1/22/2018 – Downward Hippo

TRUMP: You. Not Pence guy. Where’s Pence?

TILLERSON: You sent him to Israel sir on a diplomatic mission.

TRUMP: We like the Jews now?




TRUMP: Boom. Got it. Guess I’ll ask you then…



TILLERSON: US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

TRUMP: Knew that. Just testing you. What’s all this talk about the government shutting down? 

TILLERSON: It’s true, Mr. President. The government’s closed down. Nothing we can do about it. 

DeVOS: It’s those Democrats, sir! They’re refusing to cooperate until the Republicans agree to pass DACA for the Dreamers. 

TRUMP:  So we’re shut down because the Democrats want to hear Dancing Queen on the radio before bedtime? 

TILLERSON: That’s Abba, sir. They’re from Sweden. 

TRUMP: Sweden. Great country. Lots of tall hot blondes. Totally unlike that shithole Norway. Completely different!

DeVOS: Mr. President, you’re not going to budge on DACA are you? 

TRUMP: That kid can get around with Boots and her map just fine. Doesn’t need our help. Self reliant!

TILLERSON: I believe that’s Dora. 

DeVOS: The Explorer. 

TRUMP: The brown Hispanic kid with the parents that let her run around in the jungle?

TILLERSON: Yes sir. 

DeVOS: Boots is her monkey. 




TRUMP: So how come the Democrats-

TILLERSON: They did not shut the government down because of Dora, sir!

DeVOS: Mr. President, DACA is the the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program that would protect young migrants known as “Dreamers” from being sent back to their country of origin. Democrats want to stop you from sending them back. 

TRUMP: So what they’re doing is they’re allowing the Democrats to play hero with foreign born illegal immigrants by preventing their legal and justified deportation by financially strangling millions of government employees including the military and VA hospitals all in an overt effort to build up a generational future voting block while touting the ethnic diversity rhetoric? 

TILLERSON: What the-

DeVOS: That’s one assumption Mr. President. 

TRUMP: We need to send a clear message that resistance to DACA is not hatred towards migrant children. Rather, it is a demonstration to the prioritization of support of both US born citizens as well as those immigrants who entered and naturalized through lawful means. We don’t lock the doors to our home because we hate our neighbors, we do it because we love the residents in our home and want to provide security for them first.

TILLERSON: How the hell did he-

DeVOS: Broken record syndrome. He’s brilliant twice a day. Followed by-

TRUMP: Heard that on Twitter. Twitter. So good. Too many fat girls doing yoga, but have take the good with the bad. Downward Hippo. Can’t respect!  

DeVOS: -followed by that. 


TRUMP: Tried ending the shutdown yesterday anyway. Made some calls. But the cow kept saying Moo. Tough negotiator!


1/18/2018 – Both Feet

TRUMP: Just had annual checkup. Doctors. Smart but not Trump smart. If they were Trump smart wouldn’t need to practice medicine. Would have it down already.

PENCE: I…don’t think that’s how physicians care for- 

TRUMP: Doctor Trump. Cure all diseases. Make Mexico pay for it. Especially Spanish Flu. Biological warfare!

PENCE: So what did the doctor say, sir? 

TRUMP: Perfect health. Best health money can buy. And Trump really rich, so really healthy, believe me. 

PENCE: …damn. 

TRUMP: What’s that?

PENCE: I mean…it’s a…damn shame he didn’t also do a cognitive analysis to demonstrate your mental fitness, sir.

TRUMP:  What, the brain test? Did that. Round hole. Round peg. Done. Perfect score! Trump brains, so healthy. Like Einstein, if Einstein was smart like me. So good, just the best. Billionaire brainiac!

PENCE: So it’s all good news then.

TRUMP: One minor thing. Said I need to lose weight. Could lose a pound or two. Can’t do. Unpossible!

PENCE: Why is it unposs…er…impossible, sir?

TRUMP: Trump never loses at anything. Not even weight. Tragic winner! Such a burden.

PENCE: Well how much did he say you weigh? 

TRUMP: 239. 

PENCE: 239.

TRUMP: Boom. 



PENCE: And… both feet were-

TRUMP: I need a new ambassador in Siberia.  

