PENCE: We’ve expanded out the search parties everywhere sir but unfortunately we still haven’t been able to-
MELANIA: Hello Donald.
PENCE: Like I said we believe she may be in the Oval Office.
TRUMP: Ugggh. You. Captain Vanilla Failure. Out.
PENCE: Outing now sir.
TRUMP: Mel. Where the hell have you been?
MELANIA: Vere have I been? Donald. Vere have yoo been? Eeets been over one month seence yoo’ve last-
TRUMP: Mel. Fourth wall. Don’t break. Trump builds walls, doesn’t tear them down. Construction only!
MELANIA: Vell eef yoo must no, I’ve been een that reedeekyulus seenkhole on the lawn. Vie ees eet steel there?
TRUMP: Not a sinkhole. Golf hole. The Trump putter not working the way it used to.
MELANIA: And heere comes…
TRUMP: Not that Trump putter. That one. Attached to me. So good. Just the best, believe me. Hole in one!
MELANIA: The necessary peenis reemark. Preedeectable.
TRUMP: Also, need an escape tunnel.
MELANIA: Now eet ees the eenteresteeng. Vie eskape tunnel, Donald?
TRUMP: Donny. Out making public appearances. Speeches. Pinning medals on cripples. Patting mediocre kids on head telling them they’re amazing even when they’re not. But not me.
MELANIA: No? Than who ees-
TRUMP: Blump. Black Trump. You know him as Don King but works as body double. Put him in white face, almost like the real thing. Black doppleganger!
MELANIA: So vat hyave yoo been doing vith yoorself, Donald?
TRUMP: Preparing for Kim Jong Un meeting. Stakes. Lots. Not great steaks like Trump steaks, but unclassy potentially nuclear war stakes. Medium rare disaster! Can’t leave Oval office until I’ve figured out negotiation strategy. Need to figure out how to talk to insane egotistical dictator with questionable hare. Hirstute maniac!
MELANIA: Yoo may need to konsoolt vees the Pence on that.
TRUMP: Trump regrets not being around.
MELANIA: Vell there vas that von time vere vee made love last veek. Yoo vere amazing.
TRUMP: Didn’t see you last week.
TRUMP: Goddamn Blump. Need to have him killed.
MELANIA: That…might be unvise, Donald. You are scoreeng beeg vith the Afreecan American communeetee.
TRUMP: You. Not trying to save Blump for a future date are you?
MELANIA: Eeef I say yes veeel you admeet to the Stormee?
TRUMP: You. Tough negotiator. Knew there’s a reason I married you. Besides being totally hot. Hard bargain driver.
MELANIA: Perhaps I shoold do the negotiate veeth the Keem Jong.
TRUMP: Tempted, but you’d blow his mind. North Korea would consider it an assassination attempt. Diplomatic sexiness!