PENCE: Mr. President, the American hostages you freed from North Korea are here.

TRUMP: So good. Hostages freed. Media has no excuse now. Will totally love me now. Nothing to hate!

PENCE: …sure. Anyway, Secretary of State Pompeo is bringing them in. 

POMPEO: Mr. President, may I present to you former hostages Tony Kim, Kim Hak-Song, and Kim Dong-Chul.

TRUMP: Good to meet you all. So good. Just the best. But don’t need suits dry cleaned. Have White House staff. Pressed and dried!

PENCE: Oh Dear Lord. Sir, these are not your dry cleaners. 

POMPEO: These are the hostages, Mr. President. 

KIM: An honor, Mr. President.

HAK-SONG: Thank you so much, sir!

DONG-CHUL: What’s going on?

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP: You. Pompeo. Over here. Other you. White guy. Forgot your name. 

PENCE: Mike Pence. I’ve been your Vice President for-

TRUMP: Not important. More important. Who are these guys? 

POMPEO: As I said, they’re the hostages, sir. 

PENCE: The ones you convinced Kim Jong-Un to release. 

TRUMP: Can’t be. Look at them. Must be decoys. 

POMPEO: I…don’t understand.

PENCE: How can they be decoys? 

TRUMP: Look at them. They’re not-

PENCE: *Sigh* Let me guess: not white? 

TRUMP: Well compared to you everything is not white. Anti-melanin!

POMPEO: Mr. President, just because they’re not Caucasian doesn’t mean they’re not real Americans. 

TRUMP: Listen to you. Now which one of us makes no sense? 

POMPEO: Well I thi-

TRUMP: I can make this hostage release a hostage trade. 

POMPEO: Shutting up, sir. 

KIM: Pardon me, but is everything ok? 

HAK-SONG: Are we in trouble? 

TRUMP: Not yet. 

DONG-CHUL: No really what’s going on here? Are we on an episode of The Apprentice? Why is Donald Trump meeting us? Is this some sort of photo op before we meet the President? 

PENCE: He’s the President. 

TRUMP: Greatest President. 

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP: So good. Just the best, believe me. 

DONG-CHUL: Oh come on. I know I’ve been imprisoned since 2015 but I’m not THAT out of it. They would never let this nutjob lead America!

TRUMP: Boom. Exhibit A. Not Americans. Only real Americans love Trump. True patriotism!

POMPEO: Mr. President! These are American citizens!

PENCE: They’re as American as you and I, I assure you!

KIM: Actually I’m from South Korea.

HAK-SONG: I’m Chinese. Came to America in the 90s.

DONG-CHUL: I lived in a Chinese city near the border of North Korea. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: Send them back. 

POMPEO: We…can’t do that sir. 

PENCE: We really shouldn’t start breaking deals.

TRUMP: You. Must be new here. These two thumbs. Pointing to this guy. The guy who broke Iran deal. Iran. No Nukes! Korea. No Goo-

PENCE: DON’T SAY IT.

TRUMP: What? No Goons. Can’t send us decoys. Makes us look bad. Like total goons. Worse than Pence!

POMPEO: What if we…kept them here as…American hostages?

PENCE: Yes. YES. That’ll show Korea, Mr. President. How much of a…gracious President you are! 

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  Trump. So gracious. Just the best. Acceptable hostages. 

DONG-CHUL: Are you sure he’s the President? 

PENCE: I literally have no idea. 

PENCE: Mr. President, the President of Nigeria Muhammadu Buhari is here. 

TRUMP: You’re kidding. 

PENCE: I’m not sir. He’s just outside the-

TRUMP: Not that. Nigeria. They actually named a country after-

PENCE: YES sir. The country is named after the Niger river. 

TRUMP: You. Totally avoiding awkward conversation. So sad. 

PENCE: Shall I send in President Buhari? Just a quick reminder, he speaks English fluently so there’s no need to-

TRUMP: Ugghh. You. So ignorant. Already speak Nigerish. All dialects!

