PENCE: Mr. President, the President of Nigeria Muhammadu Buhari is here.
TRUMP: You’re kidding.
PENCE: I’m not sir. He’s just outside the-
TRUMP: Not that. Nigeria. They actually named a country after-
PENCE: YES sir. The country is named after the Niger river.
TRUMP: You. Totally avoiding awkward conversation. So sad.
PENCE: Shall I send in President Buhari? Just a quick reminder, he speaks English fluently so there’s no need to-
TRUMP: Ugghh. You. So ignorant. Already speak Nigerish. All dialects!
PENCE: Whelp, this isn’t going to end well no matter what I do, so I’ll just dive behind the sofa when the diplomatic grenade explodes.
TRUMP: I stopped the Korean War.
TRUMP: Trump diplomacy best diplomacy.
PENCE: Here he is, sir.
BUHARI: Good afternoon Mr. President! Allow me to say it is a tremendous honor to meet-
TRUMP: NI! HAO! PRESIDENT! MOGADISHU! BUKKAKE!
PENCE: Well that has to be a new record.
BUHARI: Ah. I see. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe told me of your renowned silver tongue. I expect this will be quite the experience.
TRUMP: NIGERIA! SUCH! A! GREAT! COUNTRY! NOT! LIKE! THOSE! SHITHOLE! COUNTRIES! IN! AFRICA!
BUHARI: Yes, we are proud of our economic growth and dedication to education. But perhaps-
TRUMP: OK! SMALL! TALK! DONE! NOW! COMES! HARDBALL! DEALING! WE! GIVE! YOU! GUNS! AND! AMERICAN! CULTURE! YOU! GIVE! US! VIBRANIUM!
BUHARI: I’m afraid I don’t understand your request for-
TRUMP: NEED! VIBRANIUM! TO! MAKE! SUPER! SUIT! TRUMP! SUIT! SO! GOOD! THE! BEST! BELIEVE! ME! BUT! TRUMP! VIBRANIUM! SUIT! ULTIMATE! WEAPON! SO! CLASSY!
PENCE: Mr. President, I…think President Buhari may need some clarification on-
BUHARI: Ah. I believe I understand. I apologize for the misunderstanding, President Trump, but unfortunately, I am the president of Nigeria, not Wakanda.
BUHARI: Wakanda, you see, is a fictional place. It does not actually exist. Nigeria is an actual country where I lead the All Progressives Congress party. Our primary export is crude oil, not vibranium which, like Wakanda, also does not exist.
BUHARI: Our country lies on the Coast of Guinea.
TRUMP: DON’T! CARE! HOW! CLOSE! YOU! ARE! TO! ITALY!
BUHARI: I also regret to tell you that I don’t possess a magical panther suit.
TRUMP: OK! ONE! MOMENT! PRESIDENT! MAHJONG! You. Pence. Quick question. Why am I speaking to President Jumanji here-
BUHARI: -I can understand every word you are saying-
TRUMP: -when this guy can’t even get me some vibranium? I don’t even think he’s really from Wakanda. Look, no plates in the lips. He’s not even doing that clicking thing when he talks. Total fraud!
BUHARI: On that note, I believe I will take my leave. I would like to say it has been a pleasure to meet you, but I am sworn to my personal honesty.
TRUMP: WAIT! BEFORE! YOU! GO! LET! US! HELP! YOU! FIGHT! THANOS! CAN! MOCK! TWEET! HIM! INTO! GIVING! YOU! INFINITY! STONES! TRUMP! DIPLOMACY! BEST! DIPLOMACY!
PENCE: Thank you for your time, President Buhari. I will send you our standard Diplomatic Apology Package.
TRUMP: Send them the cheap stuff. Trinkets, old T-shirts, cigarettes. Like gold to shithole country. Art of the deal!
PENCE: Again, I apologize, Mr. President.
BUHARI: Don’t be troubled, Michael. In fact, I believe I will be able to send your President some vibranium.
PENCE: It’s not going to be an elephant turd in a box is it?