8/8/17 Game of Trumps

BANNON: So then Daenarys follows Jon Snow into the caves under Dragonstone to find that dragonglass, and all I’m thinking is “if that was Hillary she wouldn’t mine it to stop the White Walkers. She would have sold it to the Lannisters through her foundation to get her elected queen.” 

PENCE: Ha! Good one! That’s so true.

TRUMP: What is?

BANNON: GAH!

PENCE: Eeep!

TRUMP: Eeep? Ugggh. Just the worst. Can’t even do cowardly shock right. Multilayered failure!

BANNON: We were just talking about Game of Thrones sir.

TRUMP: You. Troll man. Explain this throne game. Go.

PENCE: Actually sir, before he does, we were kind of wondering where you’ve been the last couple of weeks. We’ve been-

TRUMP: I’m waiting Bannon. Throne game. Hit me.

BANNON: Inmywildestdreams. ANYWAY Game of Thrones is this story that takes place in a fantasy world-

TRUMP: Like Obamacare actually working.

BANNON: Exactly. 

TRUMP: Fiction. Can’t stand it. No analogies to real life. Go on. 

BANNON: Well there’s this….throne…in this land that everyone is fighting for so they can control the Kingdom of Westeros. 

TRUMP: See what I mean? Pointless. Wasting my time. Stopping me from tweeting about the power struggle between Liberals and the Right for the Oval Office and control the Western hemisphere. Can’t relate!

PENCE: And then we were just talking about Daenerys Targaryen. She’s this charismatic figure that her subjects unquestionably follow, and she’s making a claim on ruling the world, and she has these three enormous dragons that crossed the ocean to-

TRUMP: Can you hear yourself? Total kid story. Makes no sense. Would never happen in real life. Have more important things to do, like figure out how to stop Kim Jong Un from launching 3 ICBMs across the Pacific. No comparison! 

BANNON: And throughout the story there’s all these main and supporting characters that are killed off. 

TRUMP: Makes no sense. People getting kicked out of this weird power struggle story? Ridiculous! By the way, where’s Sean Spicer, Rinsed Penis, and the Mooch?

PENCE: And there’s these people with colorful names and titles, like the Bastard Jon Snow, The Mountain, The Imp, The Hound, and-

TRUMP: Anyone seen Mad Dog Mattis? Need to talk about ISIS.

BANNON: And then there’s this evil blonde queen who-

TRUMP: No time for this. Have to mock Hillary. 

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: What? 

BANNON: Oh, um. I was thinking you might actually like Game of Thrones. See, there’s this wall-

TRUMP: I’m listening.

BANNON: And it’s manned by the Men of the Night’s Watch. They’re basically a bunch of criminals who swear their lives to take the black and-

TRUMP: A wall worked for free by a bunch of black criminals. Still listening.

PENCE: The wall is huge sir. You’d love it! It’s over 700 feet tall.

TRUMP: Game of Thrones. New favorite story. Glowing Orb: Order the entire-

ORB: I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ALEXA, COVFEFE!!! 

BANNON: Why does he still have that? 

PENCE: The wall is magically impenetrable and armed with all sorts of weapons sir.

TRUMP: This wall. Favorite wall. Best wall until Trump wall built. 

PENCE: And it keeps out the White Walkers. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TRUMP: The who?

PENCE: The White Walkers. 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: More. 

PENCE: Well, they’re like these evil zombies who are, I guess…white. And they’re trying to travel south and…destroy the Seven Kingdoms.

TRUMP: A wall that keeps white people out.

PENCE: That’s correct sir.

BANNON: I’m afraid so.

TRUMP: Game of Thrones. Worst story ever. None of this applies to real life. Pointless!

PENCE: The wall is in the north, sir.

TRUMP: Wall that keeps out Canadians. Makes sense. Canadians. Whitest people anywhere. Need to keep out! Note to self. Build second wall after Mexican wall.

BANNON: Best not to tell him about Jaime and Cersei’s incestuous-

TRUMP: Anyone seen Ivanka?

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Need her to sit in on a couple of meetings.

BANNON: Phew.

PENCE: Thank God. 

 

 

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7/19/2017 – Blumpcare

PENCE: They’re all here, sir. 

BANNON: All 52 GOP senators, as you requested.

TRUMP: Tremendous. Ok. Let’s get to this. You guys. Health care bill. Need to pass it. Pronto. Can’t waste time. Lives are on the line!

PENCE: It’s good to see you are so concerned about the lives of-

TRUMP: I mean how am I going to get my life back to normal until you dweebs pass something for these sick nothings? Promise them you’ll toss them some aspirin and sign your name. Boom. Healthcare bill. Medical innovation!

BANNON: And what should we do about Obamacare?

