6/14/2017 – Precious

BANNON: Mr. President, Attorney General Jeff Sessions is back from his testimony.

TRUMP: Who? 

BANNON: Jeff Sessions? The Attorney General of the United States? 

TRUMP: Still not registering. 

BANNON: *Sigh* Sesh is here. 

TRUMP: Sesh. Love that guy. Looks like he retired after 30 years at Keebler but man can rock a testimony. Still might fire! Ok. You. Bannon. Out. You. Sesh. In. Go. Boom.

SESH: Good morning Mr. President, I do believe that yesterday could be interpreted as a successful defense if I may be so bold. 

TRUMP: No. You. Not bold. Only Trump is bold. You can be italics. Font jokes!

SESH: Yyyyess. Now Mr. President as I’m certain you are aware of I am of course at your disposal-

TRUMP: Not disposing of you yet. Need you to mess up first. Or if I randomly decide to fire you for no reason whatsoever. Keeps people on their toes. Career ballet!

SESH: Mr. President, I am nonetheless quite busy today with multiple appointments, so if I may ascertain why you have invited me here-

TRUMP: I didn’t. He did. 

ORB: COVFEFE!! HAVE YOU SUMMONED HIM? I AWAIT A REPLY. DO NOT MAKE ME WAIT

TRUMP: Sesh is here. Sesh meet Orb. Orb, Sesh. You two. Talk. Go. 

SESH: Is that what I think it is?

TRUMP: No idea what you’re talking about, so…yes. 

ORB: WHERE IS IT YOU HIDEOUS CREATURE?

TRUMP: What creature? Is Pence here? 

ORB: MY MINIONS CONTINUE TO SEARCH FOR MY PRIZE AND YOU WILL GUIDE THEM

SESH: No! It’s mine! My precious! You cannot have it! Me wants it! It is mine! And when I find the filthy thieves who stole the precious we will keeps it forever!

ORB: YOU WILL DELIVER IT TO ME OR YOU WILL SUFFER FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS

SESH: No! It’s minesies! It’s my precious! You can’t have!

ORB: MARK WELL MY DEMANDS, CREATURE. I RETURN TO THE NETHER REALMS. CONSIDER YOUR NEXT ACTIONS FOR THEY WILL GUIDE YOUR FATE. BEGONE!

TRUMP: Not good Sesh. 

SESH: Why, Mr. President, this is certainly nothing for you to be overly concerned about. Rest assured, everything is under-

TRUMP: Not upset about that. Upset about not knowing about this prize. You. Explain. Go.

SESH: You can’t have it! It’s precious to me!!! I mean….oh, it’s nothing just a tiny, gold…beautiful…ri-

TRUMP: Never mind. If it’s not money or a model preferably in her 20’s from an Eastern European country called Somthingstan, I don’t care. Not precious. Subjective value!

SESH: Now, if you’ll pardon me sir, I need take a quick trip to the Hobb….um….Hobbs. New Mexico. To discuss your…wall?

TRUMP: Sure. No idea why an Attorney General needs to do that but I have no idea what most people do around here. Other than making me look good. So easy when you’re Trump good, because Trump good is best good. Everything else is less good. Just have to exist, instantly worse than Trump. So good.

SESH: Outstanding, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Ok. You. Go. Have to do something about this ring.

SESH: RING????

TRUMP: Yup. Ring tone on my phone. Keeps playing Russian anthem for some reason. That reminds me. Need to call Putin, then remind press I have no ties to Moscow. Bold faced lies! 

 

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6/13/2017 – Sesh

BANNON: Mr. President, Attorney General Jeff Sessions is here to see you.

TRUMP: Finally. Let’s talk to the man. 

SESSIONS: Good afternoon Mr. President. I just want you to know that even though I’m testifying in-

TRUMP: You. Sessions. Look like a surprised elf staring at a Christmas tree. All the time. 

SESSIONS: Well, I do declare I will try to remain festive sir. 

TRUMP: You. Jeff. Can I call you Sesh?

SESSIONS: Actually, sir, I’d rather you kindly refrain from-

TRUMP: Listen Sesh, going to level with you. Man to man. But Trump to man, because Trump better than ordinary man. Homo superior! 

SESH: …very well then sir. 

TRUMP: Did you speak to the Russians? 

SESH: No sir. Well, maybe once. 

TRUMP: Just once? 

