8/18/2017 – Full Bilbo

BANNON: Sir, I can’t believe you stood by those outdated and inaccurate facts about General Pershing!

PENCE: It was a nice story sir, but yes they were inaccurate. 

BANNON: Wow. Way to play to both sides, Pence.

TRUMP: Accuracy. Unimportant. Key thing is it shows how tough we need to be about controlling racism. Inaccurately tough!

BANNON: Sir, the press is going to kill you on this. How do you expect to win over the public?

TRUMP: Don’t need to win over the public. Never wanted to. Public loves to hate me, even if I’m effective, they’ll find something. Remember when they used to be all “Russia Russia Russia” and then “Guam Guam Guam”. Love affair regardless of final emotion. 

BANNON: Ok, fine, that’s…correct, but how can you avoid claims that you’re a racist when you’re on TV and the internet defending Nazis? 

TRUMP: Not defending Nazis. Sick of both sides. Both sides mean one side is Nazis, other side is liberal Antifa rioters. Rioting. Never good. Respect for fellow man is paramount despite fundamental differences in belief system. Plus, can’t support property damage. Hotel values. So important. Tremendous. When I say White Nationalists are very fine people, doesn’t mean I support their Nazi stance. Means I believe in the fundamental good nature of all folks despite their incorrect moral stance. Heart of gold! Except for Pence there. Ugh. Can’t trust man with no hair color. Pick a side. 

BANNON: Oh crap. 

PENCE: What? 

BANNON: He answered two impossible corrections correctly. If he answers a third-

TRUMP: Troll man loses power and goes back to under his bridge. Boom. 

PENCE: So just don’t ask a third.

BANNON: It doesn’t work that way fauxbino! I’m locked in now!

TRUMP: Fauxbino. Angry about that. Angry that I didn’t think of that first. Like albino but fake because not real albino. But still looks like one. Fauxbino. So good. Tremendous.

BANNON:

TRUMP:

BANNON:

TRUMP: Go ahead troll boy. 

BANNON: Ah. I got it. How can you sleep at night? No…he’ll say he’s rich. Do you have a real plan for this country? No, no. He’ll believe he does and it’ll technically be correct. Think Bannon think!

TRUMP: Out with it. Getting tired of waiting. Presidents don’t have to wait. 

BANNON: Aha! What…do I have…in my pocket?

PENCE: Did you just go full Bilbo on him?

BANNON: Shut up Pence. 

TRUMP: I think I want to say the ring of Sauron. Your precious. 

BANNON: Phew. That was close. Ok two out of three, Mr. President. Nice try but you’re not getting rid of me that easily.

TRUMP: Slow down crepe face. Said I think I want to say that. Not a true reply. I already know what you have in there. 

BANNON: What? 

TRUMP: Jewish porn. 

BANNON: AACCCKKK! I’M MELTING!!!! MEEELLLLTINNNNG! MEEELLLLTINNNNG!

TRUMP: Based on your face, I’d say it already started. 

PENCE: What the….he’s a puddle now.

TRUMP: Not him. Just his flopsweat. He dropped through the floor. He’ll be back under a bridge by nightfall. 

PENCE: So I…guess you fired him, sir. 

TRUMP: Not just any firing. A Trump firing. So good. Just the best. Definitely one of the top 5 fires. Ranks right up there with La Toya Jackson, Dee Snider, and Gary Busey. Tremendous. Believe me.

PENCE: How did you know what was in his pocket?

TRUMP: Nobody can be that anti-Semitic and not have a fetish.

PENCE: Oh, like you and-

TRUMP: Watch it fauxbino. God. Love that line. SO good!

PENCE: What now sir? 

TRUMP: Same a always, just less Bannon. It’s just you and me now Pence. Now you get all my attention. 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Shit.

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8/17/2017 – Event Horizon

TRUMP: Ok. Racism in Charlottesville. Solved. Done. No more racism. Getting along! Time to move on.

PENCE: Sir, I don’t think that-

BANNON: Let it go, Pence. Anything else will just cause more damage. 

TRUMP: Ok. Back to business. With businessmen. Time to meet with CEO business council. Talk about business. With people who make business their business. CEO. Calm empathic organizers. Just the best. So good, believe me.

PENCE: Um, I don’t think that’s what CEO-

BANNON: Mr. President you don’t have anyone on the advisory council anymore. They all quit after what happened with your statements in Charlottesville. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: Which you totally solved!

BANNON: God you are such a kiss-ass. 

TRUMP: CEOs. Cowardly enemies overwhelmed. Awful. Can’t be trusted even when I solved everything in Charlottesville. Just the worst, believe me.

PENCE: Actually, Charlottesville is still-

TRUMP: You. Troll man. Tell the CEOs they’re fired. 

BANNON: Um, sir, they…already resigned. 

TRUMP: Resigned. 

BANNON: Yes sir. 

TRUMP:

BANNON: 

TRUMP:

BANNON: It means someone voluntarily stopped working for you and left. 

TRUMP: You. Listen to you. “Resigned”. Like that’s a word. You mean pre-fired. 

PENCE: I hesitate to ask, sir, but what exactly is the difference between resigned and pre-fired?