PENCE: ANYWAY, you know Mr. President, if you…donated…some of your, um, unneeded weight to charity…your pockets would have extra room for more money…





TRUMP: This guy. Pence. So smart. Not Trump smart, obviously, because come on that’s unpossible for anyone not Trump. But still. Brainy suggestion. Should get brain test!

PENCE: Why thank you sir! I-

TRUMP: Don’t let it go to your albino scalp, Pence. If the doc did your physical you’d test positive for chronic brown nose disease. Terminal sycophant!

PENCE: That disease has a definitive end date in about 7 years. Maybe even 3. 

TRUMP: And then you’ll still suffer from moderate to severe Pence. Terminal disorder. Ask your doctor if melanin is right for you. 

1/12/2018 – Shithole





TRUMP: What? 


TRUMP: Oh. That. Good one. Classic Trump!

PENCE: It’s not good! How could you say that? 

TRUMP: Easy. Open mouth and say-

PENCE: That’s not what I meant! How did you think that’s a great idea?

TRUMP: You. Don’t think much do you? Must have Haiti for brains. 

PENCE: I leave you alone for a few minutes, or in this case almost two weeks-

TRUMP: You. Fourth wall. Don’t break it. Sacred!

PENCE: -and next thing I know you’re dropping the “S word hole”. 

TRUMP: Swordhole?


TRUMP: Please. It’s a word. No big deal. Overblown! 

PENCE: Well House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is on her way here and-

PELOSI: Right next to you, Pence. 


TRUMP: Ugh. You. Gah. Even your shock is girly. Untestosterone!

PELOSI: Mr. President on behalf of the American people and the Democratic Party-

TRUMP: -liberal leftist Anitfa-loving party-

PELOSI: -same thing, the people demand you apologize for your racist and despicable words!

TRUMP: Not gonna happen. Also, congratulations!

PELOSI: What are you talking about?

TRUMP: Heard you are going to Haiti on vacation. Exciting news!

PELOSI: What? No! That’s not-

TRUMP: Why won’t you go to Haiti on vacation? 

PELOSI: Because it’s a sh-





TRUMP: I’ll wait. 

PELOSI: Fuck you. 

PENCE: Language!

PELOSI: Fuck you too, Pence. 

TRUMP: Starting to like this broad. Pence hater. Instantly attractive. Wouldn’t bang, though. Standards!

PELOSI: Wow. You really see nothing wrong with what you said and how racist it is to Haitians, huh? 

TRUMP: UGGGHHHH. Ok. Follow me. Dominican Republic. Beautiful people. Love them. Women. So hot. Would date but wouldn’t marry. Not Caucasian enough. Still, people beautiful. Country beautiful. Great place!

PELOSI: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I agree with you. 

TRUMP: Haiti. Filled with Haitians. 

PELOSI: Who you obviously hate and think are shithole people. 

TRUMP: Wrong. Haitian people. Beautiful. Just as beautiful as Dominicans. Would also date but not marry. Country of Haiti is a shithole, not the people. Same island! 

PELOSI: That’s…a really stupid argument. EVERY country is a beautiful place. All countries are equal in their beauty and value regardless of their socioeconomic status in the international community!

TRUMP: Cool. Thanks for solving that other thing, by the way.

PELOSI: Solving what? 

TRUMP: The whole immigration thing. All countries are beautiful. So all those people jumping, running, swimming, digging to get here are all going to back now, right? 

PELOSI: Of course not!

TRUMP: Why? 

PELOSI: Theyre leaving to come here because those countries are sh-





TRUMP: I’ll wait. 

PELOSI: Fuck you.

PENCE: Language!

1/3/2018 – Buttons

PENCE: Uh oh. 

DeVOS: What’s wrong Michael? 

PENCE: The President is smiling. His Twitter smile. This can’t be good. 

DeVOS: Oh come on. I’m certain it’s not that bad. What could-

TRUMP: Boom. Just dropped best Tweet ever. 

PENCE: What did you do sir? Should I alert the Joint Chiefs? 

TRUMP: Just responded to Rocket Man. Bragging about how his nuclear button is always within easy reach. 

DeVOS: Uh oh.

TRUMP: Let him know I have a button too. HUUUUUUUUUUUGE. Much bigger than his. More powerful. Manly!