PENCE: Whelp, this isn’t going to end well no matter what I do, so I’ll just dive behind the sofa when the diplomatic grenade explodes. 

TRUMP: I stopped the Korean War. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy. 

PENCE: Here he is, sir. 

BUHARI: Good afternoon Mr. President! Allow me to say it is a tremendous honor to meet-

TRUMP: NI! HAO! PRESIDENT! MOGADISHU! BUKKAKE!

PENCE: Well that has to be a new record. 

BUHARI: Ah. I see. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe told me of your renowned silver tongue. I expect this will be quite the experience. 

TRUMP: NIGERIA! SUCH! A! GREAT! COUNTRY! NOT! LIKE! THOSE! SHITHOLE! COUNTRIES! IN! AFRICA!

BUHARI: Yes, we are proud of our economic growth and dedication to education. But perhaps-

TRUMP: OK! SMALL! TALK! DONE! NOW! COMES! HARDBALL! DEALING! WE! GIVE! YOU! GUNS! AND! AMERICAN! CULTURE! YOU! GIVE! US! VIBRANIUM!

BUHARI: I’m afraid I don’t understand your request for-

TRUMP: NEED! VIBRANIUM! TO! MAKE! SUPER! SUIT! TRUMP! SUIT! SO! GOOD! THE! BEST! BELIEVE! ME! BUT! TRUMP! VIBRANIUM! SUIT! ULTIMATE! WEAPON! SO! CLASSY!

PENCE: Mr. President, I…think President Buhari may need some clarification on-

BUHARI: Ah. I believe I understand. I apologize for the misunderstanding, President Trump, but unfortunately, I am the president of Nigeria, not Wakanda. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

BUHARI: Wakanda, you see, is a fictional place. It does not actually exist. Nigeria is an actual country where I lead the All Progressives Congress party. Our primary export is crude oil, not vibranium which, like Wakanda, also does not exist.  

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

BUHARI: Our country lies on the Coast of Guinea. 

TRUMP: DON’T! CARE! HOW! CLOSE! YOU! ARE! TO! ITALY! 

BUHARI: I also regret to tell you that I don’t possess a magical panther suit. 

TRUMP: OK! ONE! MOMENT! PRESIDENT! MAHJONG! You. Pence. Quick question. Why am I speaking to President Jumanji here-

BUHARI: -I can understand every word you are saying-

TRUMP: -when this guy can’t even get me some vibranium? I don’t even think he’s really from Wakanda. Look, no plates in the lips. He’s not even doing that clicking thing when he talks. Total fraud!

BUHARI: On that note, I believe I will take my leave. I would like to say it has been a pleasure to meet you, but I am sworn to my personal honesty. 

TRUMP: WAIT! BEFORE! YOU! GO! LET! US! HELP! YOU! FIGHT! THANOS! CAN! MOCK! TWEET! HIM! INTO! GIVING! YOU! INFINITY! STONES! TRUMP! DIPLOMACY! BEST! DIPLOMACY! 

PENCE: Thank you for your time, President Buhari. I will send you our standard Diplomatic Apology Package. 

TRUMP: Send them the cheap stuff. Trinkets, old T-shirts, cigarettes. Like gold to shithole country. Art of the deal!

PENCE: Again, I apologize, Mr. President. 

BUHARI: Don’t be troubled, Michael. In fact, I believe I will be able to send your President some vibranium. 

PENCE: It’s not going to be an elephant turd in a box is it?

BUHARI: No. 

PENCE:

BUHARI:

 PENCE:

BUHARI: Yes. 

PENCE: So once again, congratulations, Mike, on your Senate confirmation for Secretary of State!

POMPEO: Thanks, Michael! I’ll see what I can do to bring some normalcy to what I understand has been a rather…unorthodox presidency to date. 

PENCE: It’s been…interesting. But hopefully now the President having two Mikes on his staff will be the craziest thing that happens going forward. 

POMPEO: Come on, it hasn’t been that nutty around here has it? 

KANYE: ‘sup? 

