6/23/2017 – Accurate

TRUMP: Got to admit you two. This new health care plan you guys came up with. Doesn’t make a lot of sense. 

PENCE: I think we can help explain that sir. 

BANNON: Ok, boys, come on in. 

TRUMP: Who are these two? What’s with the guy in the lab coat? Pence finally getting his hair taken care of? Good idea. Anything would be an improvement. Minimal standards!

PENCE: We thought it would help if we demonstrated how the new health care plan works. 

BANNON: This gentleman here in the lab coat represents the medical community under the current state of health care in the country. 

DOCTOR: Good morning, Mr. President.

PENCE: And the individual on the right is a patient.

PATIENT: Hi!

PENCE: Now under Obamacare, the patient only has a few dollars in his pocket and can’t afford the pills he needs from his physician. But under the current plan the physician is able to provide the pills to the patient anyway. 

DOCTOR: Here you go. 

PATIENT: Thank you!

TRUMP: Ok. Makes sense. Good plan. Except that it came from O’Bombs. Therefore worst plan in the history of plans. You couldn’t plan a plan that bad. Anti-plan!

BANNON: Now under the current plan that we’ve developed- 

PENCE: Ok, Senator McConnell come on in.

McCONNELL: Good morning Mr. President, Pence, Bannon. *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!!*

PATIENT: Holy crap!!! Are you mad! You shot him! 

TRUMP: Ok. So. Mitch. You shot the doctor.

McCONNELL: Yes sir. Four times sir.

PATIENT: I think he’s dead! Someone call an ambulance!

TRUMP: Makes sense so far. So how does this save us money?

McCONNELL: It’s quite simple sir. Ok boys, you know what to do.

PATIENT: Ow! What are you-stop!

PENCE: Easy now, just hand it over.

BANNON: Won’t…take…a…second.

PATIENT: Hey!! Give that back! *OOOF!*

PENCE: Ouch. Groin shot! Nice one Bannon!

BANNON: It represents our prostate cancer coverage.

TRUMP: So now what?

McCONNELL: We split the cash in his wallet. Everybody wins.

TRUMP: Nice plan. Not a Trump plan but still a good second place. Everybody benefits. Except for those two. But it’s their fault for needing to spend money on health care. Teaches them they should be healthy like Trump. Trump health best health. So healthy. So good. Natural orange glow of fitness. Tremendous. No burden to society!

BANNON: Not at all sir. 

PENCE: At least not in that respect. 

McCONNELL: If it’s ok with all of you now, I’m going to return to my nest and protect my eggs. 

TRUMP: You. McConnell. Not an owl. Mammalian politician! 

McCONNELL: I don’t know WHOOOOO keeps spreading those rumors. 

PATIENT: Can I….ow…go now??

PENCE: Not yet. 

BANNON: The pharmaceutical companies haven’t received their share yet. Please remove your clothes. 

TRUMP: Accurate!

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6/22/2017 – Solar Panels

PENCE: So sir, about last night-

TRUMP: What did Melania tell you? Totally untrue! FAKE NEWS. The fakest. Totally did not happen. Trump pipes working great!

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Like a giant orange hose. Putting out a fire. Conflagration maintained! 

PENCE: Ew. I…was actually referring to your speech. In Iowa. 

TRUMP: Iowa. Great people, but worst state name ever. Sounds like a guy with a broken jaw trying to say I don’t know. Novocaine!

PENCE: That was quite an…interesting speech you gave. 

TRUMP: Tremendous. So good. Just the best. Every time I think about it I say to myself, “Donald, first of all, you’re the best. So good. Just amazing. Also, you can’t possible do better than what you are doing right now.” Then I do. Trump boundaries are walls that only Trump can pass. Acceptable mental Mexican!

PENCE: Yes. The wall. About that. Um…solar panels? 

TRUMP: Great idea. The best. Just so good. Someone probably told me about it but I’m the one who said it in public. Therefore. Trump idea. Innovative appropriation! 

PENCE: How exactly are we going to pay for that? 

TRUMP: Pays for itself over time. The long term energy savings alone combined with the reduced reliance on foreign oil allows us to introduce solar energy as less of an alternative energy source, and more as a primary driver for mass consumption of solar power into the next century. Plus, this will allow Mexico to dramatically reduce the amount of their investment, and we can offer a significant amount of financial resources over time to help Mexico fight the war on drugs on their turf. A double investment, in a sense, where everybody truly does win. 