PENCE: We need to have an answer for all the patients enrolled on it. 

TRUMP: I’m inclined to let them die. 

BANNON:

PENCE:

TRUMP: It. Meant let IT die. Tricky pronouns!

BANNON: We…may need to work on those a bit more, sir. 

TRUMP: Ok. The rest of you. I see here the nation’s best and brightest. Fifty-two Republicans from all 52 states. 

PENCE: It’s actually-

BANNON: Forget it he’s rolling. 

TRUMP: Work needs to get done. You guys need to do the work that needs to get done. So no leaving Washington until there’s a healthcare bill on my desk ready for me to sign.Not just a good healthcare bill, the best. 

PENCE: Bravo!

BANNON: Well said, sir!

TRUMP: A bill that I won’t sign until I get back from vacation. 

PENCE: 

BANNON:

TRUMP: Vacations. So good. Just the best, believe me. Trump vacations best vacations. Time share!

PENCE: Mr. President, um…if I can just point out that-

BANNON: Sir, why are you demanding all of the Republican senators stay and work on this while you leave to go on some extended golf holiday? 

TRUMP: Easy. Did my job. Tweeted how bad Obamacare is. Blamed Dems. Demanded Republicans replace. Boom. Done. Effective delegation! 

BANNON: Well what the hell are we-

PENCE: Just…let him go, Bannon. He’d just be in the way anyway. This way we can actually get things done.

BANNON: You’re right. And for a  little while we won’t have answer to-

TRUMP: While I’m out, Blump is in charge. Don King. Black Trump. Blump. So good. Needs to work on hair though. Near perfect substitute!

PENCE: Dear Lord. 

BLUMP: Maaaan, I ain’t seen dis many crackas in a room since I was at da Nabisco factory! Ok, Blumpcare, here we go. STEP ONE: Get me some Ben Carson all up in dis joint. Ain’t no laws bein’ passed until a brother wit some common sense be innit!

BANNON: We’re doomed. 

PENCE: Could be worse. He could have asked for Al Sharpton. 

BLUMP: STEP TWO: Get me some Kung Fu films! 

PENCE: Which…one? 

BLUMP: ALL OF DEM

7/18/2017 – Zombiecare

PENCE: You seem perturbed sir. 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: It means very upset. 

TRUMP: Knew that. Testing you to see how…

PENCE: -perturbed-

TRUMP: Perturbed I was. Very! 

PENCE: May I ask what exactly is upsetting you, sir? 

TRUMP: Healthcare bill. Failed to pass Senate again. Makes no sense. Plan sells itself!

PENCE: How…does the healthcare plan sell itself? 

TRUMP: Keeps dying but gets back up again. Trumpcare best care. Can’t kill it. Perfect health!

PENCE: If it dies but gets up again wouldn’t that make it a zombie? 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: Zombies? You know, the living dead, brainless drones, shambling along in packs, trying to eat brains, never go away, can’t be stopped? 

TRUMP: Liberals.

PENCE: Sort of but with better hygiene. 

TRUMP: Ok. New plan. Scrap bill. Call Sessions, tell him I’ve got a fresh mouse. Get him to rename plan Zombiecare. Libs will love it. Infallible!

PENCE: I…don’t think patients will want to sign up for a plan called Zombiecare, sir. 

TRUMP: Exactly. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

PENCE: 

TRUMP: You’re giving me that look of utter horror and admiration at the same time. 

PENCE: Am I that transparent? 

TRUMP: Completely. Doesn’t help you have no melanin. More like melanone. Used to the look whenever I undress in front of Melania. Can understand. The Trumpedo is legendary. Appendage of legend!

PENCE: ….ew. 

7/17/2017 – The Trump in the North

TRUMP: Watched that Game of Thrones show last night. 

PENCE: Oh I’m sure this will end well. 

BANNON: Quiet you. YES sir? What was that about Game of Thrones?

TRUMP: Gave me ideas. Big ideas. Trump ideas, therefore the best ideas. Trump ideas, so good. Tremendous. Just the best, believe me. 

PENCE: What kind of ideas sir? 

TRUMP: Ok. Invite all House Democrats to party pretending I’m Pence. Can barely stand the thought but for greater good. Necessary sacrifices!

BANNON: Then what, sir?

TRUMP: Tell the Dems I was wrong, then we all drink wine together Except their wine is poisoned. All the House Democrats die, I rip off Pence skin mask. The Trump in the North!

PENCE:

BANNON:

TRUMP: Trump is coming.

PENCE: Sir, it is an…interesting…idea…

TRUMP: Interesting in Trumpspeak means perfect. Knew you’d get it.

BANNON: But sir, there is that one – “quirk” shall we say – where poisoning the House Democrats is…and I’m speaking only in the most literal interpretation here…it IS technically mass murder.