SESH: Absolutely sir. Oh wait. There was that other time with Ambassador Kislyak. 

TRUMP: So two times. 

SESH: Well, in fact if I am going to be truthful about such things than I must confide in you sir that I did in retrospect meet with him twice. So technically, three times with the Russians, as I do so recall.

TRUMP: That’s it? 

SESH: 

TRUMP:

SESH: 

TRUMP: How many?

SESH: Ok, there may have been a few more cordial conversations about this and that, if I do say so myself. 

TRUMP: Ugghhhh. How many sessions with the Russians, Sessions? That’s a pun. Trump pun, best pun. 

SESH: Well, it’s kind of hard to say sir, they say talk to you later, and being an Alabama man of the mannerly sort, I do feel in a sense obligated to-

TRUMP: You. Sesh. Can’t be polite. Don’t get it. How can you be so nice to the Russians but hate the Jews so much? 

BANNON: Actually Mr. President, he hates black people. I’m the marginally antisemitic one.

SESH: I must disagree with you Bannon, I do not hate black folk!

TRUMP: Good to know. Black people good people. Strange love of hot sauce but can respect differences in condiments. Ok. Test time. You. Sesh. Outside a building. Two people walking to the door. A Russian and a black man. Who are you holding the door open for?

SESH:

TRUMP:

SESH: …is the Russian gentleman black too, or is it just the black guy?

TRUMP: Nice try. White as the day is long.

BANNON: That doesn’t make any sense sir.

TRUMP: Makes Trump sense. Trump sense is best sense. Individualized logic!

SESH: Ok, I would hold open the door for the Russian gentleman, but I would start a conversation with him at the doorway while still holding open the door so the black guy can walk through while it’s open, so I don’t look racist. 

TRUMP: Nice, two birds with one bush. 

BANNON: Sir, first of all, thanks again for that Trump logic, and am I the only one who noticed Attorney General Sessions called the Russian a gentleman but not the black man? 

SESH: Need I remind you, Mr. Bannon, that where I come from calling a black man a guy is practically Southern evolution! Forgive me if I don’t share your evolved Northerner sensibilities. 

BANNON: You do realize the Civil War is over, right Jeff? 

SESH: IT’S REAL TO ME!

TRUMP: You. Bannon. Give Sesh a minute. I recognize this. It’s like when I found out professional wrestling is fake. Paradigm shift! 

SESH: PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS FAKE??

BANNON: I didn’t see this coming. 

TRUMP: We’re good. Got Vince McMahon on button 2 on my hotline for just such an emergency. Dealt with this before with Eric. Still in shock!

6/12/2017 – Eugenic Victory

PENCE: Mr. President, you don’t look like yourself. 

TRUMP: Uggghhhh.

PENCE: It’s the Sessions testimony, isn’t it? Another round of bad press, I get it. 

TRUMP: No. Old news. Probably fake old news. Unimportant. 

PENCE: Is it the fact that Maryland and DC are seeking to sue you for breaching your constitutional oath?

TRUMP: Unimportant. Should countersue. Maryland doesn’t have every woman in it named Mary, and DC is not located in Columbia. False advertising!

PENCE: The sad part is I expected that reaction.

TRUMP: Wrong. The sad part is you looking into a mirror. All of you. Even the concept of you. Tragic. Just the worst.

PENCE: Noted. So if it’s neither of those things, then what’s bothering you? 

TRUMP: Melania’s here. With Barron. 

PENCE: I don’t understand, sir. Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your wife? I certainly do. In public of course, because I would never be caught alone with a woman. Ever. 

TRUMP: Upsetting because she’s gorgeous. Solid 9.5. Not a 10 because not female version of me, but can respect. Slumming it! 

PENCE: Sir, you’re going to have to clarify for me why having an attractive wife is such a-

MELANIA: Hyello Donald, hyello Michael. I hope you are both doing the vell today.

TRUMP: Doing great. The best. Absolutely tremendous. So good. So good. 

PENCE: I’m…well ma’am. How are you?

MELANIA: Very well thank you, the Michael Pence. I am reviewing potential voman’s causes to support, enrolling Barron in school, learned 3 more languages, met with consultants to design first lady fashion line, and reviewed calculus for fun.  

TRUMP: Boom.

PENCE: That’s amazing ma’am!

MELANIA: If anyone needs me I’m upstairs programming an anti-cyberbullying app. Se vidimo pozneje!

