2/12/2018 – Kim Yo Jong

TILLERSON: So if we keep the budget for NASA within last year’s standards the agency may be able to-

TRUMP: Cut it.

TILLERSON: -and now we’re grounded from the heavens. 

TRUMP: Space. Too dangerous for Americans. Have to watch out for those Klingons. Dangerous Jedis!

TILLERSON: I think I just heard the souls of a thousand nerds explode. 

TRUMP: That’s it? Got a game of PUBG to get back to. 

TILLERSON: All that’s left is the whole Kim Yo Jong situation. 

TRUMP: Too many calories. Will stick to General Tso’s chicken. That General Tso. Amazing guy. Brilliant military mind. Master chef. Chinese Renaissance man!

TILLERSON: No, sir. Kim Yo Jong is Kim Jong Un’s sister. She’s getting a lot of publicity at the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea.

TRUMP: Which event is she in? Figure skating, right? Those Asians, great figure skaters. Probably from the lack of breasts making them spin faster. Cultural aerodynamics! 

TILLERSON: Ah. Well. First of all…wow…second, she’s not competing in the Olympics, per se, unless you consider publicity an Olympic competition. 

TRUMP: Of course it is. Trump. World record holder in publicity. Won so many golds my hair changed the same color as the medals. Natural victory hue! So good. Trumplympics best lympics, believe me. 

TILLERSON: Very good sir. Unfortunately, Vice President Pence is also there and the international media is just eating her up. She’s quite attractive, and she makes look Pence look awful and awkward by comparison when they stand next to each other. 

TRUMP: Of course she does.  Pence makes anyone look good by comparison. That’s why he’s VP. He’s my ugly doppelganger. An uglyganger. Like a living Before photo. Relative attractiveness!  

TILLERSON: Apparently the mainstream media agrees with you, Mr. President. CNN just said Kim Yo Jong is stealing the Olympics.

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. Ok. First of all the Communist News Network is in love with North Korea? Shocker. Two. She probably has some PR role in the government related to what she’s doing. What’s hers? 

TILLERSON: She’s the Director of the Propaganda and Agitation Department. That’s impressive sir! How did you-

IVANKA: Hey Dad. 

TRUMP: What’s up, Vonks?

IVANKA: Can I borrow Air Force One? 

TRUMP: Keys are under my book of Pence jokes. Volume 3. 

IVANKA: Thanks. I’m picking up some hats in Prague. 

TRUMP: Back before 10! 




TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Oh, um, nothing. We just need some sort of diplomatic response to counter her good press.

TRUMP: Send the Ho. 

TILLERSON: I…don’t think that sending some trollops to-

TRUMP: UGGGHHH. You. Such an idiot. Practically Pencean. Ji Seong-Ho. The crutch guy from my State of the Union talk. Guy limped his away across China and Southeast Asia on a single crutch to freedom. Send him as a guest to the Olympics. Get him near the sister. Make her look bad by comparison. Show the liberal media how awful and hypocritical the North Koreans really are. Mirror of reality! 

TILLERSON: That’s…quite ingenious sir.  

TRUMP: Lib media needs to see that freedom can’t be contained by a single despotic family oppressing the rights of a single nation and all its people. 

DON JR: Hey pops!

TRUMP: You. Junior. What do you need?

DON JR: Me and the guys are throwing a party. Can I borrow Florida? 

TRUMP: Sure. Don’t break it, and clean it up when you’re done with it. 

DON JR: Florida? Come on Pops.

TRUMP: Good point. Orlando. Hopeless case. Try some bleach. 

DON JR: Thanks Pops!




TRUMP: What? 

TILLERSON: Got any more of that bleach? I need a drink. 


2/9/2018 – Bread and Circuses

PENCE: Mr. President, I have some terrible news!

TRUMP: You looked in a mirror?

PENCE: *Sigh* The government is shutting down again. 

TRUMP: Ungood. Can’t happen. This calls for decisive action. Expedient reply!

PENCE: Well I’m happy to hear you’re going to compromise somewhat on your DACA stance to-

TRUMP: Military parade. 


TRUMP: Boom. 


