9/29/2017 – BLUMP

TRUMP: Uggghhh.

PENCE: Mr. President? Are you ok?

DeVOS: You don’t seem well sir.

TRUMP: In a dilemma. Don’t know what to do. Stimied!

DeVOS: I’m surprised Mr. President, you usually have an answer for everything!

PENCE: Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong. 

DeVOS: Shhh.

TRUMP: Stumped by this whole Puerto Rico thing. Don’t know what to do.

PENCE: What seems to be the problem, sir? 

TRUMP: I’ll tell you, but don’t expect an answer. Trump. All the answers. Pence. No answers. Just questions and a lack of hair color. Anti-Rogaine!

DeVOS: Understood, sir, Pence has no hair color, and you are stumped about Puerto Rico because…

TRUMP: Supplies. Got there. Approved waiver on Jones Act to ease shipping rules to the island. Doesn’t matter!

PENCE: Why doesn’t it-

TRUMP: Supplies stuck in port. Forgot one key issue to help save Puerto Rico problem. 

PENCE: And what would that be? 

TRUMP: Unloading boats. Awful job. Need Puerto Ricans to do awful job. Like they do here. Cleaning toilets. Gardening. Roofing. So Puerto Rican. So good. Like Mexicans but acceptable. Superior Hispanics!

PENCE: Sir, um, two points. First…wow. That may be a new low. 

TRUMP: Wait. Can go lower. Ethical limbo stick!

PENCE: And second, if there’s no Puerto Ricans to do the unloading, isn’t there some other group that can do it. 

TRUMP: Boom. Great idea. Not your idea but my idea because I’m thinking about it. If Puerto Ricans can’t do awful job, there’s always two Mexicans who can. Problem solved!

PENCE: …and the limbo stick lowers. 

DeVOS: Mr. President, there might be a slight problem with that. The Gulf of Mexico. 

TRUMP: You. Gulf. Sounds like Golf which is good. Explain. 

DeVOS: Well, it’s this giant mass of water where-

PENCE: It’s basically a giant wall of water keeping the Mexicans out of Puerto Rico. 

TRUMP: Got it. Awful. Not good. Out of options. 

PENCE: You could…pay people to travel to Puerto Rico to help out. 

TRUMP: Pay people. 

PENCE: Yes sir. Pay people. 

TRUMP: Explain. 

PENCE: Ok…you give money to-

TRUMP: Stop. Not a good plan. 

DeVOS: Well then who would have ideas?

TRUMP: Only one person. Blump. Don King. Black Trump. Blump. Has all the answers. Almost as good as Trump, but not Trump so only almost as good. But Blump better than most. Sagely wisdom! 

DeVOS: Sir, Blump isn’t-

BLUMP: BLUMP is always here! Say the name BLUMP and BLUMP appears!

PENCE: Dear Lord.

TRUMP: You. Blump. Trump needs help from Blump. Puerto Rico. Supplies are there but stuck in port. Don’t know what to do. 

BLUMP: Send out a message to the island that they have to come and get their own supplies! First come first served! Then film the fighting! Call it the hunger games, hire lawyers, sell it on pay per view, profits!

PENCE: That is absolutely the most horr-

TRUMP: Fantastic.

PENCE: -endously…amazing idea. Sir. 

BLUMP: Blump lives to serve. 

TRUMP: You. Dramatic exit. Totally earned!

BLUMP: Blump ain’t no chump, Blump solves ideas that keeps others stumped! Not Blump leaves with his rump! 

TRUMP: Boom. 

DeVOS: Did he just disappear? 

TRIUMP: In a cloud of insanity. Amazing man that Blump. Pretty good, but not Trump, which is so good. Just the best, believe me. 

PENCE: I’m feeling ill. 

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9/28/2017 – 280 Trump

TRUMP: Big news! HUUUUUUUUGE. The best! Tremendous!

PENCE: …congratulations sir?

TRUMP: Uggghhh. You. Don’t congratulate Trump. Trump wins bigly every minute doing everything all the time. Trump success best success. All people would do is congratulate me for being me. Can totally understand, but nothing would get done. Endless justified accolades!

