5/10/2018 – Dry Cleaning

PENCE: Mr. President, the American hostages you freed from North Korea are here.

TRUMP: So good. Hostages freed. Media has no excuse now. Will totally love me now. Nothing to hate!

PENCE: …sure. Anyway, Secretary of State Pompeo is bringing them in. 

POMPEO: Mr. President, may I present to you former hostages Tony Kim, Kim Hak-Song, and Kim Dong-Chul.

TRUMP: Good to meet you all. So good. Just the best. But don’t need suits dry cleaned. Have White House staff. Pressed and dried!

PENCE: Oh Dear Lord. Sir, these are not your dry cleaners. 

POMPEO: These are the hostages, Mr. President. 

KIM: An honor, Mr. President.

HAK-SONG: Thank you so much, sir!

DONG-CHUL: What’s going on?

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP: You. Pompeo. Over here. Other you. White guy. Forgot your name. 

PENCE: Mike Pence. I’ve been your Vice President for-

TRUMP: Not important. More important. Who are these guys? 

POMPEO: As I said, they’re the hostages, sir. 

PENCE: The ones you convinced Kim Jong-Un to release. 

TRUMP: Can’t be. Look at them. Must be decoys. 

POMPEO: I…don’t understand.

PENCE: How can they be decoys? 

TRUMP: Look at them. They’re not-

PENCE: *Sigh* Let me guess: not white? 

TRUMP: Well compared to you everything is not white. Anti-melanin!

POMPEO: Mr. President, just because they’re not Caucasian doesn’t mean they’re not real Americans. 

TRUMP: Listen to you. Now which one of us makes no sense? 

POMPEO: Well I thi-

TRUMP: I can make this hostage release a hostage trade. 

POMPEO: Shutting up, sir. 

KIM: Pardon me, but is everything ok? 

HAK-SONG: Are we in trouble? 

TRUMP: Not yet. 

DONG-CHUL: No really what’s going on here? Are we on an episode of The Apprentice? Why is Donald Trump meeting us? Is this some sort of photo op before we meet the President? 

PENCE: He’s the President. 

TRUMP: Greatest President. 

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP: So good. Just the best, believe me. 

DONG-CHUL: Oh come on. I know I’ve been imprisoned since 2015 but I’m not THAT out of it. They would never let this nutjob lead America!

TRUMP: Boom. Exhibit A. Not Americans. Only real Americans love Trump. True patriotism!

POMPEO: Mr. President! These are American citizens!

PENCE: They’re as American as you and I, I assure you!

KIM: Actually I’m from South Korea.

HAK-SONG: I’m Chinese. Came to America in the 90s.

DONG-CHUL: I lived in a Chinese city near the border of North Korea. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: Send them back. 

POMPEO: We…can’t do that sir. 

PENCE: We really shouldn’t start breaking deals.

TRUMP: You. Must be new here. These two thumbs. Pointing to this guy. The guy who broke Iran deal. Iran. No Nukes! Korea. No Goo-

PENCE: DON’T SAY IT.

TRUMP: What? No Goons. Can’t send us decoys. Makes us look bad. Like total goons. Worse than Pence!

POMPEO: What if we…kept them here as…American hostages?

PENCE: Yes. YES. That’ll show Korea, Mr. President. How much of a…gracious President you are! 

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  Trump. So gracious. Just the best. Acceptable hostages. 

DONG-CHUL: Are you sure he’s the President? 

PENCE: I literally have no idea. 

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