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Wow. 

TRUMP: Exactly. How am I going to get anything done? May need to divorce. Presidency. Going so well. HUGE track record of success. Can’t break streak!

PENCE: I…don’t think that the streak you are referring to is-

TRUMP: And then there’s so Barron. So sad. 

PENCE: He seems like a fine young man sir, why it sad that he’s here? 

TRUMP: Growing up in White House. HUGE opportunity. Just the best. Will outshine my other kids, make them look like underachievers. So sad!

PENCE: I don’t know about that sir, there’s Ivanka…

TRUMP: Amazing. The best. Solid 9.7. Trump genes, so good. Like Schwarzenegger in that movie with DeVito. Dominant traits! 

PENCE: And then there’s Donald Jr.

TRUMP: Handsome. Brilliant. Brunette, so not complete success. Failed to incorporate blonde Trump hair genes. Marginal victory!

PENCE: And of course there’s Eric. 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Ivanka. Huge success. Eugenic victory!

6/9/2019 -Bestova!

PENCE: Mr. President, Former Director Comey is here. 

TRUMP: You. Sounded like you capitalized “former”. Don’t do that. Wait outside pence. 

PENCE: Huh. It almost sounded like you put a lowercase p in front of my-

TRUMP: I did. Out. 

COMEY: Hey. 

TRUMP: Hey. 

COMEY: Hey.

TRUMP:

COMEY: 

TRUMP:

COMEY: 

TRUMP: So I-

COMEY: You’re a dick. 

TRUMP: This is true. Doesn’t change that one thing. 

COMEY: What’s that?

TRUMP: I didn’t obstruct justice. Or anything for that matter.

COMEY:  Other than the American political process. 

TRUMP: Oh sure. That was moving so smoothly before I got here. Then there’s the other thing.

COMEY: What’s that?

TRUMP: I’m not and never was under investigation. 

COMEY: Nope. You never were. 

TRUMP: So why all of this? Why all the back and forth? You. So confused. Like Pence staring at a Ferris wheel. Or Tilda Swinton. Just clueless. The worst. Why didn’t you just say that I did nothing from the beginning? 

COMEY: I don’t-

 TRUMP: Never mind. Already know the reason. 

COMEY: What’s that? 

TRUMP: You’re a dick too. 

COMEY: Well I’m 6 foot 8 so I’m technically the longer di-

TRUMP: Just don’t. 

COMEY: Look, even though I admitted I have nothing on you, I refuse to believe you have no ties to Russia. 

TRUMP: Totally true. No ties. Hold on. Phone. You. Phone man. Speak. 

PUTIN: Hyello.

TRUMP: Poots! What’s the deal? 

PUTIN: More you-rainieeum for Russia from Cleentun Foundation. But ov course she knew nothing. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

PUTIN: I hyave qwestion. Pleese you answer. 

TRUMP: Sure. Trump answers best answers. So good. The best. 

PUTIN: I hyave re-seeved in the myail from Saudi king a strange deeleevairy. A glowing sfeere. Looks like planet if Krushchev did not hyeroically stand up to Kennedy tierant in Cuba.

TRUMP: Got one too. Classy. Conversation piece. Conversation is usually “I hate you Mr. President, but what’s that glowing orb.”

PUTIN: Da. Can reelate. But hatred eenternalized here. Otherwise Gulag. 

TRUMP: Makes sense. So what’s the question? 

PUTIN: Does your orb talk? Mine cyalls me Putinfefe. Eees nonsense. 

TRUMP: Yup. Got the fefe talk too. Don’t get it, but glowing orb so it must make sense. Spherical wisdom!

PUTIN: Da. Weel let yoo know eef anything chyanges. Poka. 

TRUMP: That was Putin on my phone. My personal phone.

 COMEY: 

TRUMP: Great guy that Putin.

COMEY:

TRUMP: Hellbent on the destruction of the Western world but we all have quirks. Character traits!

COMEY: I…thought you said you have no ties to Russia? 

TRUMP: Don’t. No ties whatsoever. Covfefe sure, totally in bed with Russia. Big Russian bed with Russian women. Last names ending in “ova”. The best. Bestova!

COMEY: I have to go. 

TRUMP: Good. Need to hire new FBI Director. Top priority, investigate Covfefe. Can’t be trusted!

6/8/2017 – Greased Snake

PENCE: Are you watching this sir? 