PENCE: Wow, it just amazes me how you do that broken clock genius thing twice a day. And then a moment later you revert back to-

TRUMP: Only problem is Mexicans will have to install the solar panels. They might think it’s giant mirrors and try to paint over it with images of Jesus or one of those saints with the glowy things around their lamp heads. Jesus. Great guy. Nice guy. So good. Can walk on water. Feet made of swimmies. Turns loaves and fishes into exponential growth. But the guy is not transparent. Opaque messiah!

PENCE: And there we go. 

TRUMP: New idea. Hang giant crystal ball over mirrors. Convince Mexicans it’s a HUGE dance hall. Need to hire three thousand DJs. Wait. They’ll be too busy doing that Salsa or the Tango or the Morengee or whatever it’s called. Too busy dancing, not enough time working. Lazy dancers!

PENCE: And there we go again.

TRUMP: New idea. We get soccer balls.

PENCE: They call it football down there.

TRUMP: Ugghh. You. Listen to you. Everyone knows football is American. Nobody calls a sport where you kick a ball with your feet and only use your feet “football”. Makes no sense. American pastime!

PENCE: I think I need to build a war around my brain.

TRUMP: Put solar panels around it. Wait. Your hair could probably do that. Look at those follicles. So reflective you could turn Medusa to stone. Clash of the Titans! 

6/21/2017 – Orange Mitts of Masculinity

PENCE: Mr. President, Senator Marc Rubio is here. 

TRUMP: Good. Send him in.

RUBIO: Good-

TRUMP: Ugh. You. Despise everything about you. Like a ventriloquist dummy with even more artificial hair.  

RUBIO: After a careful assessment of the analytics I can assure you that I am not a ventroloqui-

TRUMP: Total dummy. Rich billionaire tells you what to think and say, you say it. Probably has his hand up you as well. Not sure. But you’re from Miami so it’s possible. Financial proctology exam!

RUBIO: Mr. Pre-

TRUMP: So why are you here? 

PENCE: You invited him sir. 

TRUMP: Would never invite him here. Dislike the man. Past dislike. It’s like here’s dislike and he went right past it like that Swiss mountain climber on Price is Right. Spay and neuter your pets!

PENCE: Why do you dislike him so much sir? 

TRUMP: Man made fun of my hands. Said I have small hands. Not true. Trump hands HUUUUGE. Trump hands best hands. Two mighty orange mitts of masculinity, groping all in their path. 

PENCE: I thought you promised never to use that verb again, sir.

TRUMP: Come on. I promised something. Like that’s going to stick.

PENCE: Fair enough I guess.

RUBIO: So Mr. Presi-

TRUMP: Totally remember why I invited you here now. Not to play Marco Polo.

RUBIO: Never heard that one before.

TRUMP: Probably why you lost in the primaries. Now you have to play that game to find your career. Boom. Sick burn. Trump burn. Just the best. Tremendous. Flammable mockery!  

RUBIO: *Sigh* Why AM I here, sir? 

TRUMP: You hugged my daughter.

RUBIO: Ah, I see, the paternal instincts are in place. I assure you sir, I am happily married and only intended a courteous greeting with-

TRUMP: You’re the worst hugger I’ve ever seen. Just awful. Like a robot having a seizure during an earthquake. While drunk. Catatonic affection!

RUBIO: So what does this have to-

TRUMP: If you’re going to work for me you need to know how to hug. 

RUBIO: I don’t work for-

TRUMP: So I brought Ivanka back to coach you through the hug. Ok. Here we go. Vonks! 

IVANKA: Uggghh. Dad. Marco. 

RUBIO: Hello Ivanka. I have to apologize for *OOOF*!

IVANKA: Dad! What are you-

TRUMP: Had to push him into you. No time to think. Thinking is the worst. So bad for you. 

RUBIO: Apparently. Can you let go? You have a remarkably good grip for someone with such small ha-

TRUMP: Finish that sentence and Seal Team Six visits your new boat for a “spontaneous exercise”. 

IVANKA: Dad, come on. He’s all up in my personal space. 

TRUMP: Come on, arms up, get them around her back, but if I see any bicep touching her breasts President Dad is going to introduce you his executive orders. Talking about my fists. Karate in Chief!