PENCE:

POMPEO:

KANYE: 

PENCE:

POMPEO:

KANYE: 

PENCE: Hello there Kanye West.

POMPEO: Wait, what the heck are you doing here? 

TRUMP: I live here.

POMPEO: Gah!

PENCE: Good day, sir. 

TRUMP: Uggghh. “Gah.” Just so weak. Been spending too much time with Pence? Is this a Mike thing? Two Mikes. Not good. Note to Trump: You’re amazing. Second note to Trump: No more Mikes.  

PENCE: I believe, sir, we’re  just a little confused as to why Mr. West is here in the Oval Office. I’m not surprised, but definitely a little confused.

TRUMP: You. So wrong. Mr. West. Not his name. Call him Yeezus. Like Jesus but with a Y, like if a Mexican was saying it. Need grammar wall!

KANYE: I get emotional over fonts. 

POMPEO: Is this the norm around here? 

TRUMP: You. So new. No idea what’s ahead. Taco bowl of surprises!

PENCE: You’ll get used to this Mike. 

POMPEO: Will I?

PENCE: …no. 

KANYE: Oranges are proof that wizards are real.

TRUMP: This guy. My new best friend. Makes total sense. Finally. Someone who gets me, right Yeezus? 

KANYE: Fur pillows cure all cancers. I’m a cultural meteor!

PENCE: I think we’re just a little confused by this sudden and spontaneous  friendship. 

TRUMP: You. So dense. It’s a mutually beneficial semi-professional relationship. Trump liking Kanye means I gain legitimacy with the African American community voter bloc and I’m redefined as someone who is in tune with and supported by key figures of the cultural zeitgeist, while Kanye continues to maintain relevance by building his brand as a cultural disruptor who demonstrates his individuality by swimming against both societal and racial norms. 

POMPEO: …wow. How did he- 

PENCE: Oh, that’s his broken clock. He’s spontaneously lucid twice a day. It’s usually followed by-

TRUMP: Plus he’s married to Kim Kardashian. Kim. So gorgeous. Just amazing. Enormous rear. Could build a golf resort on that. Already has sand traps. Natural topography! 

PENCE: That. It’s followed by that. 

KANYE: I am a living planet populated by angels. Spam is ambrosia.

TRUMP: Yeezus. So good. Shame about what he is though. Would never usually hang out with his type. 

POMPEO: Whoa! Hold it right there, sir! That’s not appropriate!

PENCE: I thought we talked about this!

TRUMP: Can’t help it. Hate these people. Reality stars. Just the worst. Can’t stand!

POMPEO: …Oh. OH! Oh! Ok. Phew!

PENCE: That’s a relief!

KANYE: Aristotle. 

TRUMP: If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people who have to do everything they can to get attention on TV with no talent or appeal whatsoever. 

 POMPEO: 

PENCE: 

KANYE:  

TRUMP:  

POMPEO: 

PENCE: 

KANYE:  

TRUMP: What? 

KANYE: Jedis are the devil. 

TRUMP: This guy. So original. Definitely not a Mike. Classic Yeezy!  

TRUMP: You. Caucasian flunkie. Read that back to me. 

PENCE: *sigh* ok…”Biden. You. Wimp. Big mouth. Can respect. Weak old man. Can’t respect. Will go down hard and fast. Tomorrow. Behind the bleachers. Let’s finish this. Boom.”

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: Are you…sure you want me to send this to Mr. Biden sir? It seems so…so…

TRUMP: Manly. I know. Naturally. Trump too much man for Biden. Don’t want to hurt him but a threat’s a threat. Have to counter threat. Take care of things. Nip in the bud! 

PENCE: I…just don’t think your fighting Joe Biden is a proper response to-

TRUMP: Not fighting him. 

PENCE: But your message-

TRUMP: Just says to meet behind the bleachers. He shows up, Seal Team Six roughs him up a bit, I issue warning, problem solved. So good. Just the best. Puglistic education!