TRUMP: Of course. Absolutely disgraceful what’s happening. Just awful. The worst. Backstabbing!

PENCE: Couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. I never would have gathered from that first meeting that he would change like that. 

TRUMP: Just goes to show you that when people don’t get what they want, they’ll do a full 360. 

PENCE: I think you mean 180 sir. 

TRUMP: Ugh. You. So wrong. 180 is only half as big as 360. You’re facing the wrong way on this.

PENCE: Actually, um…ok. 

TRUMP: How can this guy be a friend one minute and then turn into such a cowardly villain? Total betrayal. Like the melanin on your head. Albino hair field!

PENCE: It’s amazing how easily lies can come from someone sir.

TRUMP: At least they didn’t kill the dog this time. 

PENCE: It just goes to show you that…what?

TRUMP: The dog. Still alive. Like dogs, just hate them as pets. Other people pets, no problem. Just keep them away from me. Glad this one is still alive. 

PENCE: Sir…wait, I need a moment…ok…what are you watching? 

TRUMP: John Wick 2. Keanu. Brilliant actor. He’s no Dwayne Johnson but the man knows how to do an action scene. Greased snake!

PENCE: Why aren’t you watching James Comey’s testimony?

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Former FBI Director James Comey?

TRUMP:

PENCE: The guy you fired? 

TRUMP:

PENCE: *Sigh* because you said, and I quote, “his hair smelled”? 

TRUMP: Sure. The ent. Good at his job but man’s head smelled like my bathroom after a PR staged taco bowl lunch. Extra fiber!

PENCE: Wow. That’s a visual I’ll never get out of my head. 

TRUMP: John Wick can help with that. Movie has more head shots than I have Twitter shots.

PENCE: But what about the whole loyalty thing? 

TRUMP: The dog is loyal to John Wick. Look, he’s just sitting there waiting for Keanu to move. Well trained!

PENCE: I’m talking about how Comey is testifying that you demanded his loyalty and directly pushed him to declare that you’re not the target of the FBI probe into the Russian hacking scandal. 

TRUMP: Two things. One. Explain to me exactly why it’s wrong I’m demanding loyalty from someone I hire? 

PENCE: Because he is supposed to be loyal to the country first? 

TRUMP: Sure. If I work at McDonald’s as a manager and I hire someone to work the fries at McDonald’s I want him loyal to McDonald’s, but to me too. 

PENCE: That makes no sense sir. 

TRUMP: You’re right. I would never work at McDonald’s. So rich. The best. Just tremendous. Vocational options!

PENCE: What about the fact that you wanted to proclaim you are personally not under investigation? 

TRUMP: That’s number B. He just revealed in his testimony that I’m not or ever was under investigation. So basically this whole testimony is because I asked him to be nice to me. Shameful grandstanding!

PENCE: I…somehow I think you convinced me.

TRUMP: Glad to see you do a full 360. Now head out so I can finish John Wick 2.  Note to self. Appoint Keanu Reeves FBI Director. Can use Neo to hack Matrix. So good. 

6/7/2017 – Dream Weaver

TRUMP: Picked a new FBI director. 

BANNON: Outstanding sir! I’m happy to hear that after a rigorous screening process you were able to select a name. 

TRUMP: Sure. 

BANNON: Um, sir, just out of curiosity, why are there darts on your desk? 

TRUMP: No reason. Like darts. Acupuncture for archers. Long range chi alignment!

BANNON: Mr. President, if I turn around, and I am of course speaking hypothetically here-

TRUMP:

BANNON: It means based on a hypothesis.

TRUMP:

BANNON: It means…like an educated guess.

TRUMP: Knew that. I was just testing you with my…

BANNON:

TRUMP:

BANNON: Hypothesis?

TRUMP: Sure.

BANNON: So, I’m just hypo-…um…guessing here, but if I turn around and stare at the wall behind me, am I going to see a dartboard with a bunch of names on it?

TRUMP: No. 

BANNON:

TRUMP:

BANNON: 

TRUMP: Yes. 

BANNON: Jesus Christ!

TRUMP: Appreciate the compliment but not perfect. Just Trump perfect, which is actually better than perfect since it’s perfect and classy. Ecclesiastical infallibility!

BANNON: Sir, after the Comey debacle…er…really bad thing, you want to logically and strategically pick the best possible candidate to be his successor!