DeVOS: Mr. President, what happened?

PENCE: Is it the Dow? Is it breaking another record?

TRUMP: No. Dow keeps increasing. Shouldn’t even call it Dow. Sounds like Down. But Dow is undown. Should rename it Up. Accurate!

DeVOS: Makes sense to me, sir!

PENCE: Did your health care bill get passed?

TRUMP: Of course not. GOP wimps gave up. New health care bill, total failure. But not my failure because not my bill. Unless it gets passed. Then Trumpcare huge success. Applicable glory!

DeVOS: Is the wall getting built?

TRUMP: Wall already getting built. Planning it as we speak. In my brain. Wall plans, so good. Not real wall, but Trump brain wall so effective. Keeping out mental Mexicans. Effective!

PENCE: You have a wall in your brain.

TRUMP: Boom.

PENCE: This explains a lot.

DeVOS: Mr. President, what is it then that’s making you so happy?

TRUMP: Two things. One: being Trump. Best reason to be happy. Trump existence best existence. So good. Just tremendous. Classy. HUGE. Just the best. Believe me.

PENCE: And the other?

TRUMP: Twitter is considering 280 character tweets.

PENCE:

DeVOS:

TRUMP: So good.

PENCE: Why is-

DeVOS: I don’t-

TRUMP: Trump tweets twice as long. People can enjoy more Trump. Didn’t think it was possible for the people to enjoy more Trump but miracles happen. People benefit!

PENCE:

DeVOS:

TRUMP: Imagine. Twice as much Trump. Any time. All the time.

PENCE: Betsy?

DeVOS: Yes Michael?

PENCE: Call me an ambulance.

TRUMP: First new big Tweet. Provoke North Korea and Russia at the same time. So many possibilities. Trump unleashed!

PENCE: Call me two ambulances.

9/25/2017 – United

PENCE: I’m sorry you had to go through that, Mr. President.  

TRUMP: Glad you understand. Awful. Just the worst. I mean look at you. That hair. Terrible. Like staring at a lightbulb made of stupid. Good to know you understand how bad the experience is. Sad!

PENCE: I, um, meant all the NFL protests yesterday.

TRUMP: What protests?

PENCE: You mean you didn’t-

TRUMP: What are we talking about here? I’m going to look to the side because your scalp is burning my retinas. Reflective follicles!

PENCE: Oh, well, after you called the NFL players that didn’t stand for the national anthem a…and these are your words sir…a ‘son of a bitch’, they stood united during the national anthem in protest against you. Locking arms, kneeling, not coming out for the anthem…basically just a unanimous show of protest against your words.

TRUMP: Tremendous. So good.

PENCE: Sir? I didn’t expect that you’d-

TRUMP: Think about it, SPF 200. What am I better at than anything else?

PENCE: Well, you’re a successful businessman, an outstanding father and grandfather, you’re an outstanding President who cares about-

TRUMP: You. Such a brown nose. Like you’re snorting fudge. Already know Trump is best at everything. Trump skills best skills believe me. So good. But Trump has one skill better than even his best skills, which are all the best.

PENCE: And what skill would that be, sir?

TRUMP: Uniting people against me. Old and young. Men and women. White people and not white people. Conservatives and idiots. Military and civilians. Those who think Trump is amazing and those who think Trump is amazing but don’t want to admit it. All of them against me for one major reason.

PENCE: Because they think you’re wrong about key issues and your flagrant disreagard of-

TRUMP: They’re jealous. All of them.

PENCE:

TRUMP: Want to be Trump but can’t be Trump. So frustrating. But wouldn’t know because Trump is Trump. And it’s so good. So good. Tremendous. Just the best, believe me. But all you can do is believe me since you can’t be me. Existential paradox!

PENCE: So it’s good that everyone is against you.

TRUMP: You. Look at you. Learning something. All I have to do is upset a group and both sides will come together. Are the NFL executives and players united for once instead of constantly fighting?

