TRUMP: HUUUGE. President. Billionaire. Amazing hair. Orange. Women love him. Men want to be him but can’t. Low energy. Weak!

PENCE: Ugggghhhhhhh. Some guy. Always complaining about “running the country”. Hair has more color than his personality. Like a melted sadness candle. Can’t respect!

IVANKA: Vonks. Good daughter. Smart. Hot. Solid 10. Has my genes so can’t miss. Chromosomes!

OBAMA: Uggghhhhhhh. O’Bombs. Worst president ever. Nothing got done. Everything calm. Boring. Named himself after Obamacare. Bad decisions. Going to borrow half his ideas anyway. Should have trademarked them. Doesn’t think!

MELANIA: HOT. Solid 9. Would date but already married. To me. So can respect. Only good thing about immigration. Speaks six languages. Might be spy, but OK because hot. Can respect!

BLUMP: Don King. Black Trump. BLUMP. Self promoter with wild hair and questionable ethics. Use as decoy or emergency advice. Can respect!

CLINTON: Uggghhhhhhh. Just the worst. Used to be friends until wanted something I wanted. So not friends now. Corrupt. I should know. Might be female politician, most likely evil intergalactic space pope or something. Something something Benghazi. Bill good guy. Likes the broads. Can respect!