RUBIO: Is this acceptable?

IVANKA: This is gross. 

RUBIO: Gross? Ouch. 

TRUMP: You. Rubes. Turn your head to the side. Air kiss. Good. Now three quick pats on her back that say “I’m. Probably. Gay.” Better. There’s hope for you yet. Not much though because you’re Marco Rubio and I’m Trump. Trump hope best hope. Manifest destiny! 

RUBIO: Satisfied? 

IVANKA: I’m trying so hard not to knee all of you idiots in the nuts right now. 

PENCE: What did I do? 

IVANKA: Nothing. As usual. 

TRUMP: Pence burn! We ARE related. Genetic mockery!

6/20/2017 – Confidential Machinations

BANNON: Mr. President, Senator Mitch McConnell is here. 

TRUMP: Good. Send him in.

BANNON: He’s…actually right outside the window sir.

TRUMP: Ugghhh. He’s still rewriting that health care thing, right? 

BANNON: Yes sir. 

TRUMP: FINE. Open the window. 

BANNON: There you go, Senator. 

McCONNELL: Good morning Mr. President. 

TRUMP: You. Mitch. Senate Majority leader. Rewriting Affordable Health Care Act. Removing Obamacare. Can respect!

McCONNELL: Thank you, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Not an owl. Cannot respect. Ungodly!

McCONNELL: I don’t know where these rumors start sir. I just…is that what I think it is? On your desk? 

TRUMP: This dead mouse? 

McCONNELL:

TRUMP: You want it? 

McCONNELL:

TRUMP: Catch!

McCONNELL: *gulp* Mmmmff thank youff Mffrr Prsssdent. *gulp* Any-WHOOO, I don’t know where these rumors start.

TRUMP: Clearly inaccurate!

McCONNELL: It’s enough to get my neck twisted and turn it three hundred sixty degrees to scan for small mammals!

TRUMP: Finally. Someone who didn’t say 180 degrees. Got it right! So good. Ok. Next topic. Health care bill. What’s the deal?

 McCONNELL: Sir?

TRUMP: You’re not letting any of the liberals see it. No problem. Can respect. O’Bombs and his flunkies practically wrote the entire Obamacare thing in private. You’re simply doing the same thing. Confidential machinations!  

McCONNELL: Thank you, Mr. President, but I fail to see how this is a problem. 

TRUMP: You’re not letting any of the Republicans see it either.

McCONNELL: Correct sir.

TRUMP: You’re also not letting me see it. Not good. Trumpcare needs Trump input. Trump health so good. Just tremendous. Perfectly toned physique. So manly. The best. Trump hair. So natural, so healthy. Nothing unusual at all. Natural mane!

McCONNELL: I’d be happy to share the draft with you Mr. President as soon as I’m finished writing it. 

TRUMP: Ok. You. Going to ask this once. Are you writing the bill at night while perched on a branch because you’re a nocturnal hunter? 

McCONNELL: No!

TRUMP: 

McCONNELL: Yes. 

TRUMP: Thought so. Can respect. 

McCONNELL: I’m actually quite impressed how you were able to determine that so quickly.

TRUMP: Trump logic best logic. Trump mind works so fast it’ll make your head spin.

McCONNELL: I’m actually good with that already.    

6/19/2017 – Hurly Burly

BANNON: And then I responded, “Megyn, I said InfoWars, not InfoWhores!”

PENCE: Ha! That’s hilarious! But not the whores part because that would be a sin against our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and GAH! 

TRUMP: You two. Quiet. Can’t you see I’m reading? 

PENCE: Hence the “GAH.”

BANNON: Mr. President, two things – first, congratulations on discovering books! 

TRUMP: Hate them. Waste of trees. Could be used to make money. Resource prioritization! 

BANNON: Ok, optimism averted, and number two, may I ask what you’re reading? 

TRUMP: Shakespeare. 

PENCE:

BANNON:

PENCE: Wow I wasn’t expecting that. Thought it would be Garfield or something.

BANNON: I’m so happy that you’ve demonstrated an interest in the Bard, Mr. President! I’m certain you’ll love-

TRUMP: Hate him. Just awful. The worst.

BANNON: Then again maybe not. 