PENCE: Wow. I have to admit, that’s actually true. You actually got the players and owners on the same page.

TRUMP: Trump jealousy is an amazing force.

PENCE: Is it possible though sir, that this is a unique situation.

TRUMP: Ok. Watch this. Me. Phone. Twitter.

PENCE: Oh no.

TRUMP: …and done.

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: I’m scared to ask, but…what did-

TRUMP: Just insulted Koreans. Called them the worst people. Not North or South. Just Korea.

PENCE: Mad Dog Mattis? What are-

MATTIS: SHUT UP GIRLYBOY DON’T MAKE ME RIP OUT YOUR THROAT GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!! MR. PRESIDENT BIG NEWS!

TRUMP: North and South Korea are in peace talks and uniting against me?

MATTIS: THAT’S AMAZING SIR HOW DID YOU KNOW?

TRUMP: Just a hunch.

MATTIS: CONGRATULATIONS MR. PRESIDENT!

TRUMP: It won’t last.

PENCE: Why not?

MATTIS: SHUT UP PENCE MEN ARE TALKING! WHY NOT SIR?

TRUMP: Rocket Man. He’ll screw things up. Rest of world. So jealous of Rocket Man. Will end up hating him. Can totally relate. Rocket Man. Like Trump but less attractive, less money, and less attractive daughters. Only Trump can be Trump. Trump existence, best existence, believe me. Only one!

PENCE: Thank the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for that. 

TRUMP: Up next. Kardashian tweet. Need to get them on the same page. 

PENCE: Some things may be even beyond your power, sir. 

 

 

9/22/2017 – Dotard

PENCE: Mr. President, I have bad news and good news. 

TRUMP: You. Already a failure. Supposed to say good news and bad news. Can’t even grammar good. Ungood talking!

PENCE: I’m just going to ignore the irony of that sir and plug ahead. The bad news is that Kim Jong Un-

TRUMP: Who? 

PENCE: Kim Jong Un. 

TRUMP:

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: *Sigh*…Rocket Man. 

TRUMP: Continue. 

PENCE: Well Kim-I mean-Rocket Man continues to seek international support against your aggressive sanctions. And, well, he’s basically threatening a nuclear strike on the US. 

TRUMP: What did he say? 

PENCE: He…uh…and keep in mind these are his words sir…he said he will “tame the mentally deranged US dotard with fire.”

TRUMP: 

PENCE:

TRUMP:

PENCE: Dotard means mentally disabled and slow due to age sir. 

TRUMP: Already knew that. Such an idiot. Rocket Man doesn’t even realize you’re not in charge. Awful intel! 

PENCE: Well…regardless sir, he’s still seeking help from China and other nations that-

TRUMP: Who’s going to align with a madman who threatens a nuclear holocaust? That reminds me, did you see my speech at the UN?

PENCE: The one where you threatened to totally destroy North Korea? 

TRUMP: Boom. But a real boom if Rocket Man wants to walk the talk. 

PENCE: Mr. President, forgive my ignorance-

TRUMP: Try to. Every day. Really dififcult. Believe me.

PENCE: -but…how is your speech and, uh, Rocket Man’s speech any different? 

TRUMP: Easy. Trump destruction. Like regular destruction but so much classier. So good. Just the best. Trump apocalypse best apocalypse. Believe me. 

PENCE: Sir…I’m concerned. 

TRUMP: You should be. Just look at your hair. Awful. Like a snowflake came to life and decided to have a midlife crisis. Like Vanilla flavored vanilla. Honkey squared!

PENCE: I meant your speech. I’m concerned what other nations may think.

TRUMP: Relax cream puff head. Sanctions. So good. Banning everything in North Korea. Rocket Man can threaten fire all he wants. Even fire banned by sanction. Man’s lucky that threats aren’t sanctioned. That’s all he has, and our threats are better anyway. Favorable balance of trade!

PENCE: I…I guess.

TRUMP: So what’s the good news?

PENCE: Well the new GOP healthcare bill isn’t going to pass.

TRUMP: Ugghhh. That’s not good news Pence.