TRUMP: But not real boom. Parade boom. Marching drums!  

PENCE: I…don’t underst-

TRUMP: Bread and Circuses. 

PENCE: Is this some sort of new investment sir? Or am I-

TRUMP: UGGGHHHHHH. You. Need to reread your history of the Roman Empire. 

PENCE: Ah. This is one of your broken clock being right twice a day moments where you’re uncharacteristically brilliant. 

TRUMP: During the Late Empire period around the Third Century Crisis, the Flavian Amphitheatre – or as you know it in your barbaric Visigoth foolspeak, “the Colosseum” – was increasingly used as a distraction and military PR device to move attention away from the failing Roman Imperium.  The worse the decline, the more spectacular the events. We need that here. Military parade!

PENCE: Or…we could, you know, actually fix the-

TRUMP: Start with troops. Marching in formation. Regular marching though. None of that high kicking tae kwon do Nazi goose stepping. Too close to despotism. Can’t have!

PENCE: Aaand we’re back. 

TRUMP: Then the tanks. The big ones. The ones that help you digest when they rumble by. Gastrointestinal support!

PENCE: Just…going to stop talking now. 

TRUMP: Then the missiles. Big massive, erect ones. Impressive. Manly. Inferior to the ol’ Trumpedo of course, but still can destroy things for freedom. Collateral damage!

PENCE: Perhaps a much cheaper alternative, like talking about the Olympics or-

TRUMP: Jets flying in formation overhead. Multi-leveled marketing!


TRUMP: But actual jets. Not loser football Jets. Rebuilding year! 

PENCE: We are not the Roman Empire!

TRUMP: Really? We’re not a collapsing republic that worships gladiator combat while the middle class migrates to patrician and plebeian class structures that lead to uncompromising lack of political compromise between two political classes, the aristocratic Optimates and commoner Populares, thus paving the way for an authoritarian despot who favors increasing use of the military in foreign wars?



PENCE: Wow. 

TRUMP: Watched American Gladiators last night. 80s show. That Nitro. Could probably be a real gladiator. Fighting Gauls on steroids!

PENCE: I’m just kind of shocked you actually acknowledged that you are an authoritarian de-

TRUMP: Talking about Clinton. Almost got elected. Would have led to barbarian invasion. Talking about Mexicans. Crisis averted! 

PENCE: So to bring us back to…whatever this is…I guess instead of circumventing the government shutdown you want me to plan a-IS THAT A DOLLAR???

TRUMP:  What? Where?

PENCE: Sorry sir, just a picture of President Washington. I got confused.

TRUMP: You. So easily distracted. Disgraceful. 

PENCE: Won’t happen again sir. 

TRUMP: What were we talking about?

PENCE: …how much you hate my hair. 

TRUMP: Good reason. Like a bleached loser. Devoid of pigment. It’s like your testosterone escaped through your scalp. Frosty loser!

PENCE: *Sigh*…crisis averted.  

2/6/2018 – Ham hocks

PENCE: Mr. President, Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin is here.

TRUMP: That guy. Needs a vowel in that last name. Too cheap. Sale on consonants!

MNUCHIN: Good afternoon Mr. President I-

TRUMP: First off. Your last name. Mnuchin. Sounds like something frathouse guys do on a dare. 

MNUCHIN: I…don’t think I quite follow your-

TRUMP: Chad from Alpha Beta Omega turns to Rod and says “Hey Rod, let’s get Bull to do a full Mnuchin! While drunk! We’ll be college legends!”

MNUCHIN: So…last name applications aside, I’m not certain I underst-

TRUMP: Dow. 

MNUCHIN: Yes sir. The Dow. 

TRUMP: Yup. 





MNUCHIN: I’m sorry, is there a question here or-

TRUMP: Need you tell me what it is. 

MNUCHIN: Ha! Good one! You got me there Mr. Preside…


MNUCHIN: Oh. Oh God. Um. Wow. Ok. You see the, the um, Dow is, is um, it’s like…Ok. There’s stocks, and…

TRUMP: This guy. Thinking I’m that clueless. Already know what the Dow is. Trump billionaire. So good. Lives the Dow. Trump stocks best stocks believe me. Blue chip President!