PENCE: If I may ask, sir, why are you reading Shakespeare if you dislike his writing? 

TRUMP: Heard about some play they’re running. Julius Caesar. Successful General. Emperor of Rome. CEO of Orange Julius. Stabbed in the back by his subordinates. Just the worst. Backstabbing employees. Need to hire employees that give you all their trust. That way, so much easier to spontaneously fire them. Never see it coming. Ninja Pink Slips!

PENCE: Allow me to reassure you sir that Bannon and I are 100% loyal to you and-

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Not worried about that. You two. So incompetent you couldn’t backstab if I handed you a knife and jumped back onto it. Annoyed about this play. Some actors in New York are mocking me by pretending I’m Julius Caesar. Can understand confusion. So similar. Caesar. Fought the Gauls. Returns to capital, makes himself dictator. Assassinated. Failure! Trump. Fought all of Europe on last trip. Defeated them. Returns to capital. Already president. Like dictator but with suits. So much better than togas.  Left tries character assassination. Total failure! Trump character, best character.

BANNON: You most certainly are a character sir. 

PENCE: Pardon me sir, but I still don’t understand why you’re upset about-

TRUMP: Two reasons. Number One: Play in New York wants to fantasize about having me killed. Ugh. Get in line. If I had a dollar for every person who wanted to kill me I’d…wait. Already do. And Letter B: Shakespeare. Such a bad writer. English clearly not his first language. Awful prose! Just the worst. 

BANNON: I’m going to regret this, but what specifically are you-

TRUMP: Look at this. “To be or not to be, that is the question.” Ugh. Hamlet. So indecisive. Like O’Bombs and his Syria policy. Make a decision and do it. Trump Hamlet rewrite “Be. Done. Boom. Tremendous. Being. So good. Just the best.” Close curtain. Standing ovation. Wins a Tony or one of those other fruity awards where people get up to insult me. 

PENCE: I believe the play they are performing in New York is Julius Caesar.

TRUMP: Another bad one. Listen to this. “Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ears.” by Mark Anthony. So bad. First, if they lend you their ears, how are they going to hear you? Medical logic! And B, why is Mark Anthony talking to Romans? Shouldn’t he be speaking to his wife J-Lo about their kids? Latino singers. Too busy toppling empires, not strengthening family. Need a wall!

PENCE: Sir, I don’t believe Marc Anthony and Ms. Lopez are-

BANNON:  Just let it go Pence. 

TRUMP: This one’s not bad. “Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em.” Twelfth Night. Trump greatness, all 3. Trump greatness, best greatness. Wouldn’t need twelve nights. Immediate greatness!

PENCE: Mr. President, while I understand how it could be upsetting that these actors are attempting to use Shakespeare to make a mockery of the office, I wouldn’t worry about them. This is sure to blow over into nothing. 

BANNON: Indeed. After all, sir, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.”

TRUMP: As you like it. 

BANNON: Correct Mr. President! 

TRUMP: No, genius. I mean that’s probably how you like it. One guy playing all the parts. It means I have to do everything around here while you and the rest of this incompetent cabinet sits around doing nothing but playing. Hurly burly!

BANNON: Well, then, sir I apologize for-

TRUMP: Ugghh. So bored. Ok et tu Bannon, you and winterscalp of my discontent can leave. I have work to do. Got to send tweets mocking Shakespeare. This guy. Never going to make it as a writer. Not like Jim Davis. Literary genius!

PENCE:

BANNON: 

TRUMP: The creator of Garfield? You two. So illiterate. Should read. Garfield. So good. Fat cat. Orange hair. Does nothing. The best. Model for humanity!

6/16/2017 – Witch Hunt

PENCE: Ok, Mr. President, if you just keep the ice packs on your fists and keep your thumbs sticking up like that, you should be fine. 

TRUMP: Looks like I’m hitchhiking to heaven. Makes no sense. No need to hitchhike. Trump going straight to heaven in a private heaven jet. Divine business class!

CONWAY: Good afternoon Michael…Mr. President…um, what happened here? 

PENCE: He overtweeted. Double thumb strain. Nothing too crazy.  

TRUMP: Just awful. Makes me look like the Fonz. Fonz cool, but not Trump cool. Trump cool is absolutely the best cool. Just tremendous. Trump so cool he needs ice packs on his thumbs. Arctic Happy Days!