PENCE: Our Father who art in Heaven-

DeVOS: Well at least he didn’t launch any-

TRUMP: Put tiny button Rocket Man in his place. Let him know sometimes I just take my massive button out to admire it. Just drop it right here on the table. This button. So heavy. Strong and powerful. Just the best. Believe me. Masculinity personified! 

PENCE: Mr. President, if I could ask one simple question…and I must stress that I need to know this to determine if my wife and I will be vacationing in a bunker…you didn’t, you know, PRESS your button, did you?

TRUMP: Of course not. Pushing button. Here? In the Oval Office? Completely gross. Inappropriate! Even if  I wanted to, would lead to big mess. Clean up would take forever. Sticky situation!

DeVOS: I find large buttons quite impressive!

TRUMP: Trump button. Just the best. Has lots of girth too. Girthy, thick, manly button. Rocket man’s button. So small. Just like all the other Asian buttons. Explains the squinting!



TRUMP: Good thing African nations don’t have nukes because their buttons would be enorm-


DeVOS: I always thought it’s not the size of the button but how you press it that matters. 

PENCE: That might be true.

TRUMP: Spoken like a true tiny button guy. Obvious shortcomings!

1/2/2018 – Unpossible

PENCE: Happy New Year, Mr. President!

TRUMP: We’ll see about that. Every year being Trump. Happy year. So good being Trump, believe me. 

PENCE: Actually the traditional response is to wish the other person a happy new-

TRUMP: DOW up. Good. ISIS down. Good. Hillary still not President. Just the best. Taxes cut. Never paid them so don’t care, but good I guess. Twitter. Not banned. North Korea. Still useless. Iran. In riots. Melania. Still hot. 2017. Major success!

PENCE: I have to admit, sir, there are a lot of people who are surprised by your success. 

TRUMP: Don’t know how you’re going to top it. 

PENCE: How…I’m going to…

TRUMP: Granted. Pence. Mostly useless. Single function to make me look good and even more tan in comparison. But with all my success, all you have to do now is just ride everything I set up. 

PENCE: I don’t understand, sir. 

TRUMP: Not taking orders from you. Will be too busy golfing. So enjoy running the country. Congrats! 

PENCE: Mr. President, you’re still…shockingly…President. 





TRUMP: Unpossible. You. Arctic scalp. Explain. 

PENCE: The Presidency is not a one year job. You’re still President for the next 3 years. 

TRUMP: Three more years? 

PENCE: I’m afraid so sir. Literally, I’m afraid so. 





TRUMP: Shit.

PENCE: Yes sir. Shit. 

TRUMP: You. Watch your language. Fucking President here!

12/19/2017 – Trumpinator 2000

TILLERSON: Mr. President the media is saying you-

PENCE: Leave him alone Rex. 

TILLERSON: What’s…what’s he doing? He’s just sitting there with that smile. It’s creepy. 

PENCE: He…heard some good news. 

TRUMP: Go good. Just the best. Tremendous. 

TILLERSON: Is it the tax reform bill getting passed in congress? 

PENCE: Nope. 

TRUMP: Tax bill. Good news not great. 

TILLERSON: Is it the record Dow closings? 

PENCE: That makes him happy, but that’s not it. 

TRUMP: Dow. Going up, means Trump’s rich. But Trump’s always rich. Trump life rich life. Same thing!

TILLERSON: I know! It’s the liberal media beginning to acknowledge the president is not as bad they believe. 

PENCE: Surprisingly no. 

TRUMP: Liberal media. Eating crow. So delicious. Hypocrisy cuisine!

TILLERSON: All I have left is Omarosa leaving. 

PENCE: Rex! Don’t-

TRUMP: YOU. Don’t mention that name around here again. Omarosa. Just the worst. Never liked her kind. 



TRUMP: One of them. Just the worst. 

TILLERSON: Sir, you don’y mean bla-

TRUMP: Former Apprentice non-celebrity contestants. So useless all of them. Waste of Q-rating!

PENCE: That was close. 

TILLERSON: Ok, I’m at a loss here. Why is he smiling so much? 

PENCE: Disney finally set up his animatronic model at the Hall of Presidents. 