MNUCHIN: Oh thank heavens! For a minute I-

TRUMP: Want you to tell me why the Dow dipped over a thousand points yesterday. Trump presidency means the market going up all the time. You. Need to make that happen. So go treasurize or something. Boom. Money magic!

MNUCHIN: Wow. Ok. Well first of all the Dow is going to fluctuate no matter what. I mean given the historic rise upwards over the past twelve months it’s inevitable that you’re going to have a historic correction as the market level sets on concerns of inflation. 




MNUCHIN: *Sigh*…stocks are a bumpy roller coaster ride, sir. 

TRUMP: Boom. Got it. But the whole Trump economy message has been “stocks good, so Trump good. Therefore best president ever. Trump market!”

MNUCHIN: Actually, sir, if you wanted a stronger economic message it would be that rises in wages are the true measure of economic success, not the Dow. 

TRUMP: Wages. 

MNUCHIN: Yes sir. Wages. 






MNUCHIN: It’s…what you pay people for their work. 

TRUMP: Whoa. Hold on there Your Majesty. Pay people? As in money? The hell are you talking about?  

PENCE: Actually, sir, a wage is a sort of, um, financial compensation for an individual in your employ giving their time and effort to-

TRUMP: Wait, you ham hocks are getting PAID to be here? 

PENCE: In a sense. 

MNUCHIN: You could say that sir.

TRUMP: No. Can’t say it. Cause can’t believe it. How is it you ham hocks are getting money and this is all we have to show for all your work right now?

PENCE: Well, I thought during your State of the Union you seemed pleased with all the success so far.

MNUCHIN: You pointed out the economic progress in particular when-

TRUMP: UGGGGHHHHH. That was all me. Trump responsible for success around here. When things go bad, it’s because you ham hocks get in the way. Successful impediments!

PENCE: I…*sigh*…sorry, sir.

MNUCHIN: We’ll…go work on the Dow.

TRUMP: Don’t go back until all the numbers go up. Trumping upwards!

PENCE: So…how are you going to tell him you fixed the Dow?

MNUCHIN: Easy. I’m just going to wait until the market corrects itself and then I’ll come back and tell him it’s all better now. 

PENCE: Do you think that’ll work? 

MNUCHIN: You mean will it work on the guy who’s been brain locked on the word “ham hock” all day?

PENCE: Good point. 

TRUMP: Hey you two! Get me lunch. I’m thinking…maybe…

PENCE: Ham hocks sir? 

TRUMP: You. Pence. Must be a mind reader. None of that hair pigment getting in the way of the brainwaves. Psychic follicles! Ham hock sandwich is perfect. Delicious hocks of ham!

MNUCHIN: While I’m at it, I’ll tell him I fixed the NASDAQ too. After I explain to him a NASDAQ is not a small troll living in his shoes.

2/2/2018 – Killer Robots

PENCE: Mr. President allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your State of the Union address! 

DeVOS: So inspirational!

TILLERSON: A…surprisingly well-delivered speech sir. 

TRUMP: Doesn’t make sense. So confusing.

PENCE: Actually I thought the speechwriters gave a clear draft to-

TRUMP: Not that, snow for brains. Only half the room stood up for applause. Applause for Trump speeches. Makes sense. Trump. Natural orator. Gifted with word talk. Speak good! 

DEVOS: You’re a natural!

TILLERSON: If I may, what exactly is it that’s so confusing? 

TRUMP: Only Republicans stood. Democrats just sat there. For everything. President Trump walks in. They’re sitting. Talk about job creation and higher wages. Sitting! Mentioned job growth and employee bonuses. Butts still on seats!

PENCE: Disgraceful. 

TRUMP: Proposed merit based immigration. Same program that O’Bombs and Man Clinton proposed a couple years back. Sitting! Recognizing Jerusalem as Israel’s capital. The same Jewish proposal they all approved a while ago. Sitting! Stressed need to fight abuse of opioids. They’re fighting standing! 

DeVOS: So disgraceful, sir!