TRUMP: Even if they’re really horrible people?

BANNON: Unfortunately sir. Murder is murder.

TRUMP: Unless you’re Hillary Clinton in which case the victim committed suicide. Boom. Trump jab. Tremendous. But seriously would love to kill them all. Options open!

BANNON: The press, er, fake news would not approve. 

TRUMP: Uggggh. FINE. Can I at least keep the Pence skin mask? 

PENCE: I may need that sir. 

TRUMP: Why, to scare loved ones? Kidding. Pence face worst face. Look at it. Like a wax candle too lazy to melt. Like a snowball put on a suit to sneak into a movie. Caucasian blandness!

BANNON: Mr. President, it might be best if you develop political strategies that are not directly linked to Game of Thro-

TRUMP: Ok. New strategy. Step one. We need three dragons.

PENCE: Dragons are fictional creatures and do not exist!

TRUMP: So are the benefits of Obamacare.

PENCE:

BANNON: We’re listening. 

TRUMP: Boom. Ok, step two. We need a lot of dragonglass. All we can find. 

PENCE: I think…the Clinton foundation sold it all to Russia?

TRUMP: Uggggghh! 

BANNON: Good one. 

PENCE: I have no idea what I’m saying. 

BANNON: You know nothing, Mike Pence. 

TRUMP: That’s what I always say. Pence brain. So empty. Like a shaken Etch a Sketch. Neurological vacuum! Ok new plan. How are we on direwolves? 

7/14/2017 – Inactive Appendage

PENCE: Have you seen the President anywhere? 

BANNON: He’s not here. Melania took him to France. 

PENCE: Well at least he can’t cause any damage here. I guess I’m in charge then! Boss time, here we go!

BANNON: Nope. Read the note he left on his desk. 

TRUMP: You. Pence. I think that’s your name. So unimportant. Just like Vice President position. Useless. Just hanging there like testicles on a priest. Inactive appendage! Can’t have you running things. Can only imagine how badly you’d manage things compared to me. Called Belichick. Borrowing Gronkowski. Impressed me at last meeting. Hidden talents! Do what he says. Country in good hands with Gronk. But not great hands. Only Trump has great hands. Great big hands. Not small at all. Fake News! -T. P.S. Trump the best. P.P.S. I hate you.

PENCE: He’s kidding right? 

BANNON: Gronk, come on in. 

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Whoa! Holy guacamole! Use the door next time!

BANNON: Did you just say “Holy guacamole”? 

PENCE: Anything’s possible in the eyes of our Lord and Savior. So, Mr. uh, Gronk-

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Yes. So, Mr. Gronk, what will you be doing while you are-

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Ok, sure, I guess smashing is acceptable. Granted we will have to repair a bunch of walls but I don’t believe you will be influencing policy to any extent. 

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Excellent! Watch this Bannon. Hey, um, Mr. “Gronk” how do you recommend we address ISIS? 

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Sure! Ha! I bet it’s that easy. Just smash ISIS. Problem solved! Thanks Gronk! Hey, how about healthcare? Give us a few pearls on that! 

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Sure sounds great! I have no problem with seeing Obamacare in a headlock! Housing?

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Immigration?

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Media? 

GRONK: Gronk recommends engaging in an open but mutually beneficial dialogue with both Left and Right leaning media outlets, providing messaging that promotes the President’s agenda yet remaining open to the acceptance of criticism while tasking said media outlets with taking a more objective stance in an attempt to return to classic journalism that prioritizes information over opinion. 

PENCE:

BANNON: Hey, it’s better than what we get out of the President. 

PENCE: So…Gronk…what DO you think about the President? 

GRONK: GRONK SMASH!

PENCE: Can we keep him? He’s my new favorite human. 

BANNON: That is a broad use of the term “human”. 

PENCE: Gronk, smash Bannon. 

GRONK: GRONK HURT BACK! GRONK OUT FOR 8 WEEKS

PENCE: Typical. 

7/13/2017 – Budding Respect

MELANIA: Donald, vee are the here! Come down the Air Force One steps. 

TRUMP: Tremendous. So going to destroy lunch, believe me. Looking forward to-why is Emmanual Macron at the bottom of the stairs?

MACRON: Bonjour Monsieur le Président. J’aurais préféré vous revenez sur votre plan, mais apparemment nous devons parler les uns aux autres.

TRUMP: Sure. Flight was fine. Tremendous. 

MACRON: Nous allons obtenir ce avec. Je ne peux pas attendre jusqu’à ce que vous revenez sur votre avion donc je peux prétendre que vous n’existez pas.

TRUMP: Exactly. ISIS. HUUUGE threat. So glad we can agree on that. Hoping we can also agree on climate change. Not going to pay!

