POMPEO: Ok, sir. So when you shake Kim Jong Un’s hand, make contact, provide a light shake, count to 9, and then release. This way you can demonstrate to the photographers your long term commitment to peace with a prolonged physical gesture, but don’t shake too long otherwise public opinion will sway towards your need to have complete control and dominance over all others. A concluding shoulder pat is optional.
TRUMP: Ugggh. You. So worried. Almost Pencian in your concern. Didn’t you see how I handled those folks at the G7 summit?
POMPEO: I did. That’s why I’m talking to you about this.
TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy, believe me. Natural bringer togetherer!
POMPEO: He’s here sir. Now remember the photographers are already clicking so make sure 9 seconds.
TRUMP: Out of the way. You. Kim. Crazy haired maniac. So good. Almost the best. Trump best is best best, believe me. High five.
POMPEO: Looks like I’m working overtime.
KIM: You. Trump. Crazy haired maniac. So good. Almost the best. Kim best is best best, believe me. High five.
POMPEO: I should have expected this.
TRUMP: First things first. You. Lots of respect for being totally in control. Can fire anyone you want. Any time. Can respect!
KIM: You. Trump. Mad props for complete domination. Can shoot or send anyone you want to labor camp. So good. Just the best believe me. Natural leader!
TRUMP: You. Need to chart new path. Can’t have communist China tell you what to do. Be independent!
KIM: Putin called. Says he has new things he wants you to do! Must obey!
POMPEO: Well this is getting slightly apocalyptic.
TRUMP: Ha! Sick burn!
KIM: Let’s do the Yo Mama jokes next!
POMPEO: I see literally no way how this can lead to a safer planet.
TRUMP: You. Kim. No more nukes.
KIM: Sure. No biggie. Will provide full denuclearization. As long as you stop playing army with the Southies.
TRUMP: Can do. Can do.
POMPEO: Wha? How…how the hell is this working? There is no logical explanation for-
TRUMP: Hey where’s our interpreter?
RODMAN: ‘sup yo.
RODMAN: Who’s the man, baby?
TRUMP: I am. So good.
KIM: Me too. So manly.
RODMAN: Three manly dudes. Just the best.
TRUMP: Just the best. So good.
KIM: So good. Believe me.
POMPEO: Strangely this may be the least shocking explanation.
RODMAN: Who’s up for ice cream and insane hair care secrets?
TRUMP: All in. Rocky road.
KIM: Let’s do this. Almond nut.
POMPEO: …whelp, if crazy is the only thing that’s going to work, then sign me up for a head injury, I guess.