CONWAY: So what happened that the President overtweeted? 

PENCE: Oh, he was just…reacting…to the fact that Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and Special Counselor Robert Mueller are investigating the President for any obstruction of justice by firing Comey. 

TRUMP: Completely baseless. So baseless. If someone came to me and said where’s the base, I’d have to tell them there is no base. Would have to eat their turkey dry. 

CONWAY: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: Ugghhh. Because it can’t be basted. You two. Trump humor too fast for you. No comedic speed limit!

PENCE: Or road signs apparently…

CONWAY: Well, sir, maybe they are just doing their job. 

TRUMP: Not their job. Shouldn’t be wasting time prosecuting. They’re leaving us defenseless. 

PENCE: I…don’t think I-

TRUMP: How can an Attorney General lead our lawyers into battle if they’re too busy investigating crimes? Makes no sense!

CONWAY: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: Don’t know who attorneys are fighting anyway. Probably all those torts. 

PENCE: I don’t think torts are-

TRUMP: Why would they have to fight a delicious breakfast toaster treat? 

CONWAY: 

PENCE: 

CONWAY: Pop…torts? 

PENCE: Just go with it. 

TRUMP: Cherry torts. So good. The best. Juicy. Classy. Ready in a minute. Tremendous. 

PENCE: Mr. President, as…misguided as their investigation is, I’m certain their efforts will be fruitless dearGodwhydidIsay-

TRUMP: Fruitless. Exactly. Totally my point. Them. No fruits. Me. All the fruits. Therefore, they need fruits for their torts. Legal produce!

PENCE: Well regardless of…that…I’m certain this will lead nowhere. 

TRUMP: Like your efforts to find melanin in your follicles. Still untrue. Don’t approve of what they’re doing. Total Witch Hunt!

CONWAY: WHO TOLD?!?!?!?!? THEY’LL NEVER GET ME!!! THE DARK COVEN SHALL REIGN SUPREME FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS!!!

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

CONWAY: America!

TRUMP: Ok. Enough talking. Time for thumb rest. Then ordering mandrake and nightshade. Consult Necronomicon. Build defense against Dark Arts. Need to talk to Dumbledore about cabinet position. Secretary of Abracadabra. So good. So majestic. The best.

PENCE: Actually, sir, I don’t-

CONWAY: Just…just don’t. It’s been a long day for him.  

6/15/2017 – No Need to Wrap It

PENCE: The attending physician said he needs his rest, sir, so we need to cut this short. 

TRUMP: Last time I checked President outranks doctor. Unless Doctor President. Even then, Trump President beats Doctor President. Unless Doctor Trump President. Too much power!

PENCE: On that note, I’ll be outside hoping I don’t have to check myself in here one day.

TRUMP: You. Winter scalp. Out. Other You. Go. Speak. 

SCALISE: Mr. President…you didn’t have to-

TRUMP: Nonsense. You. House Majority Whip. Shot by gun toting pro-Bernie Sanders Liberal lunatic. Redundantly redundant. But had gun, so must be pro-NRA. Walking contradiction!

SCALISE: Well…I do appreciate…the gesture…

TRUMP: Same here. Let’s see it. Go.  

SCALISE: Well, I…don’t think the doctors…would allow me to…remove the bandages and…show you the wound, but-

TRUMP: Not that it. The other it. IT it. Go.

SCALISE: I don’t…think I…understand. 

TRUMP: My birthday present. Boom. 

SCALISE:

TRUMP:

SCALISE:

TRUMP: I get it. Shot. No time to wrap it. Would be bad manners. Trump etiquette best etiquette! 

SCALISE: Sir he…shot me because…I knew you…

TRUMP: And he’s dead now. Trump karma best karma. Your turn. Make good Trump karma. Present. Go. 

SCALISE: One moment sir. 

TRUMP: You. That button. Why are you pressing it?

SCALISE: Ordering…painkillers. Need…many…

TRUMP: That reminds me. Answer my question. 

SCALISE: What…is it?

TRUMP: You’re the Majority Whip, right? 

SCALISE: …correct

TRUMP: So you’re into pain then right? That shooting was like a good thing for you then.

SCALISE: Not really….I’m…still alive…having this…conversation… 

TRUMP: If you were House Majority Gun, maybe you wouldn’t be in here. Legislative powerup!