PENCE: I used to fight you on this stuff, but I’m just going to nod passively and say “Right away, Mr. President.”

TRUMP: Uggghhh. You. So passive. Like a workaholic quarterback. Always passing. Not even a good quarterback like Joe Montana or my best friend Tom Brady. More like an albino Geno Smith. Nothing but passes and interceptions. Need someone to break your jaw. No defense!

PENCE: Speaking of wisdom sir, National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster is here as requested. 

TRUMP: You. Awful segue. Need a distraction from the concept of you. Bring him in. 

McMASTER: Good afternoon Mr. Preside-

TRUMP: You’re fired. 

PENCE: And here we go. 

McMASTER: I’m ok with this. 

PENCE: Wait, what? 

McMASTER: Gotta admit, I kind of expected it. Hey I’m shocked I lasted as long as I have. 

TRUMP: Good man. Smart. Looks ahead. That’s why I hired you. Still fired though. 

PENCE: Mr. President, this doesn’t make sense! Why are you-

McMASTER: Can I take a guess, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: In the words of the NRA, shoot. But safely and only after extensive training.

McMASTER: I was going to say you’re uncomfortable with my approach to a more stable foreign policy approach, or how you and I never aligned professionally, but gun to my head-

TRUMP: Only do the gun thing with Pence. 

PENCE:  The President means well when he does that. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

McMASTER: Well, gun to my head, I’m going to guess you want me to leave because my last name is McMaster, which you think is a threat to being considered a master, unlike you who is “totally a master, the best master, believe me, so good.”

TRUMP: Boom. 

McMASTER: Boom indeed sir. 

TRUMP: But only a half-boom. 

 McMASTER: Wow. Ok, I thought that was it. 

TRUMP: There’s your weakness. Trump. Never ending pit of reasons. No bottom. 

PENCE: Did you really mean to describe yourself as a dark bottomless pit, sir? 

TRUMP: Yup. Filled with reasons. Firing McMaster here for a couple more. 

McMASTER: I admit I’m curious. 

TRUMP: Right on first part. Last name. Master. Can’t have that around here with Trumpmaster around. People may get confused. Can’t have! But there’s more. Not just Master but McMaster. Sounds like a perfect burger from the golden arches. But not burger. Just old guy. Big let down!

McMASTER: If it would have helped to bring you a Big Mac from time to time I could have-

TRUMP: Already have Pence for that. Also. You. Bald. No hair. So awful. Even Pence here, so weak. So Geno Smith passive. But has hair. Even useless white failure hair better than no hair. Can’t abide!

McMASTER: Got it. You’re an anti-scalp-ite. Any other-

TRUMP: First name HR. You’re an initial guy. Man of mystery. Those two letters could stand for anything. High roller. Human resources. Hungry rhinoceros.  

McMASTER: It’s Herbert Raymond, sir. 

TRUMP: Howitzer robot. Hilarious Ringo. Hippo ripper. 

McMASTER: How long is he going to do this? 

PENCE: Let’s just say he once spent one weekend trying to say Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Horatio Reebok. Hippie retard. Hungarian racist. Horny rump! 

TRUMP: So to recap. Sharks with lasers. Must recruit for Space Force. Can’t let Galactic Nazis control Venus. Sacred planet!

MATTIS: WILL DO SIR! U.S. SPACE MARINES WILL DOMINATE THE STARS! OORAH!!!

TRUMP: Gesundheit 

PENCE: Mr. President! I have some important news about-

MATTIS: PLEASE LET ME KILL THIS ALBINO PANSY BOY SIR!

PENCE: Eeep!

TRUMP: Ugggh. You. Pence. Eeep! Can’t even do terror right. You. Mad Dog. Entertaining. Love your enthusiasm. Lots of “gusto” or whatever the right Swedish word is. Need Pence around. Makes me look better. Low bar!

PENCE: Whew!

TRUMP: Dismissed, Mattis. 

MATTIS: THIS AIN’T OVER PENCE!

PENCE: I literally have no idea why he hates me so much. 