TRUMP: Pre-fired. Imaginary world you live in with elves and dragons and people who decide they’re not working with me anymore. Nobody wants to stop working for Trump. Trump boss best boss. So good. Just amazing. Believe me. Nonsensical! Pre-fired. People know they are about to be fired by me so they know they have to leave. Eliminates the hassle of having to fire them personally. Like express checkout at hotels. Very efficient, even though I don’t get to say “You’re fired.” Trump firings best firings, believe me. 

BANNON: So what I’m hearing is you are able to fire employees in the present and in the past before they even knew they were going to be fired?

TRUMP: I also fire employees in the future. Trump brain can fire employees across the whole space time continuum. Like a giant black hole, where time loses all meaning. 

PENCE: Sir, did…you just compare your brain to a black hole? 

TRUMP: Bingo. Nothing escapes the ol’ Trump noggin.

PENCE: I…don’t even know where the reality ends and the parody begins anymore. 

TRUMP: You got it. Trump event horizon. Spans all potential realities. Schrödinger’s brain! 

BANNON: If you’ll excuse me sir, I need to call Neil DeGrasse Tyson. And cry. A lot. 

TRUMP: Let him know he’s fired in 2019. Boom. Spacetime!

8/16/2017 – All Sides

TRUMP: Ughhh. Fake media not listening. Take my exact words and report them to the public. Totally missing what I’m saying. Unfair!

BANNON: Agreed, sir. No context whatsoever. 

PENCE: You should get ahead of them Mr. President! 

TRUMP: Already ahead. Rich. Therefore automatic winner. But have to go to Twitter to get point across. Public will listen!

BANNON: Actually that reminds me sir, former President Obama sent out a tweet about Charlottesville.

TRUMP: Who cares? Nobody listens to what he has to say anyway. Tweetless voice! Twitter. Best media outlet. 140 characters of truth, immediate public response. Voice of the people!

PENCE: Actually sir, it became the….most liked tweet…in the history of Twitter. 

TRUMP:

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

BANNON:

PENCE: And the fifth most retweeted tweet. Sir. 

TRUMP:

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Twitter. Twitter. Worst media outlet. 140 characters of lies. Voice of losers. Can’t trust people getting information from a single source. Media monopoly!

BANNON: That reminds me sir, you have a press conference in 5.

TRUMP: Good. Who’s in the press room?

BANNON: Alex Jones from Infowars, the Daily Stormer, and Fox News.

TRUMP: Good. Range of opinions. Crazy, racist, and losers. All sides represented!  

8/15/2017 – Blandaccino

BANNON: Ok sir, let’s give it another shot. 

PENCE: From the top.

TRUMP: My fellow Americans. I don’t like these Nazis. They’re really bad guys. Ok? They’re ungood. Don’t like!

BANNON: What did you think?

PENCE: Bland.

TRUMP: Uggghh. You would know bland. Like a giant, walking, talking, bland smoothie. Blandaccino! 

BANNON: Mr. President, your last condemnation of the Nazi protesters in Charlottesville just wasn’t strong enough. The people are demanding stronger language!

TRUMP: Sure. Because that worked SO well with OBombs. Oh, you attacked my embassy? Diplomatic shunning. What’s that, a terrorist attack in a market? Expressed disappointment. Weak! 

PENCE: Nevertheless, sir. In this instance a strong denunciation would help our image.

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: *Sigh* You. Your image. Not mine.

TRUMP: Bingo. Nothing helps your image. Except maybe some melanin.

BANNON: Sir, the denouncement of Nazis shouldn’t be that hard.

TRUMP: Want to know where OBombs and Crooked Hillary were with all of the Black Lives Matter violence against cops, or all of the Antifa rioters?

PENCE: We know sir, but let’s tackle one group at a time. Let’s focus on Nazis.

TRUMP: Always do.

PENCE: I mean condemning them.

TRUMP: Ugggghh FINE. Don’t like those guys anyway.

BANNON: I…hesitate to ask this, but…why don’t you li-

TRUMP: Tiki torches. Tacky. It’s like they went shopping at Bigots, Bath and Beyond. Just the worst. No sense of style. Unfashionable racism!

PENCE: I…I just can’t anymore.

BANNON: Let’s go with that. It has to start somewhere.

TRUMP: And why are all those Nazis dressed like the Geek Squad staff at Best Buy? Are they marching or fixing my hard drive? Get a uniform.

PENCE: Sir, you see, there was this war that happened in-

BANNON: Don’t bother. He might get “ideas”.

PENCE: Wait a minute, I thought you were a racist. Aren’t you?

BANNON: Of course not! How dare you?

PENCE: Sorry, I didn’t mean to-

BANNON: I’m anti-Semitic. Totally different thing.

PENCE: Ah.

TRUMP: They’re sporting a good look for my golf course, though. Note to self. First condemn, then send invites to Mar a Lago. Double dipping!

8/14/2017 – That’ll Do

BANNON: Try again.

PENCE: Ok sir. One more time, from the top.  

TRUMP: Shoot. 

PENCE: Hillary Clinton. 

TRUMP: Crooked. 

PENCE: Jeb! 

