POMPEO: Ok, sir. So when you shake Kim Jong Un’s hand, make contact, provide a light shake, count to 9, and then release. This way you can demonstrate to the photographers your long term commitment to peace with a prolonged physical gesture, but don’t shake too long otherwise public opinion will sway towards your need to have complete control and dominance over all others. A concluding shoulder pat is optional. 

TRUMP: Ugggh. You. So worried. Almost Pencian in your concern. Didn’t you see how I handled those folks at the G7 summit? 

POMPEO: I did. That’s why I’m talking to you about this. 

TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy, believe me. Natural bringer togetherer! 

POMPEO: He’s here sir. Now remember the photographers are already clicking so make sure 9 seconds. 

TRUMP: Out of the way. You. Kim. Crazy haired maniac. So good. Almost the best. Trump best is best best, believe me. High five. 

POMPEO: Looks like I’m working overtime. 

KIM: You. Trump. Crazy haired maniac.  So good. Almost the best. Kim best is best best, believe me. High five. 

POMPEO: I should have expected this. 

TRUMP: First things first. You. Lots of respect for being totally in control. Can fire anyone you want. Any time. Can respect!

KIM: You. Trump. Mad props for complete domination. Can shoot or send anyone you want to labor camp. So good. Just the best believe me. Natural leader!

TRUMP: You. Need to chart new path. Can’t have communist China tell you what to do. Be independent!

KIM: Putin called. Says he has new things he wants you to do! Must obey!

POMPEO: Well this is getting slightly apocalyptic. 

TRUMP: Ha! Sick burn!

KIM: Let’s do the Yo Mama jokes next!

POMPEO: I see literally no way how this can lead to a safer planet. 

TRUMP: You. Kim. No more nukes. 

KIM: Sure. No biggie. Will provide full denuclearization. As long as you stop playing army with the Southies.

TRUMP: Can do. Can do. 

POMPEO: Wha? How…how the hell is this working? There is no logical explanation for-

TRUMP: Hey where’s our interpreter? 

RODMAN: ‘sup yo. 

TRUMP/KIM: DENNY!!!!

RODMAN: Who’s the man, baby? 

TRUMP: I am. So good. 

KIM: Me too. So manly. 

RODMAN: Three manly dudes. Just the best. 

TRUMP: Just the best. So good. 

KIM: So good. Believe me. 

POMPEO: Strangely this may be the least shocking explanation. 

RODMAN: Who’s up for ice cream and insane hair care secrets? 

TRUMP: All in. Rocky road. 

KIM: Let’s do this. Almond nut. 

POMPEO: …whelp, if crazy is the only thing that’s going to work, then sign me up for a head injury, I guess. 

PENCE: We’ve expanded out the search parties everywhere sir but unfortunately we still haven’t been able to-

MELANIA: Hello Donald. 

PENCE: Like I said we believe she may be in the Oval Office. 

TRUMP: Ugggh. You. Captain Vanilla Failure. Out. 

PENCE: Outing now sir. 

TRUMP: Mel. Where the hell have you been? 

MELANIA: Vere have I been? Donald. Vere have yoo been? Eeets been over one month seence yoo’ve last-

TRUMP: Mel. Fourth wall. Don’t break. Trump builds walls, doesn’t tear them down. Construction only!

MELANIA: Vell eef yoo must no, I’ve been een that reedeekyulus seenkhole on the lawn. Vie ees eet steel there? 

TRUMP: Not a sinkhole. Golf hole. The Trump putter not working the way it used to.

MELANIA: And heere comes…

TRUMP: Not that Trump putter. That one. Attached to me. So good. Just the best, believe me. Hole in one!

MELANIA: The necessary peenis reemark. Preedeectable.

TRUMP: Also, need an escape tunnel. 

MELANIA: Now eet ees the eenteresteeng. Vie eskape tunnel, Donald? 

TRUMP: Donny. Out making public appearances. Speeches. Pinning medals on cripples. Patting mediocre kids on head telling them they’re amazing even when they’re not. But not me. 

MELANIA: No? Than who ees-

TRUMP: Blump. Black Trump. You know him as Don King but works as body double. Put him in white face, almost like the real thing. Black doppleganger! 

MELANIA: So vat hyave yoo been doing vith yoorself, Donald? 

TRUMP: Preparing for Kim Jong Un meeting. Stakes. Lots. Not great steaks like Trump steaks, but unclassy potentially nuclear war stakes. Medium rare disaster! Can’t leave Oval office until I’ve figured out negotiation strategy. Need to figure out how to talk to insane egotistical dictator with questionable hare. Hirstute maniac!

MELANIA: Yoo may need to konsoolt vees the Pence on that. 

TRUMP: Trump regrets not being around. 

MELANIA: Vell there vas that von time vere vee made love last veek. Yoo vere amazing.

TRUMP: Didn’t see you last week. 

MELANIA: 

TRUMP:

MELANIA:

TRUMP: Goddamn Blump. Need to have him killed. 

MELANIA: That…might be unvise, Donald. You are scoreeng beeg vith the Afreecan American communeetee.

TRUMP: You. Not trying to save Blump for a future date are you? 

MELANIA: Eeef I say yes veeel you admeet to the Stormee?

TRUMP: 

MELANIA:

TRUMP: You. Tough negotiator. Knew there’s a reason I married you. Besides being totally hot. Hard bargain driver. 

MELANIA: Perhaps I shoold do the negotiate veeth the Keem Jong. 

TRUMP: Tempted, but you’d blow his mind. North Korea would consider it an assassination attempt. Diplomatic sexiness! 