TRUMP: You. Joking. Look at you. Just a big Ken doll of wrong. Like God sat down and said “How do I define wrong?” Then said “Bingo!” and made you. Prototype of awful!

PENCE: Well, sir, I have something you might find in the “right” category-

TRUMP: Uggh. Even your segues are awful. Talk. 

PENCE: There’s been another school shooting in Maryland!

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

PENCE: …boom? 

TRUMP: You. Unboom. Need more context. Go. 

PENCE: Ah. Well, a high school student just down a-ways in Maryland shot two other high school students. 

TRUMP: Awful tragedy. Just the worst. Guns. So awful. Shouldn’t have to be held by bad guys. Should be in the hands of good guys. Firearms need love too!

PENCE: Those two students were critically wounded-

TRUMP: Thoughts and prayers.

PENCE: Of course, but the shooter was shot and killed by an armed campus security guard!

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: Great news. So good. Not best news ever. Best news is Trump becoming President. Day that will live in infamy. Historic!

PENCE: I…don’t think infamy is the-

TRUMP: Listen to you. Captain of the SS Thesaurus here. Articulate dinosaur!

PENCE: Sure. Infamy is…correct. As you say sir. 

TRUMP: No time for talk. Teenage shooter killed. Great day. Need to take action!

PENCE: So when are you planning to visit the hospitals of those two injured students? I’ll make sure the press is-

TRUMP: Not talking about them. Already said thoughts and prayers. All better now. Need to tweet how Trump was right all along about getting guns in the hands of teachers. Trump guns, best guns, believe me. 

PENCE: I think I should point out, Mr. President, that while I agree with the presence of firearms in schools, this was a professionally trained security guard, not a teacher. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: So I think you know what that means.

TRUMP: Naturally. All security guards now teachers. 

PENCE: Wait, what? No! I meant-

TRUMP: Teachers. So dumb. Book smart but not street smart like Trump. Teachers. No guns. Security guards. Have guns. Therefore smart. Kids listen or else. Armed curriculum!

PENCE: I’m…going to go see if I can take General Mattis up on that offer to kill me now. 

TRUMP: Sure. Tell him to stop by when he’s done. Want to get that security guard on the Space Force. Only the Finest! 

PENCE: Mr. President your next sacrifice I mean Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is here. 

TRUMP: Bring him in. 

POMPEO: Already here sir. 

TRUMP: GAH! How did you do that? Amazing! 

POMPEO: I was the Director of the CIA, sir. My training included clandestine entry procedures.

PENCE: Now see here that pornographic language will not be tolerated in the Oval-   

TRUMP: Impressive stealth! Just not there but suddenly there. Like a Caucasian Ben Carson. 

CARSON: I’m here sir. 

TRUMP: Yow! Surrounded by incompetent ninjas! Hey Pompeii, you should get some of those chop-sockey guys in black. Budget increase! 

POMPEO: Actually, sir, the CIA already has an elite covert group of-

TRUMP: So. You. New Secretary. Not get me coffee secretary but manage everything while I take credit secretary. Job of a lifetime! 

PENCE: You can say that again sir!

TRUMP: Uggghhh! You. Pompernickel. Anything in those CIA folders about making Pence here disappear?

POMPEO: Bunker 7, Sublevel 3. Hallway B, Room 149, Filecabinet X-14, third drawer, Folder titled “Operation White Out”. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO:

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO: Kidding, sir. 

PENCE: Whew!

TRUMP: You. I like you. This guy. Joker! Not Trump level of comedy but still funnyish. Rib-splitter!

POMPEO: We have a few of those for aggressive interrogation.

CARSON: I also chuckled. 

TRUMP: Yikes! Hey Pompom, you should hire this guy! 

PENCE: He’s your Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, sir. 

TRUMP: Not a real job. Trump. Already built housing and developed urbans.  No work needed, just told others what to do. So good at that, believe me. Just the best. 

POMPEO: You wished to see me, Mr. President? 

TRUMP: Want a Space Force. 