TRUMP: Low energy.

PENCE: Obamacare. 

TRUMP: Failure.

PENCE: The White House.

TRUMP: Dump. 

PENCE: North Korea. 

TRUMP: Maniacs. 

PENCE: Media.

TRUMP: Fake!

PENCE: Liberals. 

TRUMP: Losers.

PENCE: Kristen Stewart. 

TRUMP: Cheater. 

PENCE: Charlottesville Nazis. 

TRUMP: You know, there’s really many sides to this issue. Can’t jump to conclusions. Need to consider all aspects. Hear all points of view. Multifaceted!

BANNON: Jesus Christ!

PENCE: Please don’t use our Lord and Savior’s name in vain.

BANNON: Why this, though? Why does he cling to impartiality now, over this? 

TRUMP: Weak.

PENCE: Excuse me sir? 

TRUMP: Jesus. Nice guy but weak. Had all that power, still couldn’t unite the world. Weak! 

BANNON: I can’t believe this. 

TRUMP: Believe it. Could have even used his Dad to fix things but never made the call. Jesus’ dad. Powerful guy. Not like Trump Junior’s dad but can still wield a lightning bolt. Old Testament money!

BANNON: Got a plan B, Pence? 

PENCE: We…could tell him he needs to give his opinion to the press about buzzcuts…

TRUMP: Evil. Buzzcuts. Condemn completely. Shortsighted. No place in this country. Stands against everything we believe in. Follicular immorality!

BANNON: Jackpot.

PENCE: I’ll alert the media.

TRUMP: Don’t want to talk to media. Take everything I say and twist it. PR contortionism!

BANNON: Mr. President, did you hear how fat, ugly women are referring to themselves as Nazis?

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Nazis are just the worst. Hate them so much. No time for Nazis. Need to burn in Hell. Caloric blight on society! Call a presser.

BANNON: That’ll do Mr. President…that’ll do…

8/11/2017 – Guam

TRUMP: Can’t believe North Korea is threatening Guam. 

BANNON: Yes, sir. Guam. 

PENCE: Guam.

TRUMP: 

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: It’s an island in the Pacific. 

TRUMP: Already knew that. Unincorporated territory. Capital City is Hagåtña and largest city is Dededo. 

BANNON: That’s…right?

TRUMP: Can’t have Kim Jong Un threatening to attack the largest island in Micronesia. 

PENCE: Wow! That’s correct sir!

TRUMP: You could probably see those missiles coming all the way from Mount Lamlam, which is 406 meters above sea level. No harm must come to the Chamorros, the indigenous people of Guam. Already suffered from the Japanese in World War 2. Need time to heal!

BANNON: That’s amazing sir!

PENCE: How…do you know so much about Guam, sir?

TRUMP: Have a factory made there. Make my Trump tie clips. Just the best. Holding ties like any other cheap tie clip, but Trump tie clip. Therefore classy. So good. So good. Also trying to set up one of my hotels in Tumon. Largest tourist hub in Guam. Twenty hotels already there and a pleasure island. But no true pleasure until Trump arrives. Trump pleasure best pleasure. Just tremendous. 

BANNON: Well other than being slightly nauseated at the term “Trump pleasure”, I have to say I’m really impressed, Mr. President! 

PENCE: Or it could be one of those situations where he focuses all of his intelligence on a single bit of minutia but misses the big picture. 

TRUMP: Unpossible. Trump brain best brain. Knows all things big and small. Scalable mentality!

BANNON: I have to admit it is a bit of a stretch that you know so much about Guam.

TRUMP:  Big fan of their belembaotuyan music, but not their mangnginge sniffing ritual of their elders. Pops Trump. Brilliant businessman but smelled like brandy and Cuban cigars. Pungent capitalist!

PENCE: Sir, where is your tower located in New York? 

TRUMP:

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: What’s a New York?

BANNON: And the world is right again. 

PENCE: It’s like Old York but newer.

TRUMP: Makes sense. Old York, not getting job done. Need to fire and hire New York. Circle of life!  

8/9/2017 – Fire and Fury

BANNON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

BANNON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

BANNON: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: What?

BANNON: Fire and Fury????

PENCE: North Korea????

TRUMP: Yup. Absolutely. Both are paying a visit there. 

BANNON: How could you possibly threaten-

PENCE: This will drop us to DefCon-

TRUMP: New tag team I’m developing for Vince McMahon and WWE. Fire and Fury. Patented move is angry flamethrower. Bringing the heat! 

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: They’re no Legion of Boom but can’t be too careful if they use Fuji and Tanaka. Asian body slam!

BANNON: Ok, that’s…fine I guess. 

PENCE: At least we can sleep a little be-

TRUMP: Just finished tweeting to Putin. Going to send Armageddon on Russia.

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: New Intercontinental Champion. Armageddon. The Ragnarok of the Ring!

BANNON: We really need to take away his Pay per View privileges.

PENCE: It’s a nonstop pit of pain and suffering.

TRUMP: You. Pence. Good idea. Send Pain and Suffering to Afghanistan. Need to call Vince McMahon. Number two on my speed dial. Greco-Roman Diplomacy!