PENCE: Mr. President, congratulations again on moving the embassy to Jerusalem. 

TRUMP: Big day today. So great. World peace in Israel. Mission accomplished!

PENCE: I…wouldn’t use that exact terminology if I were-

TRUMP: Opening ceremony should be starting now. Turn on the news. 

PENCE: Which station?

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Just kidding sir. Turning on FOX news now. 

TRUMP: This guy. Comedian. Should put together 20 minutes on your hair. 

PENCE: I’ll…start writing some jokes sir. 

TRUMP: Do that after the ceremony. So once FOX finishes covering these brown people getting shot they should go over to the embassy story. Momentous occasion!

PENCE: I…think that IS the embassy story sir.

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: That’s a lot of bodies. 

PENCE: Yup.

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Is that supposed to be on fire?  

PENCE: I’m going to go ahead and say no.

TRUMP: As long as they don’t show the…

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: …crying baby. 

TRUMP: So unfair. Huge tragedy. 

PENCE: I agree sir. It can be a cruel world when a child-

TRUMP: So unfair they’re going to blame me for this. Total scapegoat. But a classy scapegoat. Just the best scapegoat, believe me. The most scapes! 

PENCE: Well I’m certain sir that you won’t be held…uh…responsible…responsible for…

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: You can’t even finish that sentence can you? 

PENCE: Sorry sir. You’re pretty much a hate magnet for everything at this point. 

TRUMP: Not a problem. Just going to blame crooked Hillary. Works for everything. PR panacea!

PENCE: Surely you can’t blame her for all of the world’s ills, sir. 

TRUMP: You. Kidding. Give me five minutes, can blame her for falling toast landing on the jelly side.  Then blame O’Bombs for making you pay twice for the toast. Drain the swamp!

PENCE: You are a piece of work sir. 

TRUMP: Piece of work making works of peace. 

PENCE: That was…kind of poetic sir!

TRUMP: Throw enough brown people at bullets and I’ll have people singing kumbaya in the streets. 

PENCE: And back to reality. 

PENCE: Mr. President, the American hostages you freed from North Korea are here.

TRUMP: So good. Hostages freed. Media has no excuse now. Will totally love me now. Nothing to hate!

PENCE: …sure. Anyway, Secretary of State Pompeo is bringing them in. 

POMPEO: Mr. President, may I present to you former hostages Tony Kim, Kim Hak-Song, and Kim Dong-Chul.

TRUMP: Good to meet you all. So good. Just the best. But don’t need suits dry cleaned. Have White House staff. Pressed and dried!

PENCE: Oh Dear Lord. Sir, these are not your dry cleaners. 

POMPEO: These are the hostages, Mr. President. 

KIM: An honor, Mr. President.

HAK-SONG: Thank you so much, sir!

DONG-CHUL: What’s going on?

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

POMPEO:

TRUMP: You. Pompeo. Over here. Other you. White guy. Forgot your name. 

PENCE: Mike Pence. I’ve been your Vice President for-

TRUMP: Not important. More important. Who are these guys? 

POMPEO: As I said, they’re the hostages, sir. 

PENCE: The ones you convinced Kim Jong-Un to release. 

TRUMP: Can’t be. Look at them. Must be decoys. 

POMPEO: I…don’t understand.

PENCE: How can they be decoys? 

TRUMP: Look at them. They’re not-

PENCE: *Sigh* Let me guess: not white? 

TRUMP: Well compared to you everything is not white. Anti-melanin!

POMPEO: Mr. President, just because they’re not Caucasian doesn’t mean they’re not real Americans. 

TRUMP: Listen to you. Now which one of us makes no sense? 

POMPEO: Well I thi-

TRUMP: I can make this hostage release a hostage trade. 

POMPEO: Shutting up, sir. 

KIM: Pardon me, but is everything ok? 

HAK-SONG: Are we in trouble? 

TRUMP: Not yet. 

DONG-CHUL: No really what’s going on here? Are we on an episode of The Apprentice? Why is Donald Trump meeting us? Is this some sort of photo op before we meet the President? 

PENCE: He’s the President. 

TRUMP: Greatest President. 

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

DONG-CHUL:

PENCE:

TRUMP: So good. Just the best, believe me. 

DONG-CHUL: Oh come on. I know I’ve been imprisoned since 2015 but I’m not THAT out of it. They would never let this nutjob lead America!

TRUMP: Boom. Exhibit A. Not Americans. Only real Americans love Trump. True patriotism!

POMPEO: Mr. President! These are American citizens!

PENCE: They’re as American as you and I, I assure you!

KIM: Actually I’m from South Korea.

HAK-SONG: I’m Chinese. Came to America in the 90s.

DONG-CHUL: I lived in a Chinese city near the border of North Korea. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

POMPEO:

TRUMP: Send them back. 

POMPEO: We…can’t do that sir. 

PENCE: We really shouldn’t start breaking deals.

TRUMP: You. Must be new here. These two thumbs. Pointing to this guy. The guy who broke Iran deal. Iran. No Nukes! Korea. No Goo-

PENCE: DON’T SAY IT.

TRUMP: What? No Goons. Can’t send us decoys. Makes us look bad. Like total goons. Worse than Pence!

POMPEO: What if we…kept them here as…American hostages?

PENCE: Yes. YES. That’ll show Korea, Mr. President. How much of a…gracious President you are! 

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  

POMPEO: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:  Trump. So gracious. Just the best. Acceptable hostages. 

DONG-CHUL: Are you sure he’s the President? 

PENCE: I literally have no idea.