TRUMP: Totally with you there. That’s why I used the good darts.

BANNON: OK. Ok. Who did you pick?

TRUMP: Some guy named Christopher Wray.

BANNON: Why him? He’s a nobody! Sir, not Wray!

TRUMP: Wray! It’s Wrays world! Party time! Excellent! The best! So tremendous, Garth.

BANNON: My name is not-

 TRUMP: Uggghh. Never mind. You. Comedic genius. Not!

BANNON: Sir, can you at least give me one good reason I can give to Spicer to talk to the press about why you picked Christopher Wray? I mean other than how he reminds you of Wayne’s World quotes?

TRUMP: He has impeccable credentials, especially since he hasn’t worked here a single day. His experience as the assistant attorney general in charge of the Department of Justice’s criminal division back during the Bush administration provides a solid foundation of experience to succeed at the job while appealing to the conservative block, and his subsequent private practice work specializing in white collar and internal investigations will lend credence to the liberals that I’m recruiting a neutral candidate to play an objective role in the investigation of the Russia hacking scandal, which totally doesn’t exist anyay. 

BANNON: 

TRUMP: What? 

BANNON: Sorry, I forgot. Broken clock. Brilliant twice a day. That means your next-

TRUMP: Plus I’m hoping Wray can get me Tia Carerre’s phone number. Not Russian hot but still a solid 9. Wait, she kissed Mike Myers. Make that an 8. Would date! 

BANNON: This is a nightmare. 

TRUMP: It’s a dream, Garth, and I’m the dream weaver. 

6/6/2017 – Covert Etiquette

PENCE: Sir, we need to talk about London. 

TRUMP: You talk about London. Go ahead. Be just like them. All they do is talk talk talk. With their ‘Top of the Morning!’ and ‘Tally Ho Guvnah!’ and their ‘Foshizzle my Nizzle!’ Too polite!

PENCE: About that last one, I don’t- 

TRUMP: Too many manners. Can’t trust anyone with that many manners. Means they’re hiding something. Covert etiquette!

PENCE: Well, I’m just wondering that maybe since they’re the ones who are actually suffering from these attacks, perhaps a more balanced approach-

TRUMP: Uggghhh. If you want balance, go to the circus. Brits don’t need talk, they need action! If it wasn’t for us coming to save the day they would have lost back in 1776! 

PENCE: Actually, sir, they-

TRUMP: So Trump took action. No waiting, just dove right in. Boom. Splash. Greg Louganis!

PENCE: What…did you do sir?

TRUMP: Trump tweet. Problem solved. Efficient!

PENCE: *Sigh* What exactly did you tweet sir? 

TRUMP: Not important. Key thing is Trump tweet leads to solutions. 

PENCE: Just so I’m aware of how…innovative…your solution was, what did you say? 

TRUMP: Called their Mayor a candy legged fairy sissy boy who is too scared to do anything about the nasty Muslims in that dirty little rathole he calls a city. 

PENCE: Oh dear Lord. 

TRUMP: Good point. Should have called him lazy too. 

PENCE: Mr. President, are you aware that Sadiq Khan is the first Muslim mayor in the history of London? 

TRUMP: 

PENCE: 

TRUMP: Like-

PENCE: Yes, sir, he’s a full time Muslim.

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP: Damn. Well this changes things. Should have known. Really regret what I tweeted now.

PENCE: If we act quickly we could-

TRUMP:  Wish I knew he was Muslim so I could include that in my tweet. Trump tweet. So good. Tremendous. But needs Muslim angle to make it the best. That way Trump tweet can completely stop terrorism in London. Effective communication!

PENCE: So your solution would be to…mock his Muslim heritage to stop radical Islamic terrorism. 

TRUMP: Boom. 

PENCE: The ‘Boom’ is what they’re afraid of sir!

TRUMP: Ugh. You. First of all, no air quote fingers. So girl like. And B, you have no idea how powerful Trump tweets are. Mighty. Effective. Just the best. Used them to stop Mexicans immigrating here by sending President Nieto embarrassing tweet. Would have been so much more powerful if it turned out Nieto was Mexican too. Can’t have everything I guess. Unless you’re Trump, in which case you totally can. OmniTrumpic!

PENCE: Ay ay ay.

TRUMP: You. Stop speaking French. That language is off limits until they rename their Freedom Fries. Culinary appropriation!