MACRON: Le climat en France sera beaucoup mieux une fois que vous revenez à l’Amérique !

TRUMP: You. Melania. When I said I wanted French Fries for lunch, didn’t have to go to the source. Better fries at Trump tower where they were invented. Authentic cuisine!

MELANIA: Eets fine, Donald. You forget how much power you are the having as President. 

TRUMP: Already had power. Trump power best power. Tremendous. Just the best. So good. Believe me. 

MACRON: Si vous voulez déjeuner je peux vous donner un tas d’ordures et appelez-le souffle Trump!

MELANIA: Le Président Macron, pardon me, mais vous vous rendez compte je suis parlant couramment Français, comprendre?

MACRON:

MELANIA: S’il vous plaît ne m’oblige à traduire à mon mari d’orange. J’aime l’homme, mais il est un peu stupide.

MACRON:

MELANIA:  

MACRON: …merde.

TRUMP: Melania. Might be best if you not talk politics. This is men’s work. Except for Angela Merkel but come on, we’re talking borderline woman at best. Solid 5, therefore valid exception. 

MACRON: Welcome to France, Mr. President! We have prepared a feast in your honor! Right this way!

TRUMP: You. So good to make with the friendly after that bad business from last time. Knew we could see past differences. Budding respect!

MELANIA: Je vous regarde Frenchie.

MACRON: …merde.

 

7/12/2017 – But His Emails

PENCE: Mr. President, um…well…

TRUMP: Go on. Spit it out. I already assumed it’s stupid if it’s coming from you. Nothing to lose!

PENCE: …SHE’S on the phone. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. FINE. Let’s do this. You. Phone person. Speak. 

CLINTON: Greetings incomprehensibly elected United States President. It is I, Hillary Clinton. 

TRUMP: Yeah. Figured it was you. Let me guess. You’re doing a gloat call. 

CLINTON: Indeed, orange human! I am providing you this conversation to mock your imminent political demise. Soon your connections with Russia will be revealed  and the CLINTONING will rise! 

TRUMP: You’re talking about that email chain from my boy Donnie Junior? Good kid. Smart. Handsome. On the ball. But brunette so imperfect. Follicularly flawed!

CLINTON: Your offspring shall be the…how does the human colloquialism go…smoking gun. And this gun is indeed smoking! And where there is smoke, there is fire! Soon all of your inappropriate interactions with Russia will be revealed!

TRUMP: Sorry, I forgot who I’m talking to. Is this Hillary Clinton, whose husband delivered a speech in Russia for a half a million dollars a couple of years ago? 

CLINTON: What my male life mate does cannot be tied to-

TRUMP: Then you can’t say the same thing for my boy. Oh wait, am I talking to the woman, and I use that term in the broadest sense, who gave her approval to handing over 20% of our US uranium reserves to a Russia-controlled company through her foundation? And then didn’t disclose the transaction? 

CLINTON: …what my foundation-

TRUMP: Then you can’t go after my business dealings either. 

CLINTON: It matters not. If there are no ties directly to you or your business than your cabinet can easily be linked to-

TRUMP: Am I talking to the woman whose campaign chief John Podesta sat on the board of a company that received $35 million from the Russian government? Or am I talking to the woman who tried to get the Ukranian government to help her undermine my campaign? 

CLINTON: 

TRUMP: But his emails. 

CLINTON: 

TRUMP: Here’s the deal. You want to claim you have a smoking gun on me? Fine. You got it. Boom. Gun. Smoking. Tremendous. I have about a dozen smoking howitzers on you. Don’t get in an arms race with me, toots. You’ll trip over your own hypocrisy. 

CLINTON: Somehow you are stimulating my logic circuits and I don’t understand why. 

TRUMP: Well why don’t you go consult with an army of market research consultants to determine what you think and then call me back later? Trump mike dropped. Conversation over. 

CLINTON: You won’t-

TRUMP: *Click* Boom. Tremendous. 

PENCE: 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: What? 

PENCE: What you did….and then called her “toots”…I think I need go to clean my pants. 

TRUMP: Can appreciate. Trump smackdown best smackdown. 

PENCE: You…do realize, sir, that your accusations and reminders of Clinton’s ties to Russia change nothing about the damaging implications of Russia’s ties to your presidency, sir? 

TRUMP: Got it. Believe me. But whenever I hired an executive I preferred people who were slightly corrupt screw-ups instead of totally corrupt competents.  Can fix mistakes, can’t fix backstabbing. Unreachable knife!

PENCE: Did you…ever think about hiring competent individuals who weren’t corrupt?

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Wow. Never thought you were that naive thinking those people really exist. Hey, go call Gandalf and Dumbledore or whatever fantasy world you call home and go get some resumes from these make believe candidates. Secretary Merlin!