TRUMP: RoboTrump. So good. Trumpinator 2000 will take over the world. Political Trumpocalypse!

PENCE: Mr. President we, um saw your model, and it kind of looks like…well…

TILLERSON: The face on your model looks like Hillary with a wig. 







TRUMP: Good news just became great. Hillary. Already a robot. Trump robot with Hillary face. Ultimate insult to her. Cybernetic mockery!

TILLERSON: Got to admit, didn’t see that coming. 

PENCE: Well I didn’t see us getting to 2018 without the world in flames, but miracles do happen thank the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

TRUMP: Note to self. Change Twitter profile to Hillary face. Multimedia ridicule!

12/6/2017 – Isengard

PENCE: There’s a lot of fallout about the move.

TILLERSON: A lot of people are very surprised and upset, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: Couldn’t help it. Soft tacos. The devil’s work on the colon. Colonic exorcism!

PENCE: Not that kind of, um, movement. Sir. 

TILLERSON: Also, ew. 

PENCE: We’re talking about your recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. 

TRUMP: Why are people taking everything I say so seriously? Was joking about that. Trump jokes best jokes. So funny. Just the best, believe me. 

TILLERSON: You’re the president, sir. The public takes everything you say seriously. 

TRUMP: Well this changes things. 

PENCE: I’m glad that you are beginning to recognize the gravity of your actions and-

TRUMP: Didn’t know I have the ability to move capitals. Boom. Trump power up!

TILLERSON: I don’t think that works in all-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. China. Moving capital to Golden Palace Dragon Wok on Independence Avenue. Better egg rolls!

PENCE: I don’t think that’s how it-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. Mexico. Moving capital to Antarctica. No need to build wall now. Too far!

TILLERSON: The authority associated with your-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. North Korea. Capital moved to South Korea. Successful invasion!

PENCE: Mr. President, I-

TRUMP: NEW CAPITAL. France. Moving capital to McDonald’s on 46th street in Manhattan. Guess why. 






TRUMP: I have a wetlist for assassination targets. 

PENCE: *Sigh* because of the french fries.

TILLERSON: And the french toast. 

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: So regarding the embassy in Tel Aviv I’m assuming you want to still move it to-


TILLERSON: Wait. I got this one. Mar a Lago. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. Such an idiot. Just the worst. 

PENCE: I didn’t expect that one. 

TRUMP: New capital is New York. According to the Globalization and World Cities Research Network, New York and London are the only Alpha double plus rated cities in the world according to socioeconomic, cultural, and political influence. Washington. Three categories down as an alpha minus. Therefore, need to centralize power in global hub and undisputed U.S. hub. Streamlining urban efficiency!

TILLERSON: I have to admit that is the beginnings of a sound, logical argument that-

TRUMP: Also home to Trump towers. Trump. Most powerful person. Trump Tower. Most powerful place. Like Isengard but with gold plated toilets. Classier hobbits!

 TILLERSON: And that’s the end of a sound, logical argument.

PENCE: What’s a hobbit?

TRUMP: You. Such an Uruk-Hai. 

PENCE: ….thank you sir?

TRUMP: Sure. 

TILLERSON: Sir, about Jerusalem, I-

TRUMP: It made sense to recognize capital of Israel as Jerusalem. This recognizes a de facto reality that Jerusalem is the center of Israeli life and culture. Also, it serves notice to Palestine that their century-long assault on Isreal and Zionism as an idea have no place in modern society and therefore place the Palestinians on notice. It forces the world and the Muslim world in particular to recognize reality. It’s an ugly truth but a necessary one if we’re going to to achieve any long-term peace both in the region and in the world long-term. 

TILLERSON: Dear Lord that was brilliant! How did-

PENCE: Ah. Broken record. He achieves perfect clarity twice a day. Followed by-

TRUMP: Also, Jerusalem McDonald’s are the best in Israel. So good. So kosher. Tel Aviv. Sounds like a planet from Star Trek. No Klingons!

PENCE: Followed by that. 

TRUMP: Need to tweet. Jerusalem. New Isengard in the Middle East. No Uruk-Hai allowed. Stay out Pence!

PENCE: That’s…good? 

TRUMP: Sure.