7/6/2018 – Epics

PENCE: Sir, Scott Pruitt is here. 

TRUMP: Scott Pruitt. 

PENCE: Yes sir. 




PENCE: EPA chief. You’re firing him. Lack of ethics. 

TRUMP: Got it. Needs those. Ethics. 

PENCE: Yes sir. Ethics. 

TRUMP: Ethics. 



PENCE: It means good behavior and doing the right thing. 

TRUMP: Already knew that. Trump has lots of epics. So good. So epic. Believe me. Epic king!

PENCE: No, sir epic is actually-

PRUITT: You wanted to see me sir? 

PENCE: Thank God. I’ll be outside. 

TRUMP: You. Pence. Out. But don’t go too far out. New derogatory terms I want to try out. Albino test dummy! 

PRUITT: Is this a bad time or-

TRUMP: You. Pruitt. Gotta fire you. So bad. No epics. Can’t have that. 

PRUITT: Epics? Mr. President I’m afraid I don’t understand what you-

TRUMP: Not me you. You you. You. Bad guy. Have to let you go.  

PRUITT: I don’t under-

TRUMP: Wait for it…..YOU’RE FIRED. Not just fired but Trump fired. Trump fired best fired believe me. Take limo downstairs, make video commentary, see you next week on the Apprentice.

PRUITT: Sir I’m afraid you’ll have to explain the reasons why I’m being let go. 

TRUMP: You know. 

PRUITT: Afraid I don’t sir. 




PRUITT: Should…I get the Vice President? 

TRUMP: No. Get Pence instead. 

PRUITT: Isn’t he the…sure. Be right back!

TRUMP: Ugh. This guy. So unepical. 

PENCE: Mr. President, you wanted to see me? 

TRUMP: No. Not at all. You last thing I ever want to see forever. Just need you to tell Mr. Unepics here why I’m firing him. 

PENCE: Ah. Well. There’s the 13 federal investigations into his behavior and decision-making at the EPA, the excessive first-class flights and personal security budget, he’s universally reviled by both Democrats and Republicans, his leadership has been questioned by all his subordinates, he’s a climate change skeptic with close ties to the fossil-fuel industry and spent years suing the EPA over policies he argued constituted federal overreach, he enlisted a government aide to help secure his wife a business opportunity with Chick-fil-A and a potential 6 figure salary at a GOP group, then there’s the excessive and inappropriate use of staff for personal errands, the luxury hotel stays where he asked his staff to pay on their personal credit cards, and let’s not forget the-

TRUMP: Got it. So unepical. But not a bad guy. Scott. You. Defend yourself. Go. 

PRUITT: Sorry sir, my mouth was full. Just finishing up my sandwich. 

TRUMP: What kind of sandwich. 

PRUITT: Baby seal. 

TRUMP: Baby seal. 

PRUITT: Yes sir. Delicious. Had my secretary pay for it. 

TRUMP: Pence. You. Need to ask you something. 

PENCE: Go ahead sir. 

TRUMP: This is that epics thing you’re talking about isn’t it. The bad kind. 

PENCE: Yes sir. Bad ethi…er…epics. 

TRUMP: Ok. Pruitt. You. Fired. Out. You. Pence. Find me new EPA chief. Someone into oil. 

PENCE: *sigh* Got it sir. 

PRUITT: Sorry sir. Anything else? 

TRUMP: No. Wait. Yes. Leave the sandwich. Sounds delicious! 

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