6/20/2018 – Ball

POMPEO: I’m not certain we need to worry about these particular details so early in the process, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Not a planner. That’s why your city is gone. Covered in lava!

POMPEO: Again, Mr. President, neither I nor my immediate family are from the ancient Roman city of Pompeii. My last name merely sounds-

TRUMP: Space Force needs lightsabers. Tell NASA to get moving on that. Force is strong!

POMPEO: Sir, I must insist that it’s not possible to-

PENCE: We’ll get right on that, Mr. President!

TRUMP: This guy. Pence. Mostly useless but knows how to get the ball rolling. Pale go-getter!  

POMPEO: Why would you enable him like that? 

PENCE: Trust me, when his ball is rolling it’s best to get out of the way. 

TRUMP: What’s the next enormous problem I’m solving in five minutes today? 

POMPEO: Well, there is the whole illegal immigrant children thing. 

PENCE: Basically any illegal border crossers-

TRUMP: Filthy criminals. 

POMPEO: Well many of the illegal immigrant families are simply seeking-

PENCE: Yes sir, the filthiest. 

POMPEO: JESUS, Mike, how could you-

PENCE: Ball. 

POMPEO: *Sigh* Fine. 

TRUMP: So what’s the dillyo? That’s what the black kids say right? 




PENCE: Sure. 

TRUMP: You. Half albino man. Speak. 

PENCE: Well sir, long story short, the media are having a field day about your decision to simply enforce the policy of sending border crossers back to Mexico. However, an unfortunate side effect is immigrant kids are being separated from their parents. 

TRUMP: O’Bomb’s program. Been going on for years. Kids in cages. So awful. 

POMPEO: But sir, even though former President Obama is no longer here, the kids are still being separated from their parents and being detained in holding facilities with chain link fences. And these facilities, sir…well…quite frankly, they look like cages. 

TRUMP: Totally true. One big difference. 

POMPEO: What’s that? 

TRUMP: Trump cages best cages. So good. Just the best. Classy incarceration!






TRUMP: Walls. So much better. Cage fences. Acceptable temporary substitute!

PENCE: So, Mr. President, the immigrants-

TRUMP: Law breaking filthy refugees.

PENCE: Law breaking filthy refugees, sure, are coming here breaking the inherent border laws of the country. And then these individuals are being separated from their children. 

POMPEO: Even though quite often these adults and children are unrelated. 

TRUMP: Sounds awful. Terrible O’Bombs policy. Heartless. Just the worst. 

POMPEO: Mr. President, technically that is true, but even though you inherited this awful policy the media is unfairly focusing on this existing policy to smear your name. 

TRUMP: So unsmearable. People love me.  



TRUMP: I can make you disappear in 12 hours. 

POMPEO: Got it. Well, regardless, by allowing the program to continue, this is being misinterpreted as your policy now. 

TRUMP: No more separations. Ending policy. Done. Boom. 

POMPEO: Wow. That was…easy. 

PENCE: Just wait for it. 

POMPEO: Wait for what? I don’t understand. The president just reversed a policy that keeps illegal immigrant families separated. It shows he’s a compassionate-

TRUMP: Can’t have Trump name smeared over a bunch of Mexicans. Trump name spotless. So good. Trump name best name believe me. 

PENCE: That. Wait for that.  

POMPEO: Just when I thought there was a spark of altruism there-

PENCE: It was stomped on by the sledgehammer of ego. Get used to it. 

TRUMP: You Pompeii guy. Find out if any of those Mexicans are interested in joining the Space Force. Can help defend planet against Klingons. Also keeps them in space and out of the country. Boom. Double-edged bird!

POMPEO: I don’t think that figure of speech is-

PENCE: Ball, Mike. Ball. 

POMPEO: …yes sir. Double-edged…bird. 

TRUMP: Up next. Cancer. I can skip lunch. Quick fix! 

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