PENCE: But Rocket Man said he’s happy to support it.

TRUMP: Good man that Rocket Man. So good. Kim Jong Good. Trusted ally!

PENCE: Well he added that if he helps get that bill passed it would probably cause more damage than a nuke anyway. 

TRUMP: Hey, whatever it takes. 

9/20/2017 – Rumplepenis

PENCE: Sir, Chief of Staff John Kelly is here. 

TRUMP: Who? 

PENCE: He’s the successor to Reince Priebus. 

TRUMP: Rank Fetus? 

PENCE: Reince Priebus. 

TRUMP: Rumplepenis? 

PENCE: Reince Priebus.

TRUMP: Rinsed Prius? 

PENCE: …*sigh*. Yes. The new guy who replaced the old guy is here and wants to talk to you. 

TRUMP: Sure. Bring him in. 

KELLY: Mr. President, I-

TRUMP: Hold it. You. Tell me the name of the guy who replaced you. 

KELLY: Reince-

TRUMP: Peerless. 

KELLY: …riiight. Mr. President, permission to segue. 

TRUMP: 

KELLY:

TRUMP: 

KELLY: It means move on to a new topic. 

TRUMP: Knew that. Go ahead and move on. 

KELLY: With all due respect sir, what the hell were you thinking? 

TRUMP: Well, I figured if Jake the Snake Roberts had to fight Ricky the Dragon Steamboat for the Intercontinental-

KELLY: I meant at the UN yesterday. 

TRUMP: What about it? 

KELLY: You threatened. Complete. Destruction. Of North Korea.

TRUMP: Uggghhhh. You. Don’t be one of those people. Saying a sentence but adding a bunch of periods to pretend your emphasizing something but all you’re really doing is emphasizing what a total choad you are. Economical grammar!

KELLY: Sir, how the hell can you stand in front of, well, THE WORLD and threaten to obliterate a country that is developing nuclear weapons? 

TRUMP: Benny Yahoo loved it. 

KELLY: Sir, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu is paid by us to love you!

TRUMP: Don’t care who signs the checks. A good tweet is a good tweet. Not as good as Trump tweet. Trump tweet best tweet. So good. Tremendous. Believe me. 

KELLY: I don’t know how I’m going to smooth things over.

TRUMP: Ranch Peels would know what to do.

KELLY: Sir, Mr. Priebus is not here anymore!

TRUMP: Uggghhh FINE. Next time I do totally the right thing and you disagree, just stand up after me and say “That’s our Trump!” do the loony finger circle hand gesture and walk off. 

KELLY: I…I can do that?

TRUMP: Sure if you don’t mind ending up in bunker 337 in Prague. 

KELLY: 

TRUMP:

KELLY:

TRUMP: The one with the goats.

KELLY: …noted sir. Unquestioning servitude it is.

PENCE: Mr. President, Elton John is on line 5, something about calling Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man”. He’s not happy.

TRUMP:  HE’S not happy? What about all the libs calling me an American Idiot? Did they get clearance from Green Day? Pop punk hypocrisy!

PENCE: Somehow I think Green Day would be ok with that. 

TRUMP: Elton. You. Listen. Only need Rocket Man for a few more weeks. Why? Well, let’s just say Benny and the Jets are going to be touring a certain country pretty soon. No? What about Candle in the Wind? Get it? It’s like a giant candle, flying through the air, and…ok. Look Elton don’t go breaking my heart here. 

PENCE: I guess that’s why they call it the blues. 

KELLY: Dear Lord, please don’t let the sun go down on me.

9/18/2017 – Faygo

TRUMP: Can’t believe it. Such a betrayal. Had their back since the beginning and now this. Awful!

DeVOS: Wow. The President is on the warpath right now.

PENCE: Dear Lord and Savior no. Don’t joke about him being on the warpath. That ends with all of us glowing in the dark.

TRUMP: How could they? Thought they were classy! But no so not classy! Full 360!

DeVOS: Someone he really trusted really got him all up in a wahoo, though. Is it the Republicans?

PENCE: No, not them. They never sided with him voluntarily. 