TILLERSON: The American people will recognize the slight, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: Lowering drug cost. Nothing. Lowest black unemployment since 1972, when blacks first came to America. Zero! Not even the black politicians! What, those people don’t like jobs? 

PENCE: You see, sir, I don’t think that calling your African American colleagues those people would-

TRUMP: Didn’t even stand for in God we trust . Not even standing for the flag and the anthem. Horrible. Just the worst, believe me.

TILLERSON: Truly, they are evil, soulless beings. 









DeVOS: I mean…*cough*!

TRUMP: Got a point. Democrats. Lack empathy. Didn’t even stand when I brought out those families with the kids killed by the robots. 

PENCE: Excuse me sir, but I don’t-

TRUMP: MS-13. Mexican killer robots. Committing crimes and murders across the country. Cybernetic warfare!

PENCE: Actually sir I don’t-

TILLERSON: No no. I want to hear this. 

TRUMP: Probably have laser eyes and make tacos at the same time. Do landscaping work while running attack protocols. Can’t be trusted! 

DeVOS: We need a wall sir!

TRUMP: Might have to add tomahawk missiles to wall. Those MS-13 robots. Probably can just jump over the wall with their metallic piston legs. Hombres metálicos de la muerte!

PENCE: Mr. President, I have to correct-

TILLERSON: We’ll write the counteroffensive missiles for the Mexican attack robots into the military’s 2018 budget, sir.

PENCE: Wait, what? 

DeVOS: That’ll teach ’em!

TRUMP: Feel better. But not totally better. Can’t understand why Dems didn’t stand up for all of those amazing things. It’s almost like they just don’t like me or something. Unpossible!








TRUMP: What? 

PENCE: Oh, nothing. 

DeVOS: Nothing at all. 

TILLERSON: I’ll just go and…prepare that updated budget. 

TRUMP: Add in a line about a billion dollar contract to Cyberdyne Systems. Heard they make great killer robots. Could use!

PENCE: That’s not a-

TILLERSON: Problem. That’s not a problem sir. 

PENCE: Hey, Rex? Over here…are you…I don’t know…figuring out a way to pocket a billion dollars?

TILLERSON: Are you figuring out a way to tell him that Mexicans aren’t robotic housecleaner assassins? 




PENCE: Good point. 

TRUMP: Hey Tillerson. Better make it two billion. Mexico’s probably working on an MS-14 right now. Ay caramba! 

1/29/2018 – Hot Jew

PENCE: There there sir. 

TRUMP: Can’t believe this. Just the worst. Unfair. Not happy!

PENCE: They don’t know what they’re doing. 

TRUMP: Liberal bias. Never more obvious. Worse than George Takei!

TILLERSON: What’s going on here? Something I can help with Mr. President? 

TRUMP: You. Only way you could be more useless is to name yourself Pence. Consoling. So bad. Like a failed wet blanket. Awful!

PENCE: The President is just upset about the latest slight against him. 

TRUMP: Diplomatic nightmare!

TILLERSON: Is it North Korea sir? I’m certain the international community will understand that Kim-

TRUMP: Not Kim Jung Un. Beneath my notice. UnTrumpworthy!

TILLERSON: Oh. Well then it has to be ISIS and the Middle East. Might I recommend a cleansing surgical strike on their-

TRUMP: Not ISIS. Definitely wouldn’t mind a surgical strike. In the mood for drones blowing things up. Good times, but won’t restore Trump honor. Trump honor best honor, believe me. 


TRUMP: Have no connections with Poots. Totally don’t play League of Legends with him on Friday nights. Unfounded rumors, even if true!

PENCE: We…really need to work on that reply, Mr. President. 

TRUMP: You. Less talking more consoling. 

PENCE: *sigh* …There there.

TILLERSON: I’m not certain I’m tracking here, sir. What happened that has you at such a loss?

TRUMP: Trump never at loss. Just temporarily not winning. Grammys. Just the worst. Public embarrassment. Can’t be undone!

PENCE: They have no idea what they’re doing, Mr. President. 

TILLERSON:  So some spoiled musicians and celebrities used an awards show to criticize you? I don’t understand sir, you’ve dealt with much worse before at the Oscars, the Emmys, the People’s Choice Awards…

TRUMP: Not the same.

