GUNS! AND! AMERICAN! CULTURE! YOU! GIVE! US! VIBRANIUM!

BUHARI: I’m afraid I don’t understand your request for-

TRUMP: NEED! VIBRANIUM! TO! MAKE! SUPER! SUIT! TRUMP! SUIT! SO! GOOD! THE! BEST! BELIEVE! ME! BUT! TRUMP! VIBRANIUM! SUIT! ULTIMATE! WEAPON! SO! CLASSY!

PENCE: Mr. President, I…think President Buhari may need some clarification on-

BUHARI: Ah. I believe I understand. I apologize for the misunderstanding, President Trump, but unfortunately, I am the president of Nigeria, not Wakanda. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

BUHARI: Wakanda, you see, is a fictional place. It does not actually exist. Nigeria is an actual country where I lead the All Progressives Congress party. Our primary export is crude oil, not vibranium which, like Wakanda, also does not exist.  

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

BUHARI: Our country lies on the Coast of Guinea. 

TRUMP: DON’T! CARE! HOW! CLOSE! YOU! ARE! TO! ITALY! 

BUHARI: I also regret to tell you that I don’t possess a magical panther suit. 

TRUMP: OK! ONE! MOMENT! PRESIDENT! MAHJONG! You. Pence. Quick question. Why am I speaking to President Jumanji here-

BUHARI: -I can understand every word you are saying-

TRUMP: -when this guy can’t even get me some vibranium? I don’t even think he’s really from Wakanda. Look, no plates in the lips. He’s not even doing that clicking thing when he talks. Total fraud!

BUHARI: On that note, I believe I will take my leave. I would like to say it has been a pleasure to meet you, but I am sworn to my personal honesty. 

TRUMP: WAIT! BEFORE! YOU! GO! LET! US! HELP! YOU! FIGHT! THANOS! CAN! MOCK! TWEET! HIM! INTO! GIVING! YOU! INFINITY! STONES! TRUMP! DIPLOMACY! BEST! DIPLOMACY! 

PENCE: Thank you for your time, President Buhari. I will send you our standard Diplomatic Apology Package. 

TRUMP: Send them the cheap stuff. Trinkets, old T-shirts, cigarettes. Like gold to shithole country. Art of the deal!

PENCE: Again, I apologize, Mr. President. 

BUHARI: Don’t be troubled, Michael. In fact, I believe I will be able to send your President some vibranium. 

PENCE: It’s not going to be an elephant turd in a box is it?

BUHARI: No. 

PENCE:

BUHARI:

 PENCE:

BUHARI: Yes. 

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