TRUMP: After all I’ve done for them! Spineless!

DeVOS: His rich friends? 

PENCE: Come on. 

DeVOS: Oh yeah. Friends. Right. 

TRUMP: What else do they want from me? Given them all I have! Except money because Trump money best money. Only for Trump. Common sense!

DeVOS: Not his MAGA constituents? 

PENCE: Please. He could shoot a baby chimpanzee and they’d build a statue of him and prevent those antifa kids from tearing it down. 

TRUMP: Never thought I’d have to cut them out, but see no other choice. Life long partnership ended! Excommunicado! 

DeVOS: Well then who? 

PENCE: The Juggalos. They gathered in DC to protest being a called a gang. They completely outnumbered a pro-Trump rally at the same time. So they stole the spotlight from making Trump look good.

TRUMP: Was totally down with the clown, but can’t even look at Faygo anymore. Can’t respect! Et tu posse? You. Honkey head. Get me Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J on the phone! Pronto!

DeVOS: Sir, it could be worse, it could have been a pro-Trump Nazi rally marching this weekend!

TRUMP: Look. Nazis. Juggalos. Plenty of blame to go around on both sides. Here’s a Nazi side. Here’s a Juggalo side. One an insane posse of clowns. The other is Juggalos. Need to distinguish! 

PENCE: Sir, just to clarify, you hate Nazis, right? 

TRUMP: Sure. Nazis. Bad guys, the worst. But at least they didn’t make that Miracles video. Musical holocaust!

PENCE: That’s not the only atrocity happening. 

9/14/2017 – What Happened

PENCE: Mr. President, Ms. Clinton’s new book is out now. 

DeVOS: It’s called “What Happened”

TRUMP: Uggghhh. Worst name for a book. Tell you what happened. Trump happened. Boom. Done. Simple results!

PENCE: It’s pretty much what you’d expect, sir. She basically blames everyone but herself and her shortcomings for the loss. 

TRUMP: Clinton shortcomings. So redundant. Should be called longcomings. Too many!

DeVOS: Pressing on and ignoring how semi-perverted that sounded, are there any interesting quotes from the book, Mike?

PENCE: Sure. She actually does have some interesting nuggets other than her blamefest. Here’s one: “I aim very high, and then I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing to get what I’m after. Sometimes I settle for less than I sought, but in most cases I still end up with what I want.”

TRUMP: Uggghhh. So awful. Pushy and stubborn. So bad. Need to negotiate. Trump negotiations best negotiations. Give and take! For me though take and take. So good. Believe me.

PENCE: Here’s another one: ” If you plan for the worst— if you can live with the worst— the good will always take care of itself.”

TRUMP: Just the worst advice you can give. So pessimistic. Need to shoot for the top. Failure won’t happen if you don’t believe in it. Laser focused on success!

PENCE: I actually like her approach to team building. Here listen to this: “I have a very simple rule when it comes to management: hire the best people from your competitors, pay them more than they were earning, and give them bonuses and incentives based on their performance. That’s how you build a first-class operation.”

TRUMP: Horrible approach. Don’t need people outperforming leader. Sends the wrong message. Subordinates need to do their job and know their place. Look around here. Exhibit A. Mediocrity! And why hire from competitors? How do you trust the loyalty of someone who’s willing to leave their team for a few extra dollars? So wrong. Just the worst. 

PENCE: So based on what you’ve heard do you have any quotes about the book for the public, sir?

TRUMP: Press quote. New book. Awful advice, horrible information. Terrible prose. So bad. Throw out as fast as you can. Waste of paper!

PENCE: Betsy and I will get back to work now.

TRUMP: Good. Need to clear my mind of those quotes. So bad!

DeVOS: I agree. That was some awful advice. But I don’t recall those quotes in her book. 

PENCE: That’s because they were from his book The Art of the Deal. 

DeVOS: Wow. That was mean, Mike. 

PENCE: You’re talking about the guy who asked me since my hair is the Arctic are my pubic hairs white like Antarctica. Somehow I’ll sleep tonight.