TILLERSON: …the Critic’s Choice Awards, the SAG awards, BAFTA, the ESPYs…

TRUMP: This time different.

TILLERSON:  …the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, the Nobel Prize Committee, the Westminster Dog Show, Wrestlemania…

TRUMP: Who wants to visit shithole Haiti on an extended diplomatic fact finding mission? 

TILLERSON: …shutting up sir. 

PENCE: It’s not like that, Rex. He’s mad at the Grammys because he…didn’t win. 

TRUMP: Was a shoe in. Like, the whole shoe. Can’t miss. But did. Biased Grammys!

TILLERSON: Didn’t win what? 

PENCE: …Best Spoken Tweet. 

TRUMP: Can’t believe I lost to Sarah Silverman. Hot Jew broad. Funny comedian, even though she’s a woman. Solid 8. Would date, even after she criticized me. Then dump. Trump gets last laugh! 

TILLERSON: Best. Spoken. Tweet. 

PENCE: …yup. 

TRUMP: So many nominations. My DACA one for Best Latino Tweet. My Time Person of the Year for Best Classic Tweet. My Transgender one for Best Female and Male Tweet. Rocket Man for Diplomatic Tweet. Can’t lose for Rocket Man with Rocket Man in the audience. Disgraceful!

TILLERSON: Wait, Kim Jung Un was in the audience? 

TRUMP: No. Elton John. Keep up. Ugh. You. So clueless. Borderline Pence. Can’t abide!

TILLERSON: And you lost to…Sarah Silverman. 

TRUMP: A hot unfunny Jew! Doubly can’t abide! Unabidable!

TILLERSON: Riiight….um, Pence, can I talk to you? Over here?

PENCE: Be right back sir. 

TRUMP Hurry back. Need my verbal punching bag.



TILLERSON: Do I even have to remind you that there is no Spoken Tweet Award at the Grammys? 

PENCE: Do I need to remind you that right now he’s not doing anything asinine? 







TILLERSON: Is this the part of the job where you remind me that you no longer have a soul? 

PENCE: Can you blame me, doing this for a living?

TRUMP: Lost! To a hot Jew!



TILLERSON: …*sigh* not really. 

TRUMP: You. Pence. Take a note. New award. Popularity contest. Bunch of nominees. Only Trump wins. HUUUGE awards show. People talking about it for years. Give big speech. Victorious Trump!

TILLERSON: I believe that’s called the election. 

TRUMP: What’s that? 

PENCE: Nothing sir! We’ll get to work on it!

TRUMP: I’m thinking we call it the Trumpies. It’s got a ring to it. 

TILLERSON: In his case it’s probably Taco Bell. 

PENCE: Come on Rex, that’s unfair. 

TILLERSON: You’re right. Too Mexican.

TRUMP: Hot Jew!

1/24/2018 – Dockers

PENCE: Mr. President, Senator Chuck Schumer is here to address the government shutdown.

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: He’s…not alone. 

TRUMP: Cameras? How many? 

PENCE: It looks like all of them. 

TRUMP: Uggghhh. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a diva who needs to be the center of attention on TV all of the time. 




TRUMP: What? 

PENCE: Oh, uh, nothing. I’ll just go get him-

SCHUMER: *Camera one, on Schumer, dramatic entry music, role intro credits* No need, Vice President Pence *tight shot, camera 2, panorama shot* Senator Chuck Schumer is already here *Lower third, run Chuck Schumer under profile, Camera three on Trump, unfiltered*

TRUMP: You. Chuck. Never met a camera he didn’t like. Can respect. But Trump only needs one camera. The winning shot. You. Schumer. All angles of failure. Loser cinematography!

SCHUMER: Not this time, Mr. President! *pan up, pan up* The government is going to stay shut down until you agree to support DACA. Feel the power of the Democratic party!  *Drone aerial shot, edit out Pence, cue dramatic confrontation music*

TRUMP: Nope. Not budging on DACA. Can’t support useless beige slacks. 

PENCE: Those are Dockers, sir. I believe the GAP-

TRUMP: Shut up Pence. 