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP: Force in space. Fight off aliens. With pew pew lasers. Military Jedis!

CARSON: The Jedis were technically not in the Republic Military although they did serve as valued generals. 

TRUMP: Now I wish you really would disappear. 

 POMPEO: Bunker 5, Sublevel 9. Hallway A, Room 135, Filecabinet G-19, bottom drawer, Folder titled “Surgical Malpractice”. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO:

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

POMPEO: Kidding, sir. 

TRUMP: This guy!

PENCE: A true jester of comedy, Mr. President!

CARSON: I did not chuckle that time. 

TRUMP: GEEZ! Carson. Just appears out of a cloak of boredom. Distractingly dull!

PENCE: Sir, Rex Tillerson is here. 

TILLERSON: Good morning Mr. President, I have the today’s breakdown of the-

TRUMP: You’re fired.

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TILLERSON: Heh. I’m sorry sir, I know you said “you’re tired” and that’s true I’m a but fatigued today but it sounded like-

TRUMP: You’re fired.

PENCE:

TILLERSON:

TRUMP: Boom.

PENCE:

TILLERSON: Is Mike the-

TRUMP: No. You. Rex. Done. Bye. Roll credits, take elevator down to lobby, get in car, give quick commentary, run next week’s preview. 

PENCE: You’re…not on The Apprentice sir.

TRUMP: I’m sitting in the big chair firing people left and right for being incompetent and failing to execute on any random idea that shoots into my head.  

PENCE: …Dear Lord you’re right. 

TRUMP: Boom again. 

TILLERSON: Uh, hey, back to me here!

TRUMP: Never back to you. Only back to me. Trump. GPS of this office. 

TILLERSON: WHY am I being fired? Is it my job performance?

TRUMP: No. You. Great job, even though you did awful job. 

TILLERSON: Personality conflict? 

TRUMP: No. You. Minimal personality. Barely enough to have a conflict. Still a better personality here than the Albino Crusader here, but not that. 

PENCE: A crusader! Thank you for the compliment, sir! 

TRUMP: Exhibit A. 

TILLERSON: I have to admit I’m at a loss here sir. Why are you letting me go?

TRUMP: You. First name Rex. Just found out that means “king”. Thought it meant dog, like “Come here Rex!” Rexdog appropriate. You. Fetch. Good. You. King. Ungood. Only one King here. Two thumbs up, pointing back at this guy with the amazing totally natural hair. Trump King best king believe me.

TILLERSON: You DO realize the entire foundation of our country was built on overthrowing the power of the British Monarchy? 

TRUMP: Unrelevant. You. Not king. If I have someone beneath me going around calling himself a king people will talk badly about me. 

TILLERSON: …and not about everything else. 

TRUMP: Already replaced you. Mike Pompeo. CIA chief. 

TILLERSON: The CIA Director? An…interesting choice. Commendable in fact. May I assume you selected him based on his flawless track reco-

TRUMP: Name reminds me of that city in Italy. 

TILLERSON: Pompeii? 

TRUMP: Boom. Great place Pompeii. Therefore, great replacement. Never been to Pompeii, but heard it’s a huge tourist attraction. Can’t miss!

TILLERSON: You…do realize that Pompeii was destro-

PENCE: -JUST labelled the World’s Greatest Tourist Attraction in 2018! Great pick sir!

TRUMP: Boom!

TILLERSON: …said the volcano. Have you no soul Mike? 

PENCE: Hey, his name’s Mike too. So I figure he can take half of the abuse. 

TRUMP: Unpossible. Pence abuse. Plenty to go around. Nonstop font of degradation!

TILLERSON: Suddenly I’m ok with this departure. 

PENCE: …take me with you? 

TILLERSON: No. 

TRUMP: Still can’t believe Dee Snyder and Adam Carolla in the running. Next week cupcake battle.

TILLERSON: YOU’RE NOT ON THE APPRENTICE!

PENCE: Just let him believe it, Rex. That way we can convince him to take time off for commercial breaks.