PENCE: Shutting up sir. 

SCHUMER: *Cue laugh track*

TRUMP: So what’s it going to be Schumer? 

SCHUMER: *Camera one, on me, on me* Well, Mr. President, if you won’t support DACA *Camera one pull in*…I guess we have no choice *camera one, tight shot*…but to head towards…a government shutdown! *Cue dramatic score*

TRUMP: You. Shutting down the entire government. Military. Not getting paid. Thousands of US employees losing money. HUUUGE number of services disrupted because you want to keep some illegal browns here to make Democratic baby voters.

SCHUMER: Correct, Mr. President, and we’re blaming you and we’re not backing down until you agree to our terms! *Cue Schumer heroic theme song*








SCHUMER: Ok you win. *Cue fail horn*

TRUMP: You. So wishy washy. Make Pence look like he has a spine.

PENCE: Thank you sir! 

TRUMP: Shut up Pence. 

SCHUMER: *Drone shot, long distance shot, edit out my flop sweat* Can we at least blame you?


SCHUMER: Wow, you’re a tough negotiator. It’s like arguing with Jello!

TRUMP: Boom. Makes sense. Just gave me an idea. Need photo op with Jello guy Bill Cosby. Universally loved comedian. Great PR move!

PENCE: Actually sir, I don’t think he’s-

TRUMP: Shut up Pence.

SCHUMER: *Cue laugh track, roll credits* 

1/22/2018 – Downward Hippo

TRUMP: You. Not Pence guy. Where’s Pence?

TILLERSON: You sent him to Israel sir on a diplomatic mission.

TRUMP: We like the Jews now?




TRUMP: Boom. Got it. Guess I’ll ask you then…



TILLERSON: US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

TRUMP: Knew that. Just testing you. What’s all this talk about the government shutting down? 

TILLERSON: It’s true, Mr. President. The government’s closed down. Nothing we can do about it. 

DeVOS: It’s those Democrats, sir! They’re refusing to cooperate until the Republicans agree to pass DACA for the Dreamers. 

TRUMP:  So we’re shut down because the Democrats want to hear Dancing Queen on the radio before bedtime? 

TILLERSON: That’s Abba, sir. They’re from Sweden. 

TRUMP: Sweden. Great country. Lots of tall hot blondes. Totally unlike that shithole Norway. Completely different!

DeVOS: Mr. President, you’re not going to budge on DACA are you? 

TRUMP: That kid can get around with Boots and her map just fine. Doesn’t need our help. Self reliant!

TILLERSON: I believe that’s Dora. 

DeVOS: The Explorer. 

TRUMP: The brown Hispanic kid with the parents that let her run around in the jungle?

TILLERSON: Yes sir. 

DeVOS: Boots is her monkey. 




TRUMP: So how come the Democrats-

TILLERSON: They did not shut the government down because of Dora, sir!

DeVOS: Mr. President, DACA is the the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program that would protect young migrants known as “Dreamers” from being sent back to their country of origin. Democrats want to stop you from sending them back. 

TRUMP: So what they’re doing is they’re allowing the Democrats to play hero with foreign born illegal immigrants by preventing their legal and justified deportation by financially strangling millions of government employees including the military and VA hospitals all in an overt effort to build up a generational future voting block while touting the ethnic diversity rhetoric? 

TILLERSON: What the-

DeVOS: That’s one assumption Mr. President. 

TRUMP: We need to send a clear message that resistance to DACA is not hatred towards migrant children. Rather, it is a demonstration to the prioritization of support of both US born citizens as well as those immigrants who entered and naturalized through lawful means. We don’t lock the doors to our home because we hate our neighbors, we do it because we love the residents in our home and want to provide security for them first.

TILLERSON: How the hell did he-

DeVOS: Broken record syndrome. He’s brilliant twice a day. Followed by-

TRUMP: Heard that on Twitter. Twitter. So good. Too many fat girls doing yoga, but have take the good with the bad. Downward Hippo. Can’t respect!  

DeVOS: -followed by that. 


TRUMP: Tried ending the shutdown yesterday anyway. Made some calls. But the cow kept saying Moo. Tough negotiator!